Wednesday, August 18, 2010

In Absence of a pen, Blog.

The battle with the dark, insomnia and Rowling thoughts...

(This was a blog post i composed early last week, never finished it though...)

Sometimes i hate this time, others i embrace it. The moments before sleep you cant achieve, where you mind ebbs and flows with worries, analysis and memories. From this past week i have many new memories, good, bad, and ugly.

And it is a struggle to come to terms with it all. Despite good intentions, the week never really turned out like i imagined. In some instance's it was great that it didn't follow a set plan, in others plans fell apart or didn't emerge as hoped. It was hodge-podge of uncertain results that have left me dumbfounded as to which actions to pursue in several situations.

And for the most part the only voice i have to express is my internal one. And the only person listening, at the moment, is me. This is very hard to return to, when socialising and dulling my mind have been more equal than weeks past. Yes, most of my points in this post will greatly refer to my screen name, and the philosophy and connotations i use to express how i see myself...

I suppose the best way to tell of my week is to speak in a structure. Not quite the good, the bad and the ugly, more the social, the disappointing and the negative self reflection. Catchy title's no?


So in keeping with my last blog post i set out upon my new found semI-optimism by making plans with friends for the week.

I planed for the cinema with DS and anyone who could join, on Thursday. To see toy story 3D.

For Friday i would catch up With Dona over lunch or "coffee" and following that Budsey for drinks of some kind.

Unfortunately Gammaman was unavailable, and my wallet limited, so a Wednesday meet up had to be ruled out.

My usually ever present Ex, PG, was on nights, and not really talking to me about much anyway, so i ruled her out automatically. All over built up spite over the past couple of years really, harking back to the same issue's as to why i broke up with her via an extended textual conversation one depressed rainy spring weekend.

I also expressed further dismay that Ming would not be returning to Dublin anytime soon, and was off to London. I'd like to go to London, or anywhere! My parents are off to Venice next week. Oh how jealous i am on many levels, more on this later.

The cinema was a good time. Nordie 1 saw my facebook status update invite to my entire social circle to see who wanted to see toy story, and joined the outing. This was good considering i hadn't seen him in about 3 and a half years or so, and especially not as much as every day in secondary school. Such nostalgia is likely to pop up more as i make my student film over the next few weeks as i hope to get as many friends as possible to help out in the creation of it.

I loved Toy Story 3, it was a heartbreaking reminder of childhood and just damn brilliant.

I couldn't stick around with DS and Nordie 1 though as i had to head home. Just barely meeting my mothers train on time on arrival in Drogheda by a bus that left 30 minutes early.

Late on Thursday night though my plans with Dona were canceled. Whether i willl talk about this is a matter of conjecture in my head....

Plans still held though with Budsey, so that would be good...

Setting off in the overcast skies of Friday morning i was frightfully nervous and uncertain. The weight of Dona's cancellation, and fearing job hunting were barring down on me, not to mention uncertainty over how things would be, on several levels, around Budsey.

Somehow i found the time and effort to walk up and down Dublin looking in windows for job positions. Barely a catch. Try as i might i could not find the courage to enquire anywhere. A failing i must admit, but at the same time, positions i did find, were looking for people with experience, and qualifications. None of these i can really offer, and i was pre-emptively defeated.

One strange posting however caught my eye.

Hair model's wanted.

I passed this location, in a quite Alley twice. I have grown to love this ally as a sort of a Harry Potter link that i used to not know about. I love to duck through it to get from random to random, and also to admire the pub fronts and quirks it has to offer. For the life of me i had never noticed a barbers.

Upon relieving myself in public facilities in TCD, i returned and entered.

I asked the Women there, apparently the only staff, what the post meant?

Apparently one of them is a student Barber/Hair Dresser/hair stylest/Male grooming facilitator, and they were looking for training subjects, who would get their hair cut for free.

Well i had hair, it was unruly and needed cutting, i said yes.

So i sat in the chair, and several awkward moments ensued.

The trainee was actually kind of hot, this would not be easy. Having you hair washed, when getting a cut, was alien enough, but having to lean forward???

Then the general chit chat, few and far between, but different to the silence i get in my usual place. At first my usual barbers would ask questions and so on, back when i was a teenager, but since then they seem to have recognised that i am not interested, and that i am slightly different to them. The accent, the vocab, and quite possibly the socio-economic background and interests. Football, in a barbers, wheres the music, this may be 9 quid a cut but your establishment is "beneath me". (that being what i think, they think i'm thinking, when i'm there)

The Irish have a Unique capacity for cynicism in the face of this economic crisis. We all think the world is impossible and unforgiving, or at least that is how we casually accept how we must talk to others. Pretend were all equal, or all suffering, and hide any positives, or i am worse off anecdotes. This Trainee had a lot of this.

My, i was a male nurse, now just a bar back on the weekends was nothing compared to her. She was utterly without a 3rd level prospect, deriding the whole Career Counseling profession as expecting all girls to be Nurse's. She herself could not be a nurse, not the usual thing of gore etc, but the self revealing story that her Mother recently died. Hospice's was mentioned, but i dare not pry, i had no idea how to take this offering of conversation. Yes nursing is very noble, and not for all, but to continue down that cul de sac of connecting memory dots for her could not be a good thing. I could not really mention all i saw in James's, her mother had been there. The Cancer ward i admired was off limits, the STD's and the HIV or Burns also. Suddenly my disgust at the care of the elderly Overcrowding i had already derided was now insensitive, and i couldn't say anymore at all about nursing, or college.

She was also finding it hard to learn in her job of a year. To find hair models, or prove her skill.

Okay i was top-trumped by economic woe, a first. This had fizzled all conversation.

I was left to staring in the mirror at my hair receding, or at the ornate nature of the Dunnes Stores window down the street. Certainly not at her. That was difficult, used to ignoring men who ignore me and do a task. Instead i had a unsure nubile young woman at close quarters slowly changing my appearance. While i sat as a training instrument, trying not to let my mind undo a century of feminism and social change.

With my new head of hair i did more window job hunting, but to no real discovery of anything i gave up.

A very good busking group performed Dakota by Stereophonics with a box, an acoustic guitar and a violin, and a 3 part harmony. I had heard this rendition before while walking on Grafton street, and assumed the Guitarist must play there regularly, but the first time without the other 2.

With some red bull cola, and a guardian in hand, i sat at the base of an O'Connell street statue and waited for Budsey to arrive on the Luas.

I must have been engrossed in the G2's article on BASE jumping to notice her arrival so i got up, with a slightly stiff lower body and met her at the steps of easons.

We walked and talked and decided on Some Milkshakes from college green. Then consumed and chatted in Temple bar Square to the background noise of tourists, locals, Restaurant pushers and an Eastern European Folk group that also played some Rolling Stones acoustically.

We then went looking for a pub and eventually settled on the Czech Inn in Old town. What followed was, of course, Drink, open and frank discussions on sexuality, personal histories and religious belief. To say i did most of the talking was an understatement, but with most questions originating from Budsey i was all to happy to share and answer as much as i could. A good time had.

And after waiting for a heavy shower to pass we walked along wood quay to the four courts and parted ways on opposite Trams.

The Disappointing.

I wanted to blog a lot more this week, but i didn't.

I was perturbed and put off by the fact that my efforts to review an album and include youtube video's were scuppered by a crashed tab of blogger. And when i returned half of the post was missing due to several glitches and alterations, that were subsequently a lesser post than what i had been pre-typing on my Notebook.

And i also further dulled my mind with excessive internet use. Tumblr being a large component of this. It is fucking addictive stuff. And if you dear reader have not noticed, i have added a tumblr display to the bottom of my page, and have also started to FLOOD my twitter with, what i can only assume is annoying, auto-updates. I apologise for this if some do not appreciate the Tumblr medium, or generally don't like non-narcissistic twitter posts.

I also did not receive any round Zero offers on my CAO application. This is supposedly a round for people who have done the leaving in the past, and mature applicants, and for certain course's but nothing. Why i don't know but oh well. I have no clear concrete plans yet anyway...

Work was alright this week. I'm well into the swing of things, but it felt like a lackluster affair for some reason.

Maybe because i was so tired afterwards, and that i had spent so much money during the week after doing 2 nights in a row.

I also noticed a very cute redhead at the bar several times. And she appeared to be alone, a very rare sight. I actually had asked a colleague where she had gone. Disappointingly she had left for a rival club that is usually mentioned as preferred by the locals. A pity on many levels.

The Negative

Hmm where to begin on all that negative...

(Thus ends a this post. Can't think of a way to mend it, or end it, so i'll leave as is.)

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

A month of Good Intentions...

In which i make life long choices, and have fun doing it.

So we're in august 2010. We're so far in the future that we have surpassed Lisa Simpsons wedding.


Honestly at no fixed point in time did i have any idea what i would be doing with my life in the future.

One fantasy that remained was that i wanted to be a film director or writer. Recently it has molded into the idea that i want to be a "cineauteur". Which means i want to be involved in the make process of all aspects of film or tv production. I want to be adept at all parts of my interest and weigh in as much as possible on everything that i love.

No obviously, this isn't something you can train for. More practically for the immediate future i have to get a 2nd job, i have to save money, and i have to go to college and learn.

I have to take charge of my life entirely by myself. And despite the muddle of the past year, and my lower mood during my recent blogging gap, i feel i have to express myself, i have to control my fate, and i have to live my life as it comes.

I just worked 2 days in a row. That's 100 euro. Straight away i had to give 20 to my dad for petrol costs and for 10 euro credit i desperately needed for my phone. I need more hours in my current job, and i also need a second job.

By August 5th i expect some CAO offers to come through. I have no idea what i am likely to get, but for the most part i'm convinced i will have to differ or decline them. I can't afford college again yet. My parents are not able to support me any further, and they are currently going through some aesthetic and cosmetic changes to the house and its gardens.

I have not talked to them about any of this. I haven't had a strong clue of what i'm going to do, or at least what i want to tell the parental units. For the most part i avoid conversations with them, i don't want to fight.

The most recent issue is that i just passed my road theory test. At my own expense, one weeks wages, and now i have entered into a sort of deal with my parents to get driving lessons. My Mother will fork out for my provisional license and i will pay for alternate lessons. However adding me to the insurance on any of the cars is next to impossible. It would cost 700E or so until the next policy change over date, or some such, and the in excess of 1,500 a year. Frankly that sounds like an insult, and money better spent on education or even supporting me if i decided to move out of the house and possibly avail of benefits, or live off 2 or 3 low pay jobs.

As well as the up coming CAO offers over the next month is an interview with Bellyfermot and their film course.

For this i need to prepare a portfolio of some kind. Including video work, 20 photos, Storyboards, screenplay drafts etc. I hope to work on this over the next month.

This is where my student film comes in. A documentary style thing of asking friends who volunteer their time, what they would think if they were to go to war, in space. And also other issue's specific to them and Irish youth.

This gives me an excuse to repair and plaster up a lot of my friendships that have been damaged over the past year, and also to rekindle old ties to school friends and so on.

On top of my portfolio commitments is the over barring stroke of good luck that is the chance to return to nursing. Thanks to the mother of all technical fuck ups i have a chance to do 2nd year, a third time. Now frankly i have reached the overwhelming consensus in my emotions that this would be the worst thing possible. That i do NOT want to be miserable in that course for another 3 years. That despite it being a steady career and allowing me to go anywhere i just could not commit to it. I would be so aware that i could repeat past mistakes that i would be miserable. I do not want it.

That and frankly as a peer group, beyond the friends i already have, i don't want to have to socialise with more nurses. They would all be THREE years younger, or more. This is a large stretch, and frankly its scary and alienating. Its hard enough to approach girls as a shy male as it is, but to have to return to the same situation that i have crashed and burned in again and again is just humiliating. I see nothing positive about choosing it.

My Friends and school mates are now all graduating/graduated recently. I however am nowhere further in the world than i could have been 4 years ago. I have bigger ideas, bigger aspirations and bigger dream than where i have ended up.

For the most part emotionally and socially i am still a lost and confused teenager, at 22. I feel i have not reached artificial milestones inside my head, and frequently this bothers me. I am shy and closed in and find it hard to be assertive or to let loose or open up to new people. I also find it hard to be heard, or to have anything interesting to say that i know will be heard. I'm a bundle of uncertainty.

However what i know i can be certain about is my love of Cinema. And my vast imagination that i have had to suppress and let only slip out slowly from time to time to distract myself from reality.

In the past few weeks i've taken to wasting even MORE time on the Internet, like the cyber-addict i am. Amongst that time wasting has been Switching wholesale to Tumblr as a blogging medium and means of dulling my brain, so i don't have to think about the outside world. Its damn near addictive, its twitter on crack for internet hipsters and fanboys/girls. Its not a bad place, but the time spent on it is. I really should unfollow some people, and post more meaningful stuff, but be restrained about it. I have also noticed that my twitter use has pretty much died off as a result. Yes there is auto shares and so on, but me actually expressing words and not video and photo, all but gone.

Shocking really. And it must all be rectified.

I am amongst the Job Aspirations, the saving of money, the life decisions, the social life, the portfolio etc, also hoping to make a stronger stab and maintaining my blogging, and web-presence.

Thus i am writing this, of course, and getting my self-narritive touch back. Also expect film and music reviews to come thick and fast and more often as i embrace my interests instead of self moaning, as has been a common theme of this here blog.

I may also take a stab at annotating, editing and improving the links and narrative of older posts. I've hinted at this several times, but usually i have not. I've made stabs at guides and link lists and so on, but usually its all been half arsed. Hopefully i will be a better blogger. Spring cleaning is needed.

Another issue which i especially felt today, is that i am lonely. I know i need my better stab at a social life and so on but i really do feel that i am starting to really feel the need to be with someone, to have a significant other. I know i am going to be VERY busy over the coming months, but i really am lonely. I have urges not only of the sexual kind but also to share my time with someone. Ye know to really love someone, and to be loved. I'm not even sure if i have ever been in love. The whole PG thing was hormones reaching an impasse where to two of us had to hook up and explore ourselves in order to survive as young adults, as for love, i don't know if it was there.

Then my fling in January? I was so ALONE that the only strong friend i had made in Australia was a release. A threesome and then being part of cheating, wasn't exactly the most normal way of going about anything like that, but i needed someone to be with, and for the week i was leaving, it was exactly what i needed. The following "trouble" was sort of insulting, it was no slight on anyone else, i NEED to be me. I need to live my life and make my own mistakes. I needed to feel something other than pure sadness and loneliness. I was on the edge of screaming. Stuck with an unfamiliar sister in an alien country 11,000 miles from what tenuous friendships i had was hell. And with my parents dragging me home because i was living exactly the same as at home, with no one, not even myself, believing that i could find work. It was Utterly shit. And frankly i don't regret my personal actions, i needed a friend, and i needed a good "root".

But despite how busy i know i have to make myself this month, i am raring to go. I want to embrace it all. I want to document it, i want to share what it is like to be me via this blog as i have in the past, and i want to develop and become the person i want to be.

I have the side urge of wanting a physical person to share this with, beyond friendships, but realistically i don't know if i can also attain this. I probably am still not "ready" for it, but then again, can you be ready for "love" or even the lust i so desperately want to quench. Despite not being fully interested in more promiscuous or impersonal aspects of some of modern youths sexual practice's and courting methods, i to want to get my rocks off. I don't see the full appeal of one night stands or constant flings. For the most part i want Relationships. At the same time my body wants to have its way with many attractive women, but my emotions want someone to talk to and share things with all at the same time. I don't want to separate them. I want a partner in life/crime/love etc, purely sex isn't as appealing to me.

I'd rather the affirmation of a relationship, than the gratification of a one night stand.

Its the one thing of over the next month i am still uncertain about.

Bring it on regardless.