A month of Good Intentions...

In which i make life long choices, and have fun doing it.


So we're in august 2010. We're so far in the future that we have surpassed Lisa Simpsons wedding.


Evidence:







Honestly at no fixed point in time did i have any idea what i would be doing with my life in the future.

One fantasy that remained was that i wanted to be a film director or writer. Recently it has molded into the idea that i want to be a "cineauteur". Which means i want to be involved in the make process of all aspects of film or tv production. I want to be adept at all parts of my interest and weigh in as much as possible on everything that i love.

No obviously, this isn't something you can train for. More practically for the immediate future i have to get a 2nd job, i have to save money, and i have to go to college and learn.

I have to take charge of my life entirely by myself. And despite the muddle of the past year, and my lower mood during my recent blogging gap, i feel i have to express myself, i have to control my fate, and i have to live my life as it comes.

I just worked 2 days in a row. That's 100 euro. Straight away i had to give 20 to my dad for petrol costs and for 10 euro credit i desperately needed for my phone. I need more hours in my current job, and i also need a second job.

By August 5th i expect some CAO offers to come through. I have no idea what i am likely to get, but for the most part i'm convinced i will have to differ or decline them. I can't afford college again yet. My parents are not able to support me any further, and they are currently going through some aesthetic and cosmetic changes to the house and its gardens.

I have not talked to them about any of this. I haven't had a strong clue of what i'm going to do, or at least what i want to tell the parental units. For the most part i avoid conversations with them, i don't want to fight.

The most recent issue is that i just passed my road theory test. At my own expense, one weeks wages, and now i have entered into a sort of deal with my parents to get driving lessons. My Mother will fork out for my provisional license and i will pay for alternate lessons. However adding me to the insurance on any of the cars is next to impossible. It would cost 700E or so until the next policy change over date, or some such, and the in excess of 1,500 a year. Frankly that sounds like an insult, and money better spent on education or even supporting me if i decided to move out of the house and possibly avail of benefits, or live off 2 or 3 low pay jobs.

As well as the up coming CAO offers over the next month is an interview with Bellyfermot and their film course.

For this i need to prepare a portfolio of some kind. Including video work, 20 photos, Storyboards, screenplay drafts etc. I hope to work on this over the next month.

This is where my student film comes in. A documentary style thing of asking friends who volunteer their time, what they would think if they were to go to war, in space. And also other issue's specific to them and Irish youth.

This gives me an excuse to repair and plaster up a lot of my friendships that have been damaged over the past year, and also to rekindle old ties to school friends and so on.

On top of my portfolio commitments is the over barring stroke of good luck that is the chance to return to nursing. Thanks to the mother of all technical fuck ups i have a chance to do 2nd year, a third time. Now frankly i have reached the overwhelming consensus in my emotions that this would be the worst thing possible. That i do NOT want to be miserable in that course for another 3 years. That despite it being a steady career and allowing me to go anywhere i just could not commit to it. I would be so aware that i could repeat past mistakes that i would be miserable. I do not want it.

That and frankly as a peer group, beyond the friends i already have, i don't want to have to socialise with more nurses. They would all be THREE years younger, or more. This is a large stretch, and frankly its scary and alienating. Its hard enough to approach girls as a shy male as it is, but to have to return to the same situation that i have crashed and burned in again and again is just humiliating. I see nothing positive about choosing it.

My Friends and school mates are now all graduating/graduated recently. I however am nowhere further in the world than i could have been 4 years ago. I have bigger ideas, bigger aspirations and bigger dream than where i have ended up.

For the most part emotionally and socially i am still a lost and confused teenager, at 22. I feel i have not reached artificial milestones inside my head, and frequently this bothers me. I am shy and closed in and find it hard to be assertive or to let loose or open up to new people. I also find it hard to be heard, or to have anything interesting to say that i know will be heard. I'm a bundle of uncertainty.



However what i know i can be certain about is my love of Cinema. And my vast imagination that i have had to suppress and let only slip out slowly from time to time to distract myself from reality.

In the past few weeks i've taken to wasting even MORE time on the Internet, like the cyber-addict i am. Amongst that time wasting has been Switching wholesale to Tumblr as a blogging medium and means of dulling my brain, so i don't have to think about the outside world. Its damn near addictive, its twitter on crack for internet hipsters and fanboys/girls. Its not a bad place, but the time spent on it is. I really should unfollow some people, and post more meaningful stuff, but be restrained about it. I have also noticed that my twitter use has pretty much died off as a result. Yes there is auto shares and so on, but me actually expressing words and not video and photo, all but gone.

Shocking really. And it must all be rectified.


I am amongst the Job Aspirations, the saving of money, the life decisions, the social life, the portfolio etc, also hoping to make a stronger stab and maintaining my blogging, and web-presence.

Thus i am writing this, of course, and getting my self-narritive touch back. Also expect film and music reviews to come thick and fast and more often as i embrace my interests instead of self moaning, as has been a common theme of this here blog.

I may also take a stab at annotating, editing and improving the links and narrative of older posts. I've hinted at this several times, but usually i have not. I've made stabs at guides and link lists and so on, but usually its all been half arsed. Hopefully i will be a better blogger. Spring cleaning is needed.

Another issue which i especially felt today, is that i am lonely. I know i need my better stab at a social life and so on but i really do feel that i am starting to really feel the need to be with someone, to have a significant other. I know i am going to be VERY busy over the coming months, but i really am lonely. I have urges not only of the sexual kind but also to share my time with someone. Ye know to really love someone, and to be loved. I'm not even sure if i have ever been in love. The whole PG thing was hormones reaching an impasse where to two of us had to hook up and explore ourselves in order to survive as young adults, as for love, i don't know if it was there.

Then my fling in January? I was so ALONE that the only strong friend i had made in Australia was a release. A threesome and then being part of cheating, wasn't exactly the most normal way of going about anything like that, but i needed someone to be with, and for the week i was leaving, it was exactly what i needed. The following "trouble" was sort of insulting, it was no slight on anyone else, i NEED to be me. I need to live my life and make my own mistakes. I needed to feel something other than pure sadness and loneliness. I was on the edge of screaming. Stuck with an unfamiliar sister in an alien country 11,000 miles from what tenuous friendships i had was hell. And with my parents dragging me home because i was living exactly the same as at home, with no one, not even myself, believing that i could find work. It was Utterly shit. And frankly i don't regret my personal actions, i needed a friend, and i needed a good "root".

But despite how busy i know i have to make myself this month, i am raring to go. I want to embrace it all. I want to document it, i want to share what it is like to be me via this blog as i have in the past, and i want to develop and become the person i want to be.

I have the side urge of wanting a physical person to share this with, beyond friendships, but realistically i don't know if i can also attain this. I probably am still not "ready" for it, but then again, can you be ready for "love" or even the lust i so desperately want to quench. Despite not being fully interested in more promiscuous or impersonal aspects of some of modern youths sexual practice's and courting methods, i to want to get my rocks off. I don't see the full appeal of one night stands or constant flings. For the most part i want Relationships. At the same time my body wants to have its way with many attractive women, but my emotions want someone to talk to and share things with all at the same time. I don't want to separate them. I want a partner in life/crime/love etc, purely sex isn't as appealing to me.



I'd rather the affirmation of a relationship, than the gratification of a one night stand.



Its the one thing of over the next month i am still uncertain about.



Bring it on regardless.

Passin' through the Hood.

Yet another counselor day.


I want talk much about all that cause, its usually more of a downer and not much of a story.


Instead i will regale you many a tale of hoods and keepin' it real.


I started my day in the big smoke in an internet cafe. A 24 hour joint that serves coffee, slots and slow bandwith. The sky was grey but the morning had started dry and warm, the mere illusion of summer had tourists, commuters, and hot hipster chicks dressed down, despite the slow creep of cold.

After betraying my lo-fi hommies and PC-die hardz i opted to use Safari on the ailing mediocre XP machine i paid the big coin for. Compared to IE and old bulky copies of the fox, surprisingly i got some usability out of safari. It did the job i wanted at seeds that wouldn't lead to alopecia.

After surfing my turf and representing my web presence i opened up the games chest of this communal restroom of a computer. Low and behold a game the other computers rarely had, GTA San Andreas. What was even better was this sucka had sound! My crack whore of a copy could only give me the animalistic basics, no dialogue or radio. So i was stoked to finally play with the big stuff, the semi-real deal.

I busted caps, pulled wheelies, tagged my mark on the hood and lived it up in 1992 for a good 50 minutes. It was good hommies, it was good.

Then off in the almost rain. A spot here or there but unbroken cloud. I popped my head into phone shops and other haunts of interest. I tempted myself with gadgets and gizmo's, shopgirls and salted popcorn.

But it was time for the Luas.

So i went down the O'C and onto Lower Broadway. A vagrant hung at the edge of the ticket machines and i slipped him my change, only 70 cent, but one step closer to the coffee that will compliment the lack of food on top of Benzo's to offset the kick of Methadone or crack or even another lost peripheral vein to Heroin and shared needle's. Or maybe just a McCoffee or tin of turpentine...

I rode all the way out to Tallaght-fornia. I had wage's burning a hole in my pocket and i was overcome with thoughts of spending my dough on an INQ Chat, if i could haggle down to less than 99, but that was unlikely. I however spotted the PC world on the top floor and remembered that they had those small HD handheld camera's that bloggers and journo's love oh-so-much. The cheapest price's as i remembered were usually good.

To my dismay they were gone. The entire shelf was empty, even the security tags and magnets were gone. An empty white shelf. The most prominent camcorders started at 130 or so, ie fuck that shit.

Several employee's mopped about the store, all lost and helpless. I didn't get any of their attention, i usually avoid them. But i had questions, and was looking for something specific. I noticed the cute blond who seemed to be patrolling the camera area. At one point she had picked up a mini-SLR shaped one and gawked at it with childish wonderment.

I then spotted it. In a glass case beside where the old candybar HD narcisism machines had been. A 60 euro sleek black camcorder, minimal specs, but 60 euro. Beside it the last remaining HD youtube makers, all twice the price and somewhat more ridiculous looking than the normal members of their ilk. I was intrigued, 60 euro you say!

But no shop assistant had approached, and i was still loosely mulling over the calculations of how i could afford such a thing. I know i needed a camera, for my amateur film idea, and this one spoke to me. If it could speak it would say, "Buy me, Use me, Adore Me, make magic! But eh, don't use me for certain kinds of home movies..."

By-joe it was right, i must make magic.

But by this time i had descending to go and look at the INQ Chat, it's been calling me for months, it wants my thumbs so it does. But 99 euro was still to far, and i wasn't willing to haggle. No it had to be the camera!

I returned, teaser displays of Inception playing in unison beside me on the Lazy-o-later. Can't wait for that mind fuck...

I stood at the case, i pined, i weeped, i wasn't going to perish but damn it i wanted to purchase! (Joesph Gordon-Levitt Reference btw)

I stood in its beautiful beckoning presence for a minute or two. I also had watched the shy and patrolling retail Sentry of the cute blond. She attended to a Mac Pro's iTunes playlist from time to time and then a familiar album artwork was up next, and i was sold.

30 Seconds too Mars (A beautiful lie) rang out as i beckoned her over and asked if they had the camera in stock. He muted and quiet replies were hard to hear, despite a quiet store and moderate sounds of Progressive brilliance emanating from the very machine i loath. She looked at the number and went off to a computer to check. She and said it was in stock, oh joy. She then muttered more that i barely heard but i gathered that my answer should be to a question i wasn't even sure was asked. Yes i want to buy it.

I followed her to another employee' she was looking for keys. To what i wasn't sure. Then she went somewhere else and i briefly waited before turning back and looking at an upper range camera while in my forward periphery she opened the case and retrieved the soon to be mine camera.

I approached her and took it from her hand as she gestured it to me. Then more soft spoken words about memory cards. I have plenty at home, but now she was making a sales pitch. I followed along. She showed me to the cheaper ones and annoyingly the 4gbs were only 15 euro, but all gone. So i was left with 2GB for 13, my kingdom for anything more than 2GB, every fucking card i have is 2GB!



To the sales desk!



She asked for my name to put on the Receipt/warranty. I gave it in full, but she only needed the initial and my last name. She then typed my last name and asked if she had spelt it right in a soft way, i simply reached out and punched in the K to make it a real name. She smiled a little.

Then another sales pitch, 3 year warranty for an extra 20 euro. Multiple replacements at no extra cost no mater what the fault or cause. It was damn promising. But i had to think. Eh... my wallet won't like me. How will i live, even if i am accident prowen and could break the speed of light if i wasn't paying attention, could i pay that little extra...

I seemed to think to long, i was also starng back and forth between the blue strips of paper barely jutting from my wallet and her face, then her name badge, then she sold some more. But i was to skeptical, it was buttons, but not now, i can be extra careful.

She then passed me onto the cashier girl. Who also asked was there any 4 GB cards, and even went a brief hunt for one, alas no cigar.

My receipt was my 1 year warranty and i could apparently return anytime for the 3 year one. Hmm, i'll keep that in mind. By this stage the cute/shy blond had switch from 30 Seconds to Mars's most recent album(This Is War), and it was Kings and Queens straight away. Swoon.



Back on the Luas.


As i walked back to the Tram stop, the next one was pulling out of the shunting area and up beside me.

Ahead of me a group of younger rock chick type girls were walking up to the pay station. They didn't seem to be the sort of people you would stereotypically and prejudicially expect to see in Tallaght. A few had vibrant dyed hair colours, and i could read the grey hoody of the one closest to me which read " Tegan _ Sainthood_ Sara". This connection and the fact she was attractive put me at some ease. Further along this gaggle of younglings another girl was wearing a bluer grey hoody with a Triangle Shape with a line in it. It looked familiar, i think it may be associated with 30 Seconds to Mars's self titled first album.

I passed them and sat at the very front of the Tram, in order to get a head start at my stop and hopefully use the Tram as a means to cross a busy intersection and guard me from the traffic.

Behind me sat some very, ahem, obvious locale's.

They sat across the aisle from each other both tacking up 4 seats each and putting their feet up. The one directly behind me took out his phone and started playing music.


"ooohh aye, i just died in the road to-noite! Ye know this song, feckin' classic man."


Oh here it goes i thought, and it did.

The song continued to blare from what i colloquial call a knacker-speaker, that many phones, even mine, have. I relatively poor quality loud and sparkly form of Audio supply that really must be a pet peeve of Hi-Fi buffs and vinyl fanatics. (on a side note the one on my INQ is great, clearest i know of, no not my usual plug of INQ....just a fact and tip)

"Have you seen "Joe" (name change on purpose, for later obvious reason's) about lately."

"Joe? He's back in de locke upp, last i herd."

"The locke up, wasn't he out on satur-day, or on remand or sumt-in?"

"Oh Joe Blogs, Joe Smyth is in locke upp, Joe Blogs is fuckin' eejit anyways. Give Mickey a blow there"

"Hey do ye know this one, 'ooooohh, I, I just Died in the road Tonight.' "

"Hahah ye made eejit!"

"Yo, ha, ye know that one, ye anyways, i herd you had a fifth on ye, where are we meetin' ya laters, what, what, are ye there? Fecker hung up."

"Ah he's always doin' that he's a sciving fucker.

'ooooh, aye.....'

Ah will you stop that, i'll feckin' sciv ya. Scivy-sciv-sciv!"



And on it went.

I then went to the cinema and saw Brooklyn's Finest.

A rather good movie that came here a lot later than it's stateside release.

It was really good, some great gritty stuff.

Ethan Hawke played a Catholic narc cop (Training Day...) who kill's a CI in the first scene in order to get money for his family. His house has mould, his wife has asthma and an associated infection while pregnant with twins. They already have 4 kids. So effectively he has it feckin' rough, but ye know, "Every Sperm is Sacred".

Don Cheadle play's a DEEP Undercover in the Projects in Brooklyn. This Cat is rockin' the bling and dealin' the dope etc But he's also a bit lenient and community friendly, makin' sure his dealers make their Court Dates and get good lawyers etc He also has to check-in with his handler who promise's him a promotion and an end soon enough. He get's propositioned by yer wan from the Closer, playing an FBI Uber-feminist aiming to become Head of New York or President, i'm not sure which. She want's Don to Set up Wesley Snipes to go down even further and take out the whole operation. But Cheadle feel's for him, He's taxes to pay, he needs more screen time, and Blade Trinity wasn't that bad...

Richard Gere play's a hard ass old cop 7 day's from Retirement. He drinks Irish Whiskey just to wake up, he's bullied by the more Brotherhood type cops who want to weed out the weak links. He brushes it all off, he's waiting for his Pention. Treating "The Job" one day at a Time, instead of his alcoholism. He get's stiffed with a Young Recruit as part of Publicity. The Recruit was a former Marine, Not even born When Gere started as a cop,  8 028 days ago. (7 days short of 2 years) They don't get on and he gets transferred. Gere seeks his only reprieve from a whore and witness local scum but does nothing. The Rookie ends up dead, and then Gere Notice's a girl he saw being ruffed about by the scum is a missing girl. However Gere's seven days are slow, like most of the pacing of his segments, they take a 3rd seat to the other plots.






Gere get's another Recruit, who screws up, and theres some sick politics he won't play along with, because he's got his pension coming. He has Retirement, no more days on the job. He trys to take the blame for it, he knew it wasn't going to work, the Board and Politician's wanted to make it out the civilian affected had Priors and drugs (which he did) and that the fuck up was justified. No dice. Gere want's to wallow in his own misery.


Overall despite taking what seems like less screen Time, Gere has an almost better movie. He eventually goes all Taxi driver in the Denouement. And even gets the last seconds of screen time.


Ethan Hawke ends up being a comedic sketch from Monty Pythons the Meaning of Life. Catholic woe etc. He tries to steal drug money to survive and makes loads of mistakes.




Don Cheadle basically recreates the over-all theme of The Wire, and Try's to save Wesley Snipes Film Career, but it's too late. The movie had to fuck it all up and pop a cap in most of the African Characters collective asses....

a day of networking and free books, plus some catch up...

Well how could i not mention what i have been up to lately.



In regard to college, i may have briefly mentioned that when i went to get a form signed for applying for the dole, the wise people of Trinity told me i was down as off books.

A few weeks later i got around to calling my tutor and i saw her last friday.


It turns out the mother of all technical fuck ups happened. A computer input error of some kind means that i now have a 3rd chance to do 2nd year, providing i can pay the fee's.

I don't have to decide anything until September, but still its one hell of a fleuk-y jammy chance.

Before i am due to go back i am also going to be recieving my CAO results. We can't afford paying for 2 whole years of another course compared to just 1 of nursing before my other free fee's kick in, so this may or may not be mute. But i don't have to decide until then.


So on Friday, as well as phonning my parents, and going to the carreers office in Trinity to book an appointment i also went to a debate for the laugh. See old friends etc etc

Well it didnt exactly go as i'd hope, infact i was so out of the loop so to speak that i barely talked to anyone i knew and very little to stay. I sort of latched onto some people i barely knew and had just met but even then i wasn't exactly dazzling people with verbal calistenics and trope's, meme's, anecdote's and banter. No mainly i was pretty mute.

By the time the rather good debate was over i couldnt really see anyone i had anything to say to in the crowd, and it was A CROWD. I sort of got negative thoughts, a but panic-y and just left.




In other news i joined up with a Exchange Dublin and am now volunteering for them, and hope to get involved in a few of their groups and projects in the near future.


I was actually there today, on my first "shift" watching the place and meeting people from 3 til 7.

It effectively is a meeting place, of people and idea's and frankly as one guy said to me, it's far better than sitting in the house not meeting people and not talking to them about things.

Not only will helping out one day a week be great fun, with free tea, if i drank tea, but also wi-fi/ a linux computer at the front desk to toy with. New friends and connections to be made and the art/drama/photography/poetry and shared dvds and youtube findings of Dublin and even the worlds aspiring young adults and bohemian layabouts.


I discussed everything from the futility of a must see movies book, the amazing trips you can have stoned on european railway's, helped a cyclist with some bruised ribs while a german tourist got scared away from the bizzare gallery we crazy irish were in, recieve advise on the "proper" conduct when applying for the dole and i also rumaged through Oxfam's Rubbish in order to score free books that were being thrown out.  I could have gotten more, but it was cold, i didnt know when the truck would be there and my Hugo boss bag is not the property of Merry Popins, ie it has a spacial limit.



All in all it was a good day slash weekend. For the foreseeable future i will have to start looking for work, hand in those belated forms to the social welfare office. Study drivers theory test, read all my new film themed books that i was slowly buying with food money while my parents were away, and maybe even start my own amateur film's?

I'm also cotemplating returning interest in The Society and running for election in order to be "active" in college and get on certain people's good side's if intend to return to Nursing, maybe even do schols or try and get a room on campus in 3rd and 4th year??? Somewhere in a paralel universe i may do just that, and more.


Who know's. Oh and of course, blog more often, how could i leave that out?

2 weeks alone, 1 day out, 1 week left..

till the Parents get home and i have to find work and study for the driver theory test.




So 2 weeks of squalor and laziness down. Yeah i seemed to spend most of my time doing absoloutly nothing, but i'm home a lone. The food is slowly running out and all creativity is gone from my veins. Well i say that, i have idea's but with my desk and personal computer gone, i have no place to work or be myself, the house and even my room has almost no sense of being "mine" anymore.

So even though i'm me, my creative side has been absent. So i've basically just lounged around the place and done very little.


Last weekend, not yesterday, the weekend before that, i did attempt to Cycle to the shops but i ended up a bit exhausted and with a sore arse so i didn't quite make it.

On Monday i walked to the shops and got some additional supplies and on the way home bumped into my neighbour who gave me a lift.

On Wednesday i finally headed into town to run some errands and see old friends.

I got into town around 1 but no one was about in the Gimby because of some debate, the Office i needed in Trinity for a form to be filled out was closed, so i went window shopping.

I walked into bookstores, pre-ambled through Temple bar and went through back streets to Temple Bar South. I looked around in Lazer and then the Secret bookstore and tower records. I then went into mobile shops for a little more shopping around, looking at potential new phones.

I eventually reached the 3 stores and discussed getting the new INQ 3G Chat to replace my INQ1, but i wasn't to sure whether to get it on bill pay or best of both. For bill pay the guy tried to sell me some Nokia Blackberry rip off, that was actually a better phone than the INQ, but in the end i thought the Chat was what i truly wanted, and if i could afford it and prove i had enough in my bank account i would get it. Neither of which were true... So i told the Salesperson i would think about it and left sad knowing i couldnt have the cool gadget.


By that stage the office i wanted had to be open so i started heading back to Trinity.

PG then started texting me to meet up like we had planed, but i was running very far behind and almost out of credit.

I entered the office and asked for them to help with what i needed, wrong office...

The correct office. Apparently the version of the form i had was far longer, and also, i'm apparently on "Off Books". Something i didn't apply for since i thought once i failed my appeal, i was out.

I was sent to the origional office to check my official status. Yes, apparently through massive clerical fuck up i'm still IN Trinity, albeit off Books. Now i have to sort that out with my Tutor and the Senior Tutor.

Here's me thinking i'm a free agent, i've been and come back from Australia looking for work, and i'm apparently still in college??? I've even applied for the CAO to enter college next year. I'm also applying for the dole and need this letter saying i'm no longer IN Trinity, and some how i am. WTF?

All while sorting out this mess i was getting texts from PG to meet her in Some pancake cafe in Temple Bar.
I bought some credit and also heard for DS who had agreed to meet me to hang out.

I met with PG and another old gang member and PG gave me very belated Xmas and birthday gifts. The only present i had received for my Birthday as my parents had left a day or two before. We then went for some White hot chocolate from Butlers Chocolate Cafe. My treat for some reason. Which PG apparently loved.

We then Parted way's at the Whore (Molly Malone) and PG went off to meet up with Avril.

I met DS at the bottom of Grafton street and he told me he had some cloths shopping to do, so we did that.

Truly out of our comfort zone's we went into BT2, the mens department was in the basement, how demeaning.

It was all over priced and slightly rediculous, half this stuff wouldn't be worn by straight men. It was all, so, fashionable, it's like they don't know men at all!

DS couldn't find what he was looking for, a pair of black Size 29 Jeans. Skinny feckar.

So we then tried Brown Thomas.

Even the Door greeters are gone now, sign's of the recession!

I told my anecdote that as a child i always thought the Make-up stands looked like the control's of the Enterprise, or would make good cheap props for sci-fi.

Again, the men's department was in the basement. Further insult.

But this one was almost identical, but with mirrors on every wall to make the place look bigger and disorientate the customer. DS couldn't find what he was looking for and we both Moaned about how shit the selection was, DS even saying he'd prefare to just go to London or Milan again on cheap Ryanair flight to find cloths he wanted. Not a bad idea, this place was just disturbing, and overwhelming not suited for "normal" men.

Lost, we ascended an exit and it took me a few seconds to get my barrings. The Make-up area of Brown Thomas has displays too tall to see the exits, and they are all in line of sight to prevent you from moving smoothly through the store, it's a shopping TRAP!

We exited on a side street and we were safe!

I then went book shopping, first to re-view books i'd seen on film in The Secret Bookstore and another one on College Green.

The books in the secret bookstore weren't that good, but i did find a book on Watergate for 1 Euro, how could i say no to that!


We went to college green where there were 3 books i had my eye on.

1 on Road movies, another sort of essay/academic book explaining On the Road by Jack Kerouac and one on Music festivals in america. All "research" for a road movie student film that i hope to make myself, somehow in the near-by future.

In the end i bought the Road movie book and a Film Studies text book that i found. All about 30 euro altogether.

After that i couldn't think of much else to do other than spend time with college friends, and i didn't have the money to see a movie, so DS and myself parted ways.

I popped into Trinity via Nassau street and was met with the Rotting smell of the Tree that once stood there. I had witnessed it's removal while studying during the summer and now it was a foul smell. How nice...

I arrived in the Gimby and ascended to the Societies room's. Not that many people were around.

DJ was in the corner Hurridly writting an essay and talking to someone about his work for the Trinity Arts festival, his comunity centre and how he knew certain people.

And Nordie 2 was sitting reading Philosophy, in German, a language he only picked up of his Dutch roommate last year.

I told him about my time in Oz and my college status etc etc He then returned to reading and passed a few Joke's and discussions on German grammar with Letch.

Then Nordie 2 recieved a phone call in which he said "...all you need is a thick Belfast accent and a threatening tone and you're set..." I have no idea what he was talking about but i couldn't help but smile.

A few panicked Society dealing went on while i sat there, as the Ballot box had dissapeared, found again, in the Other's hands for some reason. And a person who lost a phone popped up looking for it, but a big clean had been done and such item's put in a box, who's whereabouts was unknown and only one person who was unreachable knew where it might be. So basically a normal day for the Society, just that it was my old friends now in these positions of power, and i could have been one of them.

Few people were around and a Workshop for debatting was starting so i left.

I then left town as there was nothing left to do and PG and met up with her other half so i knew of no-one still hanging around.



That was Wednesday. I didnt do much for the rest of the week and my sleep pattern hasn't been the May West.

Yesterday 2 family friends popped by at different times, witnessing my disheveled unshave tracksuit waring self. But luckily my parents had rung in advance to warn that one of them might be comming over so i was able to scrub the kitchen in time to make it look like i was on top of things. I was just about to have the last of the Porridge when the first popped by.

Then latter in the day i heard the sound of a car arriving. I looked out, it was a Garda car. Confused i answered the door.

It was a friends of the Families wife, she was handing in books for the Driver's theory test that had been borrowed by the same guy who helped me with my CAO application. Very handy, i might pick them up over the next week or so and be ready to have the test ASAP when my parents get home.


5 days left and i've little to do, as usual. Just started reading the Road Movie book out of boredom, even woke at a reasonable time.

Sorry for the lack of blogs, i've had little to say and i left talking about wednesday off for age's.

Task's to do:

Clean house fully
Buy Staples and food for parents return.
Sort out "off books" status with college/tutor/senior tutor.
Bring forms to Social welfare office.
Study for Driver Theory Test

FIND A JOB.


Tuddles.

The Dole, The CAO, some chat, Some Cider, and a whole lot of trouble...

So on thursday i was a very busy day. First off was registering for the Jobs Seekers allowence (The Dole to normal people), or at least handing in a few forms to go through the means test for it.

Image via Wikipedia

 I hopped out of the Red Merc on the Quay's in Drogheda and struggled to cross the awful road. I poped my earphones in and started to listen to music as i nonchalantly  aproached to Dole Que. With people from all walks of life, and the odd stereotype affirming people i waited in the cold.

After struggling with the preamble of bad questions, and one's aimed at catching out non-nationals, i finally got my forms handed in. Although the scowls and lack of friendly-ness from the Social Service's counter woman, weren't exactly positive or encouraging, but i'm sure she's like that with loads of us dead beats....

I still had two items left to hand in. A proof of address, hard when i don't have a job history or reason to get many official letters. And a letter from Trinity College stating i am no longer a student at their fine establishment.

I was then finished and rang my father to tell him i was done.


So i waited in the cold, briefly looking in the Vodafone shop and waited again in the cold.

Eventual the familiar sight of a Mercedes Saloon circa, anytime, returned, it's only distinctive feature being slightly more rounded lights and a red wine colour. (More on this later)

We then headed into Dublin on, shock horror, the Dublin Road. Stopping off at the Train station to buy a daily return train ticket, off-peak, for a couple of euro less than a single would be either way. All so i could have a ticket for my way home. I hate to cheat CIE/Iarnrod Eireann/ The State, but it's cheaper that way!

We drove all the way into Finglas to my dads old school where a friend and workmate of his would explain the CAO application process and help me with it.

My dad attended to some of his IT duties and then we met up with his friend.

I checked my email and deleted Facebook notifications that i could check in the real deal, as annoyingly the filters and firewalls are rather good in my dads School. Can't even get to proxies or other service's that aggregate stuff from places like facebook, twitter etc.

One a facebook email from my sister, i was in trouble..... More later....

I went through a demo of the application process and hit a wall, i needed my old Examination number, from nearly 4 years ago!

So Directory inquiries, whats the number for my old school, no i'll call them myself.

"Hi i'm so and so, i'm an old student i sat my leaving in 2006, can i have my examination number..."

Well it turns out the secretary had to look for it, and i'd have to drop in, in person. Que having to go all the way to Ranelagh.


Now once i was finished in my dads school in Finglas i had to get a bus. So i hopped on the number 19.

1.80 to get to O'Connell Street. Took about 35 minutes. In a roundabout route and a lot of narrow roads, housing estates, and going past Met Eireann, the Botanic Gardens, the Ugly mass of the Phibsburough's shopping centre, then the train station that is now a bus depot and the through street's i'd never seen before. There's a lot of windy narrow inner-city streets behind Parnell Street that i'd never seen before.


Got off the bus at the large Spar and walked the rest of the massive Thoroughfare of our Iconic street and crossed the Liffy.

Down the opposite side of Westmoreland street, the semi-dead side, to avoid foot traffic, and then across college Green via the Front arch of College Green, and Up Lower Grafton street, my ankles already aching as the uneven paving and cold air were not the same as Scrub land and, flat and heat that i have recently been walking in Australia.

Image via Wikipedia

By the time i was dodging wayward pedestrian's on Grafton Street i had already seen 5 face's i recognised. In Melbourne i NEVER saw a familiar face. In the space of a few minutes and several hundred meter's in Dublin, i'd seen loads of people. I didn't stop to talk to any of them, most didn't noticed me, one even was yawning as she saw me, but didn't have that tell tale look of realisation.

I eventual got the luas and noticed that it had now been 42 minutes since i left Finglas. Good time, sort of.

Made it to the Beechwood stop in no time and walked through the back street's to my old school.

The new gym is a bit of a shock to my old memory. It was one of the 2 lunch breaks the school use's, as i could tell with the time, and smaller crowd of pubescent male's that it had to be the same system brought in my last year.

Up the new steps to the old House, the center of the school i sat and waited for the secretary who i had spoken to earlier.

None of the students were familiar, they were all 2nd years or 1st years when i left, or worse, non-existant, not liked i knew them anyway, i wasn't a prefect and as a 6th year our private form room was the place to be, especially in winter. (Ireland...)

The Drama teacher past me, I told him i was between things at the moment.

My old Form teacher of 4 and a bit years passed me, i automatically said, "Hello Sir." He just nodded and said Hi, nothing more, like he didn't really notice.

I received my Exam number and that was it. I walked out and passed what appeared to be 6th years returning from the Village with their lunch, not a familiar face among them.

I got the back to the Luas and arrived in town. I was to meet my old nursing friend Budsey who i hadn't seen since the day before i left for Oz.

We decided on the Buttery in Trinity's Front Square to avoid the cold.

So i told Budsy what i got up to in Oz.

That is, a threesome with an Aussie friend i made online and her Boyfriend, in my sisters house, while she was away.


I won't go into full detail's, but i told of the story to PG (my ex) sort of a form of gossip, that i thought she would like to know. Mistake number 1.

Mistake 2 was that i pre-wrote the email in a word document to save using the internet to much, so as to not piss off my sister.

Well that document was apparently saved in 2 place's, and my sister found it.... She was not a happy bunny.

What doesn't make matters any easier is that my Parents are now In Australia for 3 weeks while i'm at home dog sitting.

I talked at length with Budsey about my time there, what i got up to, my crisis with my sister's anger, and of course how she had been since i'd last seen her and some idle gossip here and there.

We talked for age's in the Buttery.

I was due to meet DS for a traditional movie viewing at Cineworld at 3.10, but strangely i hadn't heard from him.

So almost out of character, i phoned him. Yes, i PHONED him.

Dear god is the world ending, Me, using a phone, for phone call's, speaking, on a phone, madness!

Apparently his phone was more fucked up than the gulf between rich and poor. And was unable to send and recieve texts.

So the movie was off. More time with Budsey.

We dragged our chatty on to Eddie Rockets and on the way, i saw more familiar Face's. More specifically people from the Society who i hadn't seen in age's, and i briefly remembered i offered to help if i was arround. But good conversation, or was it the fact i was talking about respective sex live's, kept my altruism at bay.

Wow the menu sure is larger in Empty Pockets these days. And there's an Aero 'Shake now.

I had that and half onion rings/ half chips, Budsey just the new 'Shake as she ate in the buttery when i was still saving for cinema popcorn and a real ticket stub.

I shared what photo's i could find on my phone of my time in Melbourne, mainly just attractive buildings, and more conversation.

Then we met DS at St Stephens Green and went to the Porter House for a drink or two.

We were there for a good two hours talking about anything from movies, to confidentiality to a guide to beer booklet that was sitting on our table.

Then close to leaving i found something on the floor of the bathroom stall.....

Possiblly the oddest thing i've ever found in a bathroom.

And Essay entitled:

The Potato's Contribution to Population and Urbanization:
Evidence from an Historical Experiment


This academic article, apparently, i say apparently since it use's americanised spellings, poor grammar and an apostrophe in potatoes, was just sitting there on the floor of the cubicle.

Covered in Annotated hand written notes, and a http of a TCD Gmail account i can only assume a Trinity Student took this article to the pub, and forgot about it.

I picked it up, it wasn't dirty, other than my own footprint, and brought it to Budsey and DS.

I discussed it and laughed, and concluded that handing it to bar staff wouldn't help, a facebook group was the answer.

So here it is, if you know who own's this article and if they want it back.

Go to this group:

Help Find the Owner of this Article i found in the Porter House.



That's all for now folks. Until next time.

I'm Back in Ireland....

and i'm on the hunt for a job, and college course's.


The job is essential. The Australia excursion was after all a disaster. And i massive waste of money. Despite a job interview last week, just days after my flight home was booked, if they say yes it won't matter, i'm 11,000 miles away. So a real shame.


So being home i have to prepare for my future. And i hope to go to college again, so i'll be applying for the CAO form etc etc

I found some 10 or so course's that i'd like to do, all centered around Media, Film or English/Arts.

I'll be applying for those by next week, 1st of feb to be exact.

But i do have a problem, i have already done the first 2 years of an undergrad course. So in theory i have to pay for those years myself as the state has already payed for those 2 years. This is most likely in access of 7,000 for each year. The idea that i can earn that much by september is probably unlikely. So i could be in for a MASSIVE DEBT. But if it means a future, than i may have to take such a burden.


Also of late i have been considering doing charity work. Especially with the Haiti Earthquake. In general i'd like to do things for the world, help out etc. And with several of my interests and wild imagination i'd love to make a difference or enact change. You know, the Naive hopeful thoughts of youth.

Everything from lending a hand, creating new ways of helping and communicating for charities and so on, and even crazier idea's like how to re-build societies in the 3rd world etc.


Whatever i do in the future is not set in stone. But i hope to at least be succesful in some way.


The point of the English and arts degrees, and even the New English and Film course in UCD, is so that i can appease the side's of me that love Culture and film, the written word, opinion, current affairs etc etc.

The slightly more media course's are all either from the Design and technical point of view.

From behind the scenes stuff, to even how to be an actual film maker or photographer. A line of work that is a great "in" to the film and television industry's. And also vital skills if i was to make movie's myself. Which i am actually considering....

Although i don't have a camera, sound equipment, editing equipment or software, a screen-play/idea, actors, or Money. But i'd love to make an amateur film at some time in the nearby future....

I'm Heading Down Under...

Yes indeed.


On monday i was doing the usual, chore's and next to nothing. Things are bleak here in ireland and my parents know this.


So while i was sorting my dad's receipts in date order and then collecting copper change into money bags my dad discussed the possiblity of sending me to live with my sister so that i could get work and money for college.


Since failing Nursing i have been unemployed and frankly ireland is really really not a place to get a job these days, and i don't exactly have much work experiance.


So i'm being shipped off to the southern hemisphere and a country emerging from a recession.



So that's where i'm heading in the foreseeable future.

Some time in November or December i will be flying off to get work and to fund my future.


That future is not set but i'm looking at returning to college. Trinity is out of the question as none of the course's i'm interested in are available to me with the points i got in the leaving cert 3 years ago.


So i'm applying for either an Arts degree in UCD(D) or English with film or journalism in Scotland.


To Study Arts here in Ireland require's me to pay for my first 2 years as i have already recieved them for free, in my first 2 years of nursing. I still owe 7 grand for my repeat year. So working and getting money together is essential.

Scotland is an option because that's what my sister did. She got "free" education there. And so does my friend DS. I can't pass up that option at all because it's cheaper and yet another life affirming choice.

Ireland is my home. I will miss my friends in Trinity and from Nursing, i already do being cooped up at home, but Australia is on the other side of the world. UCD would be a return to my Southside "roots" but i'm not that pushed about it. Scotland however sounds so promising. To do what i want to do in another world and be independent while doing it.

And of course if i choose Napier, my sisters college, i'll be in Edinburgh. Edinburgh is a great city, and it means i can host friends who pop over for the Fringe and comedy festival's, what's not to like about that?



It's all ahead of me now.


PS: Sorry for the lack of blogging, but i don't have my own computer or the same amount of time on my dads laptop. I also have far less to blog about stuck at home!

Road to the future...

So i'm going to talk about what's going on in my life, how i got here, what i'm doing, and what i hope to do.

I want to keep this as brief as possible, to not rant, but i know i will, so bare with me...


What Happened:


Unsure who I was i thought Nursing was a good choice of career and or college.

I spent the first year lonely and slightly lazy college wise but i passed.

I had a failed relationship in my second year and was even lazier. And i failed.

I was given another chance. I repeated the year. I built a massive new peer group on campus and loved it. I spent all my free time giving to it and receiving some thanks in return. I also didn't work hard enough.

I tried to work hard. But i was still me, it had been so long i was lazy, i avoided it and i was afraid that i would fail and disapoint people. I was afraid to try and i avoided it.

I failed. I disapointed myself and my parents who are if anything exhausted with me.

3 years of college down the drain. 6 years of private school education that i never put to any use.

I'm Lonely.

I'm Lethargic, depressed, lazy, annoyed, frustrated, negative and generally fear responsibility or any drive at all.




What am i doing?




I'm the house maid. I clean the house, unwillingly and lackadaisically and feed and walk the dogs.

I slowly search for new college course's. I've barely updated my CV and done nothing with it.

I email Society people willing to help out and even make some money from it, but all those spots are filled.

I miss my friends. I miss having something to do. I feel sorry for myself and i do fuck all everyday.

I watch far too much pirated television the day after it airs in the states.

I think and yet i do nothing. I dream and yet i don't fulfill any of them.

I reflect on everything and still blame and excuse myself in equal measure, but i don't deal with the present.



What i have to do?

I have to earn money.

I have to repay my parents.

I have to achieve my own independence and have a career that allows me to survive in this world.

And i have to be an adult.


How will i achieve this?


By getting a job, any kind, as long as it pays minutely above minimum wage as per the law etc.

Saving for college here or abroad, and most likely getting a student loan.

Being confident in myself and competent in my actions to be a successful student and become qualified.

By the time i am likely to be finished college i will be 26. Very late i know, but by then i hope to be mature.

I hope to do some kind of arts degree, english or film or journalism. There are several course's that encompass aspects of both. And UCD or Scotland are my main choices.





Why i never made this choice 4 years ago is beyond me. Nursing was okay, but i never really worked. I never took responsibility and it was a disaster. I could do the job but my heart was never in it. I was depressed for most of it and frankly because i was down and never fully working it just kept getting worse and worse. And i eventually failed for the last time.



Now i have to find employment of some kind. I have to claw my place into the world with no qualifications and no experience and hope i can run back to college and learn something i am interested in that has the slightest chance of a career at the end of it.



It sounds like a really really big challenge, but i have to do it.





I have dreams:




I want to travel the world.

Inter-railing.

American Road Trip.

Ozbus - London to Sydney

and maybe even road trip to Rio 2016.

I want to be a writer. I want to continue my love of film, write books, write screenplays, write short stories, write blogs and generally be me and have fun while doing it.

I want to somehow achieve freedom by expressing who i am and discussing the wider world.

I also want to share what i have to offer with the world, whether through teaching, writing, journalism, blogging or even film/television/plays.

I basically want to be heard. I want my mind and my words to be my talent and main skill.


I may be lethargic and self loathing at the moment but i would be willing to do anything to make this dream come true. To have freedom to see the world to live in the world and experiance all life has to offer.

I have never liked the idea of 9 to 5. But i do long for the idea of settling down some day.

If i can see the world, live life, write all the time in various ways and then settle down and teach or share more, then i would be happy. That would be the perfect life for me. I just have to achieve it.



Goal's:

To Graduate from College

To See the World

To write no matter what.

To settle down and share my knoledge with children and others.

To die in the comfort that i at least lived and left enough of a mark that people i don't know will still remember me and believe i lived a good life.



Now To live life.

Turning a new metaphore...

So the date came and went. Examblor rear it's ugly head.

And i have to say it wasn't so bad. 1 more exam failed. So the tally is now as follows.

2 Exams that i have to resit

An assignment i have to have handed in by august 31st or some such

And the placement i fucked up on has to be done next week.

So with a lot of early starts and groveling that will be out of the way next week. Thank fuck for that. I stood nervously speaking with deliberate elocution almost shouting into my phone's speaker phone when talking to the relevant office and apologising. I was trying to control a nervous stutter and remain clear and audible while being terrified of not only the responsibility of owning up to being a selfish ignorant fuck wit, but also doing anything that i should be doing ie fixing my own mess!

So next week i'll have 450 am starts and will be re-doning my tunic to take care of people for free and supposedly get an education. Glory be and all that. It's the height of summer. Okay i have no job, i'm poor at delegating with friends but feck. This mess of my own making really is inconvenient. You'd think after years of avoiding thing's i'd learn a lesson or something. All i've learnt is how to make shit worse.

I've put my parents 7 grand in debt. I have to repeat my exams, in my repeat year, and i missed the time owing i should have payed back when they were on holiday. I really have a talent for fucking up and being self-centred and self-affacing and all other self things.

I received my results in an email mere minutes before i was due to go into town to go and get them. Knowing my results i still went into town.

I then checked them in their hard copy format on the notice board when i got into D'Olier Street.

I then saw a few face's here and there, my old year and my current. One easy one to spot was purple face. I call her this because of her hysteric reaction on failing last september. Or whenever it was, the week before they guaranteed Irish debt for 4 generation's if my memory serves right. She was very upset and so on. Lucky for me, i had parent's who put far too much faith in me and gave me a repeat year via a credit union loan.

Interesting since that whole morning me and my father were driving in the rain listening to the economic gloom of the government announcement of that insane and inane "guarantee". So after a few quick emails the decision was made to repeat instead of the obvious disaster of "off books". So i got my second chance. Purple face didn't have that. She went off books, as far as i could tell. And by the look of her reaction nearly a year later, she still didn't do to well. Shame, pity, so on and so forth.

Considering i have squandered this year. Considering i spent most of it developing a "social life" in the form of my connection to the Society. Considering i put a lot of thankless effort into that and then never voted for myself to guarantee a term of office i would either not be able to sit or would have been to busy for. Considering i was still depressed and never fully pulled myself out of a rut enough to study fully and to pass as i was forced to promise. Considering i made the same mistakes again and again, and added new one's.

Considering all that, i still have the last LAST CHANCE. And fuck it i have to work. I'm not emotional. I don't really want to be a nurse forever. If i get this over with i'll branch out instantly. I'll do social work, i'll do charity work, i'll go to the Sudan and get shot for handing out grain; i'll do anything not to wipe an old woman's ass again.

Following receiving my results i sent an email update to my tutor and waited a reply. Seeing this wasn't going to happen i went walking. I was still aching a bit from my Sunday morning stroll in the docklands. But it had given me a spring in my emotion's mere minutes before my results. So i thought for the sake of time wasting and health, keep on walking.

So i went down D'Olier street. Onto Pearse street, around the construction. College green. Trinity campus. Cut through to the art's block. Pass by that cutie who rejected me who never saw me, her mouth a-ghast with large click's of chewing gum. Nassau street. The same beggar in front of the spar. The first news agent's on Grafton street, DAMN that new JOLT stuff is expensive. A price hunt it was. Dame street and back into temple bar at exchange street. Every newsagent's along the way and even a nostalgic look into the grotty café that i had that "lunch" with Cleo. Exchange street. Those kid's and their youth project busy building their space. I walked on, there was more to this area i didn't know. A lane that looks like the one featured on the "VOTE YES" ad's for Lisbon. An art gallery with metal sculpture's of Preditor's and Alien's and one bitchin' Optimus Prime. Wood Quay. Heart of Dubh Linn. A reptile shop, MORE humid than our weather, a cool breeze shock upon leaving. Walk back east along the liffey.

A Czech soldier is asked by local slurred speech skanger local's was he one of "our" boy's back from Chad. Then up Capal street. Many memories. My dad used to park here for shopping on saturday mornings, years ago. We used to have breakfast in Bewley's on Henry street. Now all evidence of it is gone. I tried to look for Bananbar books, but it was long gone. Then i saw the several adult shops, odly open in day time. Memories of possibly the only sex my mind brags about that i had with PG. A wonderful night that included me buying lube, our first successful attempts at anal and 3 great time's so exhausting that i ached for days. More and more newsagent's along the way. Jolt product's are hard to come by. Then i reached the end of Capal street and realised i knew nothing further. To my right was Parnell street, and the Virgin Imax/UGC/Cineworld. My favourite cinema. DS and mines sanctuary of movie education and worship. I'd seen a large road on maps, past this point, not knowing it's name. So i walked there. Bolton street. Ethnic melting pot just like Parnell street, or as i like to think "Chinatown". Gave up on my Jolt price search. Then bought a "Tiger" energy drink in a small bistro/mini-shop. It's ingredient's all in polish. .99 cent and an attractive migrant worker on till, who was i to complain. The next door down, a spar. To my infinite luck, and what i instantly predicted. JOLT was available in this shop. Not just Jolt cola, but all 3 of the new flavours, plus the energy tablets at an extortionate 3.99.

I then walked up a side street. A large gate beckoned. The second i reached it my mother rang. Was told to attempt to contact tutor in person. She asked why i wasn't in "trinity". I said i was waiting. I also said i was on Parnell street, and not "relatively" lost on purpose. My college is D'Olier street as it is, separate campus. My Tutor's office is in Apollo house. It's a monster eye-sore nestled behind the stye that is the Department of Health and Children. Architectural shudder. It was 435pm. Train at 1714 in Dublin Pearse. I walked briskly, with a limb all the way from KIngs Inn's, to Parnell street, O'Connel Street, Abbey Street, The liffey, Tara Street, by Apollo house, read email's on Inq, no response, up pearse street in spitting's of rain, and onto Westland Row at 1703 or so...

Reading on train, on 1984 now. Eventually got phone call while passing between Balbriggan and Gormanston. The Army Artillery Corps were practicing on the coast for some reason. AND HOME.

Not really blogging but rants and explanation's. I'll be back on the wards next week. A lot of chore's tomorrow. Hovering, weed picking, dog feeding and so on. Study also needed. How i'll fit my new books in i don't know. But i will!

Tid bit's some time "today".