The battle with the dark, insomnia and Rowling thoughts...
(This was a blog post i composed early last week, never finished it though...)
Sometimes i hate this time, others i embrace it. The moments before sleep you cant achieve, where you mind ebbs and flows with worries, analysis and memories. From this past week i have many new memories, good, bad, and ugly.
And it is a struggle to come to terms with it all. Despite good intentions, the week never really turned out like i imagined. In some instance's it was great that it didn't follow a set plan, in others plans fell apart or didn't emerge as hoped. It was hodge-podge of uncertain results that have left me dumbfounded as to which actions to pursue in several situations.
And for the most part the only voice i have to express is my internal one. And the only person listening, at the moment, is me. This is very hard to return to, when socialising and dulling my mind have been more equal than weeks past. Yes, most of my points in this post will greatly refer to my screen name, and the philosophy and connotations i use to express how i see myself...
I suppose the best way to tell of my week is to speak in a structure. Not quite the good, the bad and the ugly, more the social, the disappointing and the negative self reflection. Catchy title's no?
The SOCIAL:
So in keeping with my last blog post i set out upon my new found semI-optimism by making plans with friends for the week.
I planed for the cinema with DS and anyone who could join, on Thursday. To see toy story 3D.
For Friday i would catch up With Dona over lunch or "coffee" and following that Budsey for drinks of some kind.
Unfortunately Gammaman was unavailable, and my wallet limited, so a Wednesday meet up had to be ruled out.
My usually ever present Ex, PG, was on nights, and not really talking to me about much anyway, so i ruled her out automatically. All over built up spite over the past couple of years really, harking back to the same issue's as to why i broke up with her via an extended textual conversation one depressed rainy spring weekend.
I also expressed further dismay that Ming would not be returning to Dublin anytime soon, and was off to London. I'd like to go to London, or anywhere! My parents are off to Venice next week. Oh how jealous i am on many levels, more on this later.
The cinema was a good time. Nordie 1 saw my facebook status update invite to my entire social circle to see who wanted to see toy story, and joined the outing. This was good considering i hadn't seen him in about 3 and a half years or so, and especially not as much as every day in secondary school. Such nostalgia is likely to pop up more as i make my student film over the next few weeks as i hope to get as many friends as possible to help out in the creation of it.
I loved Toy Story 3, it was a heartbreaking reminder of childhood and just damn brilliant.
I couldn't stick around with DS and Nordie 1 though as i had to head home. Just barely meeting my mothers train on time on arrival in Drogheda by a bus that left 30 minutes early.
Late on Thursday night though my plans with Dona were canceled. Whether i willl talk about this is a matter of conjecture in my head....
Plans still held though with Budsey, so that would be good...
Setting off in the overcast skies of Friday morning i was frightfully nervous and uncertain. The weight of Dona's cancellation, and fearing job hunting were barring down on me, not to mention uncertainty over how things would be, on several levels, around Budsey.
Somehow i found the time and effort to walk up and down Dublin looking in windows for job positions. Barely a catch. Try as i might i could not find the courage to enquire anywhere. A failing i must admit, but at the same time, positions i did find, were looking for people with experience, and qualifications. None of these i can really offer, and i was pre-emptively defeated.
One strange posting however caught my eye.
Hair model's wanted.
I passed this location, in a quite Alley twice. I have grown to love this ally as a sort of a Harry Potter link that i used to not know about. I love to duck through it to get from random to random, and also to admire the pub fronts and quirks it has to offer. For the life of me i had never noticed a barbers.
Upon relieving myself in public facilities in TCD, i returned and entered.
I asked the Women there, apparently the only staff, what the post meant?
Apparently one of them is a student Barber/Hair Dresser/hair stylest/Male grooming facilitator, and they were looking for training subjects, who would get their hair cut for free.
Well i had hair, it was unruly and needed cutting, i said yes.
So i sat in the chair, and several awkward moments ensued.
The trainee was actually kind of hot, this would not be easy. Having you hair washed, when getting a cut, was alien enough, but having to lean forward???
Then the general chit chat, few and far between, but different to the silence i get in my usual place. At first my usual barbers would ask questions and so on, back when i was a teenager, but since then they seem to have recognised that i am not interested, and that i am slightly different to them. The accent, the vocab, and quite possibly the socio-economic background and interests. Football, in a barbers, wheres the music, this may be 9 quid a cut but your establishment is "beneath me". (that being what i think, they think i'm thinking, when i'm there)
The Irish have a Unique capacity for cynicism in the face of this economic crisis. We all think the world is impossible and unforgiving, or at least that is how we casually accept how we must talk to others. Pretend were all equal, or all suffering, and hide any positives, or i am worse off anecdotes. This Trainee had a lot of this.
My, i was a male nurse, now just a bar back on the weekends was nothing compared to her. She was utterly without a 3rd level prospect, deriding the whole Career Counseling profession as expecting all girls to be Nurse's. She herself could not be a nurse, not the usual thing of gore etc, but the self revealing story that her Mother recently died. Hospice's was mentioned, but i dare not pry, i had no idea how to take this offering of conversation. Yes nursing is very noble, and not for all, but to continue down that cul de sac of connecting memory dots for her could not be a good thing. I could not really mention all i saw in James's, her mother had been there. The Cancer ward i admired was off limits, the STD's and the HIV or Burns also. Suddenly my disgust at the care of the elderly Overcrowding i had already derided was now insensitive, and i couldn't say anymore at all about nursing, or college.
She was also finding it hard to learn in her job of a year. To find hair models, or prove her skill.
Okay i was top-trumped by economic woe, a first. This had fizzled all conversation.
I was left to staring in the mirror at my hair receding, or at the ornate nature of the Dunnes Stores window down the street. Certainly not at her. That was difficult, used to ignoring men who ignore me and do a task. Instead i had a unsure nubile young woman at close quarters slowly changing my appearance. While i sat as a training instrument, trying not to let my mind undo a century of feminism and social change.
With my new head of hair i did more window job hunting, but to no real discovery of anything i gave up.
A very good busking group performed Dakota by Stereophonics with a box, an acoustic guitar and a violin, and a 3 part harmony. I had heard this rendition before while walking on Grafton street, and assumed the Guitarist must play there regularly, but the first time without the other 2.
With some red bull cola, and a guardian in hand, i sat at the base of an O'Connell street statue and waited for Budsey to arrive on the Luas.
I must have been engrossed in the G2's article on BASE jumping to notice her arrival so i got up, with a slightly stiff lower body and met her at the steps of easons.
We walked and talked and decided on Some Milkshakes from college green. Then consumed and chatted in Temple bar Square to the background noise of tourists, locals, Restaurant pushers and an Eastern European Folk group that also played some Rolling Stones acoustically.
We then went looking for a pub and eventually settled on the Czech Inn in Old town. What followed was, of course, Drink, open and frank discussions on sexuality, personal histories and religious belief. To say i did most of the talking was an understatement, but with most questions originating from Budsey i was all to happy to share and answer as much as i could. A good time had.
And after waiting for a heavy shower to pass we walked along wood quay to the four courts and parted ways on opposite Trams.
The Disappointing.
I wanted to blog a lot more this week, but i didn't.
I was perturbed and put off by the fact that my efforts to review an album and include youtube video's were scuppered by a crashed tab of blogger. And when i returned half of the post was missing due to several glitches and alterations, that were subsequently a lesser post than what i had been pre-typing on my Notebook.
And i also further dulled my mind with excessive internet use. Tumblr being a large component of this. It is fucking addictive stuff. And if you dear reader have not noticed, i have added a tumblr display to the bottom of my page, and have also started to FLOOD my twitter with, what i can only assume is annoying, auto-updates. I apologise for this if some do not appreciate the Tumblr medium, or generally don't like non-narcissistic twitter posts.
I also did not receive any round Zero offers on my CAO application. This is supposedly a round for people who have done the leaving in the past, and mature applicants, and for certain course's but nothing. Why i don't know but oh well. I have no clear concrete plans yet anyway...
Work was alright this week. I'm well into the swing of things, but it felt like a lackluster affair for some reason.
Maybe because i was so tired afterwards, and that i had spent so much money during the week after doing 2 nights in a row.
I also noticed a very cute redhead at the bar several times. And she appeared to be alone, a very rare sight. I actually had asked a colleague where she had gone. Disappointingly she had left for a rival club that is usually mentioned as preferred by the locals. A pity on many levels.
The Negative
Hmm where to begin on all that negative...
(Thus ends a this post. Can't think of a way to mend it, or end it, so i'll leave as is.)
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
A month of Good Intentions...
In which i make life long choices, and have fun doing it.
So we're in august 2010. We're so far in the future that we have surpassed Lisa Simpsons wedding.
Evidence:
Honestly at no fixed point in time did i have any idea what i would be doing with my life in the future.
One fantasy that remained was that i wanted to be a film director or writer. Recently it has molded into the idea that i want to be a "cineauteur". Which means i want to be involved in the make process of all aspects of film or tv production. I want to be adept at all parts of my interest and weigh in as much as possible on everything that i love.
No obviously, this isn't something you can train for. More practically for the immediate future i have to get a 2nd job, i have to save money, and i have to go to college and learn.
I have to take charge of my life entirely by myself. And despite the muddle of the past year, and my lower mood during my recent blogging gap, i feel i have to express myself, i have to control my fate, and i have to live my life as it comes.
I just worked 2 days in a row. That's 100 euro. Straight away i had to give 20 to my dad for petrol costs and for 10 euro credit i desperately needed for my phone. I need more hours in my current job, and i also need a second job.
By August 5th i expect some CAO offers to come through. I have no idea what i am likely to get, but for the most part i'm convinced i will have to differ or decline them. I can't afford college again yet. My parents are not able to support me any further, and they are currently going through some aesthetic and cosmetic changes to the house and its gardens.
I have not talked to them about any of this. I haven't had a strong clue of what i'm going to do, or at least what i want to tell the parental units. For the most part i avoid conversations with them, i don't want to fight.
The most recent issue is that i just passed my road theory test. At my own expense, one weeks wages, and now i have entered into a sort of deal with my parents to get driving lessons. My Mother will fork out for my provisional license and i will pay for alternate lessons. However adding me to the insurance on any of the cars is next to impossible. It would cost 700E or so until the next policy change over date, or some such, and the in excess of 1,500 a year. Frankly that sounds like an insult, and money better spent on education or even supporting me if i decided to move out of the house and possibly avail of benefits, or live off 2 or 3 low pay jobs.
As well as the up coming CAO offers over the next month is an interview with Bellyfermot and their film course.
For this i need to prepare a portfolio of some kind. Including video work, 20 photos, Storyboards, screenplay drafts etc. I hope to work on this over the next month.
This is where my student film comes in. A documentary style thing of asking friends who volunteer their time, what they would think if they were to go to war, in space. And also other issue's specific to them and Irish youth.
This gives me an excuse to repair and plaster up a lot of my friendships that have been damaged over the past year, and also to rekindle old ties to school friends and so on.
On top of my portfolio commitments is the over barring stroke of good luck that is the chance to return to nursing. Thanks to the mother of all technical fuck ups i have a chance to do 2nd year, a third time. Now frankly i have reached the overwhelming consensus in my emotions that this would be the worst thing possible. That i do NOT want to be miserable in that course for another 3 years. That despite it being a steady career and allowing me to go anywhere i just could not commit to it. I would be so aware that i could repeat past mistakes that i would be miserable. I do not want it.
That and frankly as a peer group, beyond the friends i already have, i don't want to have to socialise with more nurses. They would all be THREE years younger, or more. This is a large stretch, and frankly its scary and alienating. Its hard enough to approach girls as a shy male as it is, but to have to return to the same situation that i have crashed and burned in again and again is just humiliating. I see nothing positive about choosing it.
My Friends and school mates are now all graduating/graduated recently. I however am nowhere further in the world than i could have been 4 years ago. I have bigger ideas, bigger aspirations and bigger dream than where i have ended up.
For the most part emotionally and socially i am still a lost and confused teenager, at 22. I feel i have not reached artificial milestones inside my head, and frequently this bothers me. I am shy and closed in and find it hard to be assertive or to let loose or open up to new people. I also find it hard to be heard, or to have anything interesting to say that i know will be heard. I'm a bundle of uncertainty.
However what i know i can be certain about is my love of Cinema. And my vast imagination that i have had to suppress and let only slip out slowly from time to time to distract myself from reality.
In the past few weeks i've taken to wasting even MORE time on the Internet, like the cyber-addict i am. Amongst that time wasting has been Switching wholesale to Tumblr as a blogging medium and means of dulling my brain, so i don't have to think about the outside world. Its damn near addictive, its twitter on crack for internet hipsters and fanboys/girls. Its not a bad place, but the time spent on it is. I really should unfollow some people, and post more meaningful stuff, but be restrained about it. I have also noticed that my twitter use has pretty much died off as a result. Yes there is auto shares and so on, but me actually expressing words and not video and photo, all but gone.
Shocking really. And it must all be rectified.
I am amongst the Job Aspirations, the saving of money, the life decisions, the social life, the portfolio etc, also hoping to make a stronger stab and maintaining my blogging, and web-presence.
Thus i am writing this, of course, and getting my self-narritive touch back. Also expect film and music reviews to come thick and fast and more often as i embrace my interests instead of self moaning, as has been a common theme of this here blog.
I may also take a stab at annotating, editing and improving the links and narrative of older posts. I've hinted at this several times, but usually i have not. I've made stabs at guides and link lists and so on, but usually its all been half arsed. Hopefully i will be a better blogger. Spring cleaning is needed.
Another issue which i especially felt today, is that i am lonely. I know i need my better stab at a social life and so on but i really do feel that i am starting to really feel the need to be with someone, to have a significant other. I know i am going to be VERY busy over the coming months, but i really am lonely. I have urges not only of the sexual kind but also to share my time with someone. Ye know to really love someone, and to be loved. I'm not even sure if i have ever been in love. The whole PG thing was hormones reaching an impasse where to two of us had to hook up and explore ourselves in order to survive as young adults, as for love, i don't know if it was there.
Then my fling in January? I was so ALONE that the only strong friend i had made in Australia was a release. A threesome and then being part of cheating, wasn't exactly the most normal way of going about anything like that, but i needed someone to be with, and for the week i was leaving, it was exactly what i needed. The following "trouble" was sort of insulting, it was no slight on anyone else, i NEED to be me. I need to live my life and make my own mistakes. I needed to feel something other than pure sadness and loneliness. I was on the edge of screaming. Stuck with an unfamiliar sister in an alien country 11,000 miles from what tenuous friendships i had was hell. And with my parents dragging me home because i was living exactly the same as at home, with no one, not even myself, believing that i could find work. It was Utterly shit. And frankly i don't regret my personal actions, i needed a friend, and i needed a good "root".
But despite how busy i know i have to make myself this month, i am raring to go. I want to embrace it all. I want to document it, i want to share what it is like to be me via this blog as i have in the past, and i want to develop and become the person i want to be.
I have the side urge of wanting a physical person to share this with, beyond friendships, but realistically i don't know if i can also attain this. I probably am still not "ready" for it, but then again, can you be ready for "love" or even the lust i so desperately want to quench. Despite not being fully interested in more promiscuous or impersonal aspects of some of modern youths sexual practice's and courting methods, i to want to get my rocks off. I don't see the full appeal of one night stands or constant flings. For the most part i want Relationships. At the same time my body wants to have its way with many attractive women, but my emotions want someone to talk to and share things with all at the same time. I don't want to separate them. I want a partner in life/crime/love etc, purely sex isn't as appealing to me.
I'd rather the affirmation of a relationship, than the gratification of a one night stand.
Its the one thing of over the next month i am still uncertain about.
Bring it on regardless.
So we're in august 2010. We're so far in the future that we have surpassed Lisa Simpsons wedding.
Evidence:
Honestly at no fixed point in time did i have any idea what i would be doing with my life in the future.
One fantasy that remained was that i wanted to be a film director or writer. Recently it has molded into the idea that i want to be a "cineauteur". Which means i want to be involved in the make process of all aspects of film or tv production. I want to be adept at all parts of my interest and weigh in as much as possible on everything that i love.
No obviously, this isn't something you can train for. More practically for the immediate future i have to get a 2nd job, i have to save money, and i have to go to college and learn.
I have to take charge of my life entirely by myself. And despite the muddle of the past year, and my lower mood during my recent blogging gap, i feel i have to express myself, i have to control my fate, and i have to live my life as it comes.
I just worked 2 days in a row. That's 100 euro. Straight away i had to give 20 to my dad for petrol costs and for 10 euro credit i desperately needed for my phone. I need more hours in my current job, and i also need a second job.
By August 5th i expect some CAO offers to come through. I have no idea what i am likely to get, but for the most part i'm convinced i will have to differ or decline them. I can't afford college again yet. My parents are not able to support me any further, and they are currently going through some aesthetic and cosmetic changes to the house and its gardens.
I have not talked to them about any of this. I haven't had a strong clue of what i'm going to do, or at least what i want to tell the parental units. For the most part i avoid conversations with them, i don't want to fight.
The most recent issue is that i just passed my road theory test. At my own expense, one weeks wages, and now i have entered into a sort of deal with my parents to get driving lessons. My Mother will fork out for my provisional license and i will pay for alternate lessons. However adding me to the insurance on any of the cars is next to impossible. It would cost 700E or so until the next policy change over date, or some such, and the in excess of 1,500 a year. Frankly that sounds like an insult, and money better spent on education or even supporting me if i decided to move out of the house and possibly avail of benefits, or live off 2 or 3 low pay jobs.
As well as the up coming CAO offers over the next month is an interview with Bellyfermot and their film course.
For this i need to prepare a portfolio of some kind. Including video work, 20 photos, Storyboards, screenplay drafts etc. I hope to work on this over the next month.
This is where my student film comes in. A documentary style thing of asking friends who volunteer their time, what they would think if they were to go to war, in space. And also other issue's specific to them and Irish youth.
This gives me an excuse to repair and plaster up a lot of my friendships that have been damaged over the past year, and also to rekindle old ties to school friends and so on.
On top of my portfolio commitments is the over barring stroke of good luck that is the chance to return to nursing. Thanks to the mother of all technical fuck ups i have a chance to do 2nd year, a third time. Now frankly i have reached the overwhelming consensus in my emotions that this would be the worst thing possible. That i do NOT want to be miserable in that course for another 3 years. That despite it being a steady career and allowing me to go anywhere i just could not commit to it. I would be so aware that i could repeat past mistakes that i would be miserable. I do not want it.
That and frankly as a peer group, beyond the friends i already have, i don't want to have to socialise with more nurses. They would all be THREE years younger, or more. This is a large stretch, and frankly its scary and alienating. Its hard enough to approach girls as a shy male as it is, but to have to return to the same situation that i have crashed and burned in again and again is just humiliating. I see nothing positive about choosing it.
My Friends and school mates are now all graduating/graduated recently. I however am nowhere further in the world than i could have been 4 years ago. I have bigger ideas, bigger aspirations and bigger dream than where i have ended up.
For the most part emotionally and socially i am still a lost and confused teenager, at 22. I feel i have not reached artificial milestones inside my head, and frequently this bothers me. I am shy and closed in and find it hard to be assertive or to let loose or open up to new people. I also find it hard to be heard, or to have anything interesting to say that i know will be heard. I'm a bundle of uncertainty.
However what i know i can be certain about is my love of Cinema. And my vast imagination that i have had to suppress and let only slip out slowly from time to time to distract myself from reality.
In the past few weeks i've taken to wasting even MORE time on the Internet, like the cyber-addict i am. Amongst that time wasting has been Switching wholesale to Tumblr as a blogging medium and means of dulling my brain, so i don't have to think about the outside world. Its damn near addictive, its twitter on crack for internet hipsters and fanboys/girls. Its not a bad place, but the time spent on it is. I really should unfollow some people, and post more meaningful stuff, but be restrained about it. I have also noticed that my twitter use has pretty much died off as a result. Yes there is auto shares and so on, but me actually expressing words and not video and photo, all but gone.
Shocking really. And it must all be rectified.
I am amongst the Job Aspirations, the saving of money, the life decisions, the social life, the portfolio etc, also hoping to make a stronger stab and maintaining my blogging, and web-presence.
Thus i am writing this, of course, and getting my self-narritive touch back. Also expect film and music reviews to come thick and fast and more often as i embrace my interests instead of self moaning, as has been a common theme of this here blog.
I may also take a stab at annotating, editing and improving the links and narrative of older posts. I've hinted at this several times, but usually i have not. I've made stabs at guides and link lists and so on, but usually its all been half arsed. Hopefully i will be a better blogger. Spring cleaning is needed.
Another issue which i especially felt today, is that i am lonely. I know i need my better stab at a social life and so on but i really do feel that i am starting to really feel the need to be with someone, to have a significant other. I know i am going to be VERY busy over the coming months, but i really am lonely. I have urges not only of the sexual kind but also to share my time with someone. Ye know to really love someone, and to be loved. I'm not even sure if i have ever been in love. The whole PG thing was hormones reaching an impasse where to two of us had to hook up and explore ourselves in order to survive as young adults, as for love, i don't know if it was there.
Then my fling in January? I was so ALONE that the only strong friend i had made in Australia was a release. A threesome and then being part of cheating, wasn't exactly the most normal way of going about anything like that, but i needed someone to be with, and for the week i was leaving, it was exactly what i needed. The following "trouble" was sort of insulting, it was no slight on anyone else, i NEED to be me. I need to live my life and make my own mistakes. I needed to feel something other than pure sadness and loneliness. I was on the edge of screaming. Stuck with an unfamiliar sister in an alien country 11,000 miles from what tenuous friendships i had was hell. And with my parents dragging me home because i was living exactly the same as at home, with no one, not even myself, believing that i could find work. It was Utterly shit. And frankly i don't regret my personal actions, i needed a friend, and i needed a good "root".
But despite how busy i know i have to make myself this month, i am raring to go. I want to embrace it all. I want to document it, i want to share what it is like to be me via this blog as i have in the past, and i want to develop and become the person i want to be.
I have the side urge of wanting a physical person to share this with, beyond friendships, but realistically i don't know if i can also attain this. I probably am still not "ready" for it, but then again, can you be ready for "love" or even the lust i so desperately want to quench. Despite not being fully interested in more promiscuous or impersonal aspects of some of modern youths sexual practice's and courting methods, i to want to get my rocks off. I don't see the full appeal of one night stands or constant flings. For the most part i want Relationships. At the same time my body wants to have its way with many attractive women, but my emotions want someone to talk to and share things with all at the same time. I don't want to separate them. I want a partner in life/crime/love etc, purely sex isn't as appealing to me.
I'd rather the affirmation of a relationship, than the gratification of a one night stand.
Its the one thing of over the next month i am still uncertain about.
Bring it on regardless.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Passin' through the Hood.
Yet another counselor day.
I want talk much about all that cause, its usually more of a downer and not much of a story.
Instead i will regale you many a tale of hoods and keepin' it real.
I started my day in the big smoke in an internet cafe. A 24 hour joint that serves coffee, slots and slow bandwith. The sky was grey but the morning had started dry and warm, the mere illusion of summer had tourists, commuters, and hot hipster chicks dressed down, despite the slow creep of cold.
After betraying my lo-fi hommies and PC-die hardz i opted to use Safari on the ailing mediocre XP machine i paid the big coin for. Compared to IE and old bulky copies of the fox, surprisingly i got some usability out of safari. It did the job i wanted at seeds that wouldn't lead to alopecia.
After surfing my turf and representing my web presence i opened up the games chest of this communal restroom of a computer. Low and behold a game the other computers rarely had, GTA San Andreas. What was even better was this sucka had sound! My crack whore of a copy could only give me the animalistic basics, no dialogue or radio. So i was stoked to finally play with the big stuff, the semi-real deal.
I busted caps, pulled wheelies, tagged my mark on the hood and lived it up in 1992 for a good 50 minutes. It was good hommies, it was good.
Then off in the almost rain. A spot here or there but unbroken cloud. I popped my head into phone shops and other haunts of interest. I tempted myself with gadgets and gizmo's, shopgirls and salted popcorn.
But it was time for the Luas.
So i went down the O'C and onto Lower Broadway. A vagrant hung at the edge of the ticket machines and i slipped him my change, only 70 cent, but one step closer to the coffee that will compliment the lack of food on top of Benzo's to offset the kick of Methadone or crack or even another lost peripheral vein to Heroin and shared needle's. Or maybe just a McCoffee or tin of turpentine...
I rode all the way out to Tallaght-fornia. I had wage's burning a hole in my pocket and i was overcome with thoughts of spending my dough on an INQ Chat, if i could haggle down to less than 99, but that was unlikely. I however spotted the PC world on the top floor and remembered that they had those small HD handheld camera's that bloggers and journo's love oh-so-much. The cheapest price's as i remembered were usually good.
To my dismay they were gone. The entire shelf was empty, even the security tags and magnets were gone. An empty white shelf. The most prominent camcorders started at 130 or so, ie fuck that shit.
Several employee's mopped about the store, all lost and helpless. I didn't get any of their attention, i usually avoid them. But i had questions, and was looking for something specific. I noticed the cute blond who seemed to be patrolling the camera area. At one point she had picked up a mini-SLR shaped one and gawked at it with childish wonderment.
I then spotted it. In a glass case beside where the old candybar HD narcisism machines had been. A 60 euro sleek black camcorder, minimal specs, but 60 euro. Beside it the last remaining HD youtube makers, all twice the price and somewhat more ridiculous looking than the normal members of their ilk. I was intrigued, 60 euro you say!
But no shop assistant had approached, and i was still loosely mulling over the calculations of how i could afford such a thing. I know i needed a camera, for my amateur film idea, and this one spoke to me. If it could speak it would say, "Buy me, Use me, Adore Me, make magic! But eh, don't use me for certain kinds of home movies..."
By-joe it was right, i must make magic.
But by this time i had descending to go and look at the INQ Chat, it's been calling me for months, it wants my thumbs so it does. But 99 euro was still to far, and i wasn't willing to haggle. No it had to be the camera!
I returned, teaser displays of Inception playing in unison beside me on the Lazy-o-later. Can't wait for that mind fuck...
I stood at the case, i pined, i weeped, i wasn't going to perish but damn it i wanted to purchase! (Joesph Gordon-Levitt Reference btw)
I stood in its beautiful beckoning presence for a minute or two. I also had watched the shy and patrolling retail Sentry of the cute blond. She attended to a Mac Pro's iTunes playlist from time to time and then a familiar album artwork was up next, and i was sold.
30 Seconds too Mars (A beautiful lie) rang out as i beckoned her over and asked if they had the camera in stock. He muted and quiet replies were hard to hear, despite a quiet store and moderate sounds of Progressive brilliance emanating from the very machine i loath. She looked at the number and went off to a computer to check. She and said it was in stock, oh joy. She then muttered more that i barely heard but i gathered that my answer should be to a question i wasn't even sure was asked. Yes i want to buy it.
I followed her to another employee' she was looking for keys. To what i wasn't sure. Then she went somewhere else and i briefly waited before turning back and looking at an upper range camera while in my forward periphery she opened the case and retrieved the soon to be mine camera.
I approached her and took it from her hand as she gestured it to me. Then more soft spoken words about memory cards. I have plenty at home, but now she was making a sales pitch. I followed along. She showed me to the cheaper ones and annoyingly the 4gbs were only 15 euro, but all gone. So i was left with 2GB for 13, my kingdom for anything more than 2GB, every fucking card i have is 2GB!
To the sales desk!
She asked for my name to put on the Receipt/warranty. I gave it in full, but she only needed the initial and my last name. She then typed my last name and asked if she had spelt it right in a soft way, i simply reached out and punched in the K to make it a real name. She smiled a little.
Then another sales pitch, 3 year warranty for an extra 20 euro. Multiple replacements at no extra cost no mater what the fault or cause. It was damn promising. But i had to think. Eh... my wallet won't like me. How will i live, even if i am accident prowen and could break the speed of light if i wasn't paying attention, could i pay that little extra...
I seemed to think to long, i was also starng back and forth between the blue strips of paper barely jutting from my wallet and her face, then her name badge, then she sold some more. But i was to skeptical, it was buttons, but not now, i can be extra careful.
She then passed me onto the cashier girl. Who also asked was there any 4 GB cards, and even went a brief hunt for one, alas no cigar.
My receipt was my 1 year warranty and i could apparently return anytime for the 3 year one. Hmm, i'll keep that in mind. By this stage the cute/shy blond had switch from 30 Seconds to Mars's most recent album(This Is War), and it was Kings and Queens straight away. Swoon.
Back on the Luas.
As i walked back to the Tram stop, the next one was pulling out of the shunting area and up beside me.
Ahead of me a group of younger rock chick type girls were walking up to the pay station. They didn't seem to be the sort of people you would stereotypically and prejudicially expect to see in Tallaght. A few had vibrant dyed hair colours, and i could read the grey hoody of the one closest to me which read " Tegan _ Sainthood_ Sara". This connection and the fact she was attractive put me at some ease. Further along this gaggle of younglings another girl was wearing a bluer grey hoody with a Triangle Shape with a line in it. It looked familiar, i think it may be associated with 30 Seconds to Mars's self titled first album.
I passed them and sat at the very front of the Tram, in order to get a head start at my stop and hopefully use the Tram as a means to cross a busy intersection and guard me from the traffic.
Behind me sat some very, ahem, obvious locale's.
They sat across the aisle from each other both tacking up 4 seats each and putting their feet up. The one directly behind me took out his phone and started playing music.
"ooohh aye, i just died in the road to-noite! Ye know this song, feckin' classic man."
Oh here it goes i thought, and it did.
The song continued to blare from what i colloquial call a knacker-speaker, that many phones, even mine, have. I relatively poor quality loud and sparkly form of Audio supply that really must be a pet peeve of Hi-Fi buffs and vinyl fanatics. (on a side note the one on my INQ is great, clearest i know of, no not my usual plug of INQ....just a fact and tip)
"Have you seen "Joe" (name change on purpose, for later obvious reason's) about lately."
"Joe? He's back in de locke upp, last i herd."
"The locke up, wasn't he out on satur-day, or on remand or sumt-in?"
"Oh Joe Blogs, Joe Smyth is in locke upp, Joe Blogs is fuckin' eejit anyways. Give Mickey a blow there"
"Hey do ye know this one, 'ooooohh, I, I just Died in the road Tonight.' "
"Hahah ye made eejit!"
"Yo, ha, ye know that one, ye anyways, i herd you had a fifth on ye, where are we meetin' ya laters, what, what, are ye there? Fecker hung up."
"Ah he's always doin' that he's a sciving fucker.
'ooooh, aye.....'
Ah will you stop that, i'll feckin' sciv ya. Scivy-sciv-sciv!"
And on it went.
I then went to the cinema and saw Brooklyn's Finest.
A rather good movie that came here a lot later than it's stateside release.
It was really good, some great gritty stuff.
Ethan Hawke played a Catholic narc cop (Training Day...) who kill's a CI in the first scene in order to get money for his family. His house has mould, his wife has asthma and an associated infection while pregnant with twins. They already have 4 kids. So effectively he has it feckin' rough, but ye know, "Every Sperm is Sacred".
Don Cheadle play's a DEEP Undercover in the Projects in Brooklyn. This Cat is rockin' the bling and dealin' the dope etc But he's also a bit lenient and community friendly, makin' sure his dealers make their Court Dates and get good lawyers etc He also has to check-in with his handler who promise's him a promotion and an end soon enough. He get's propositioned by yer wan from the Closer, playing an FBI Uber-feminist aiming to become Head of New York or President, i'm not sure which. She want's Don to Set up Wesley Snipes to go down even further and take out the whole operation. But Cheadle feel's for him, He's taxes to pay, he needs more screen time, and Blade Trinity wasn't that bad...
Richard Gere play's a hard ass old cop 7 day's from Retirement. He drinks Irish Whiskey just to wake up, he's bullied by the more Brotherhood type cops who want to weed out the weak links. He brushes it all off, he's waiting for his Pention. Treating "The Job" one day at a Time, instead of his alcoholism. He get's stiffed with a Young Recruit as part of Publicity. The Recruit was a former Marine, Not even born When Gere started as a cop, 8 028 days ago. (7 days short of 2 years) They don't get on and he gets transferred. Gere seeks his only reprieve from a whore and witness local scum but does nothing. The Rookie ends up dead, and then Gere Notice's a girl he saw being ruffed about by the scum is a missing girl. However Gere's seven days are slow, like most of the pacing of his segments, they take a 3rd seat to the other plots.
Gere get's another Recruit, who screws up, and theres some sick politics he won't play along with, because he's got his pension coming. He has Retirement, no more days on the job. He trys to take the blame for it, he knew it wasn't going to work, the Board and Politician's wanted to make it out the civilian affected had Priors and drugs (which he did) and that the fuck up was justified. No dice. Gere want's to wallow in his own misery.
Overall despite taking what seems like less screen Time, Gere has an almost better movie. He eventually goes all Taxi driver in the Denouement. And even gets the last seconds of screen time.
Ethan Hawke ends up being a comedic sketch from Monty Pythons the Meaning of Life. Catholic woe etc. He tries to steal drug money to survive and makes loads of mistakes.
Don Cheadle basically recreates the over-all theme of The Wire, and Try's to save Wesley Snipes Film Career, but it's too late. The movie had to fuck it all up and pop a cap in most of the African Characters collective asses....
I want talk much about all that cause, its usually more of a downer and not much of a story.
Instead i will regale you many a tale of hoods and keepin' it real.
I started my day in the big smoke in an internet cafe. A 24 hour joint that serves coffee, slots and slow bandwith. The sky was grey but the morning had started dry and warm, the mere illusion of summer had tourists, commuters, and hot hipster chicks dressed down, despite the slow creep of cold.
After betraying my lo-fi hommies and PC-die hardz i opted to use Safari on the ailing mediocre XP machine i paid the big coin for. Compared to IE and old bulky copies of the fox, surprisingly i got some usability out of safari. It did the job i wanted at seeds that wouldn't lead to alopecia.
After surfing my turf and representing my web presence i opened up the games chest of this communal restroom of a computer. Low and behold a game the other computers rarely had, GTA San Andreas. What was even better was this sucka had sound! My crack whore of a copy could only give me the animalistic basics, no dialogue or radio. So i was stoked to finally play with the big stuff, the semi-real deal.
I busted caps, pulled wheelies, tagged my mark on the hood and lived it up in 1992 for a good 50 minutes. It was good hommies, it was good.
Then off in the almost rain. A spot here or there but unbroken cloud. I popped my head into phone shops and other haunts of interest. I tempted myself with gadgets and gizmo's, shopgirls and salted popcorn.
But it was time for the Luas.
So i went down the O'C and onto Lower Broadway. A vagrant hung at the edge of the ticket machines and i slipped him my change, only 70 cent, but one step closer to the coffee that will compliment the lack of food on top of Benzo's to offset the kick of Methadone or crack or even another lost peripheral vein to Heroin and shared needle's. Or maybe just a McCoffee or tin of turpentine...
I rode all the way out to Tallaght-fornia. I had wage's burning a hole in my pocket and i was overcome with thoughts of spending my dough on an INQ Chat, if i could haggle down to less than 99, but that was unlikely. I however spotted the PC world on the top floor and remembered that they had those small HD handheld camera's that bloggers and journo's love oh-so-much. The cheapest price's as i remembered were usually good.
To my dismay they were gone. The entire shelf was empty, even the security tags and magnets were gone. An empty white shelf. The most prominent camcorders started at 130 or so, ie fuck that shit.
Several employee's mopped about the store, all lost and helpless. I didn't get any of their attention, i usually avoid them. But i had questions, and was looking for something specific. I noticed the cute blond who seemed to be patrolling the camera area. At one point she had picked up a mini-SLR shaped one and gawked at it with childish wonderment.
I then spotted it. In a glass case beside where the old candybar HD narcisism machines had been. A 60 euro sleek black camcorder, minimal specs, but 60 euro. Beside it the last remaining HD youtube makers, all twice the price and somewhat more ridiculous looking than the normal members of their ilk. I was intrigued, 60 euro you say!
But no shop assistant had approached, and i was still loosely mulling over the calculations of how i could afford such a thing. I know i needed a camera, for my amateur film idea, and this one spoke to me. If it could speak it would say, "Buy me, Use me, Adore Me, make magic! But eh, don't use me for certain kinds of home movies..."
By-joe it was right, i must make magic.
But by this time i had descending to go and look at the INQ Chat, it's been calling me for months, it wants my thumbs so it does. But 99 euro was still to far, and i wasn't willing to haggle. No it had to be the camera!
I returned, teaser displays of Inception playing in unison beside me on the Lazy-o-later. Can't wait for that mind fuck...
I stood at the case, i pined, i weeped, i wasn't going to perish but damn it i wanted to purchase! (Joesph Gordon-Levitt Reference btw)
I stood in its beautiful beckoning presence for a minute or two. I also had watched the shy and patrolling retail Sentry of the cute blond. She attended to a Mac Pro's iTunes playlist from time to time and then a familiar album artwork was up next, and i was sold.
30 Seconds too Mars (A beautiful lie) rang out as i beckoned her over and asked if they had the camera in stock. He muted and quiet replies were hard to hear, despite a quiet store and moderate sounds of Progressive brilliance emanating from the very machine i loath. She looked at the number and went off to a computer to check. She and said it was in stock, oh joy. She then muttered more that i barely heard but i gathered that my answer should be to a question i wasn't even sure was asked. Yes i want to buy it.
I followed her to another employee' she was looking for keys. To what i wasn't sure. Then she went somewhere else and i briefly waited before turning back and looking at an upper range camera while in my forward periphery she opened the case and retrieved the soon to be mine camera.
I approached her and took it from her hand as she gestured it to me. Then more soft spoken words about memory cards. I have plenty at home, but now she was making a sales pitch. I followed along. She showed me to the cheaper ones and annoyingly the 4gbs were only 15 euro, but all gone. So i was left with 2GB for 13, my kingdom for anything more than 2GB, every fucking card i have is 2GB!
To the sales desk!
She asked for my name to put on the Receipt/warranty. I gave it in full, but she only needed the initial and my last name. She then typed my last name and asked if she had spelt it right in a soft way, i simply reached out and punched in the K to make it a real name. She smiled a little.
Then another sales pitch, 3 year warranty for an extra 20 euro. Multiple replacements at no extra cost no mater what the fault or cause. It was damn promising. But i had to think. Eh... my wallet won't like me. How will i live, even if i am accident prowen and could break the speed of light if i wasn't paying attention, could i pay that little extra...
I seemed to think to long, i was also starng back and forth between the blue strips of paper barely jutting from my wallet and her face, then her name badge, then she sold some more. But i was to skeptical, it was buttons, but not now, i can be extra careful.
She then passed me onto the cashier girl. Who also asked was there any 4 GB cards, and even went a brief hunt for one, alas no cigar.
My receipt was my 1 year warranty and i could apparently return anytime for the 3 year one. Hmm, i'll keep that in mind. By this stage the cute/shy blond had switch from 30 Seconds to Mars's most recent album(This Is War), and it was Kings and Queens straight away. Swoon.
Back on the Luas.
As i walked back to the Tram stop, the next one was pulling out of the shunting area and up beside me.
Ahead of me a group of younger rock chick type girls were walking up to the pay station. They didn't seem to be the sort of people you would stereotypically and prejudicially expect to see in Tallaght. A few had vibrant dyed hair colours, and i could read the grey hoody of the one closest to me which read " Tegan _ Sainthood_ Sara". This connection and the fact she was attractive put me at some ease. Further along this gaggle of younglings another girl was wearing a bluer grey hoody with a Triangle Shape with a line in it. It looked familiar, i think it may be associated with 30 Seconds to Mars's self titled first album.
I passed them and sat at the very front of the Tram, in order to get a head start at my stop and hopefully use the Tram as a means to cross a busy intersection and guard me from the traffic.
Behind me sat some very, ahem, obvious locale's.
They sat across the aisle from each other both tacking up 4 seats each and putting their feet up. The one directly behind me took out his phone and started playing music.
"ooohh aye, i just died in the road to-noite! Ye know this song, feckin' classic man."
Oh here it goes i thought, and it did.
The song continued to blare from what i colloquial call a knacker-speaker, that many phones, even mine, have. I relatively poor quality loud and sparkly form of Audio supply that really must be a pet peeve of Hi-Fi buffs and vinyl fanatics. (on a side note the one on my INQ is great, clearest i know of, no not my usual plug of INQ....just a fact and tip)
"Have you seen "Joe" (name change on purpose, for later obvious reason's) about lately."
"Joe? He's back in de locke upp, last i herd."
"The locke up, wasn't he out on satur-day, or on remand or sumt-in?"
"Oh Joe Blogs, Joe Smyth is in locke upp, Joe Blogs is fuckin' eejit anyways. Give Mickey a blow there"
"Hey do ye know this one, 'ooooohh, I, I just Died in the road Tonight.' "
"Hahah ye made eejit!"
"Yo, ha, ye know that one, ye anyways, i herd you had a fifth on ye, where are we meetin' ya laters, what, what, are ye there? Fecker hung up."
"Ah he's always doin' that he's a sciving fucker.
'ooooh, aye.....'
Ah will you stop that, i'll feckin' sciv ya. Scivy-sciv-sciv!"
And on it went.
I then went to the cinema and saw Brooklyn's Finest.
A rather good movie that came here a lot later than it's stateside release.
It was really good, some great gritty stuff.
Ethan Hawke played a Catholic narc cop (Training Day...) who kill's a CI in the first scene in order to get money for his family. His house has mould, his wife has asthma and an associated infection while pregnant with twins. They already have 4 kids. So effectively he has it feckin' rough, but ye know, "Every Sperm is Sacred".
Don Cheadle play's a DEEP Undercover in the Projects in Brooklyn. This Cat is rockin' the bling and dealin' the dope etc But he's also a bit lenient and community friendly, makin' sure his dealers make their Court Dates and get good lawyers etc He also has to check-in with his handler who promise's him a promotion and an end soon enough. He get's propositioned by yer wan from the Closer, playing an FBI Uber-feminist aiming to become Head of New York or President, i'm not sure which. She want's Don to Set up Wesley Snipes to go down even further and take out the whole operation. But Cheadle feel's for him, He's taxes to pay, he needs more screen time, and Blade Trinity wasn't that bad...
Richard Gere play's a hard ass old cop 7 day's from Retirement. He drinks Irish Whiskey just to wake up, he's bullied by the more Brotherhood type cops who want to weed out the weak links. He brushes it all off, he's waiting for his Pention. Treating "The Job" one day at a Time, instead of his alcoholism. He get's stiffed with a Young Recruit as part of Publicity. The Recruit was a former Marine, Not even born When Gere started as a cop, 8 028 days ago. (7 days short of 2 years) They don't get on and he gets transferred. Gere seeks his only reprieve from a whore and witness local scum but does nothing. The Rookie ends up dead, and then Gere Notice's a girl he saw being ruffed about by the scum is a missing girl. However Gere's seven days are slow, like most of the pacing of his segments, they take a 3rd seat to the other plots.
Gere get's another Recruit, who screws up, and theres some sick politics he won't play along with, because he's got his pension coming. He has Retirement, no more days on the job. He trys to take the blame for it, he knew it wasn't going to work, the Board and Politician's wanted to make it out the civilian affected had Priors and drugs (which he did) and that the fuck up was justified. No dice. Gere want's to wallow in his own misery.
Overall despite taking what seems like less screen Time, Gere has an almost better movie. He eventually goes all Taxi driver in the Denouement. And even gets the last seconds of screen time.
Ethan Hawke ends up being a comedic sketch from Monty Pythons the Meaning of Life. Catholic woe etc. He tries to steal drug money to survive and makes loads of mistakes.
Don Cheadle basically recreates the over-all theme of The Wire, and Try's to save Wesley Snipes Film Career, but it's too late. The movie had to fuck it all up and pop a cap in most of the African Characters collective asses....
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
a day of networking and free books, plus some catch up...
Well how could i not mention what i have been up to lately.
In regard to college, i may have briefly mentioned that when i went to get a form signed for applying for the dole, the wise people of Trinity told me i was down as off books.
A few weeks later i got around to calling my tutor and i saw her last friday.
It turns out the mother of all technical fuck ups happened. A computer input error of some kind means that i now have a 3rd chance to do 2nd year, providing i can pay the fee's.
I don't have to decide anything until September, but still its one hell of a fleuk-y jammy chance.
Before i am due to go back i am also going to be recieving my CAO results. We can't afford paying for 2 whole years of another course compared to just 1 of nursing before my other free fee's kick in, so this may or may not be mute. But i don't have to decide until then.
So on Friday, as well as phonning my parents, and going to the carreers office in Trinity to book an appointment i also went to a debate for the laugh. See old friends etc etc
Well it didnt exactly go as i'd hope, infact i was so out of the loop so to speak that i barely talked to anyone i knew and very little to stay. I sort of latched onto some people i barely knew and had just met but even then i wasn't exactly dazzling people with verbal calistenics and trope's, meme's, anecdote's and banter. No mainly i was pretty mute.
By the time the rather good debate was over i couldnt really see anyone i had anything to say to in the crowd, and it was A CROWD. I sort of got negative thoughts, a but panic-y and just left.
In other news i joined up with a Exchange Dublin and am now volunteering for them, and hope to get involved in a few of their groups and projects in the near future.
I was actually there today, on my first "shift" watching the place and meeting people from 3 til 7.
It effectively is a meeting place, of people and idea's and frankly as one guy said to me, it's far better than sitting in the house not meeting people and not talking to them about things.
Not only will helping out one day a week be great fun, with free tea, if i drank tea, but also wi-fi/ a linux computer at the front desk to toy with. New friends and connections to be made and the art/drama/photography/poetry and shared dvds and youtube findings of Dublin and even the worlds aspiring young adults and bohemian layabouts.
I discussed everything from the futility of a must see movies book, the amazing trips you can have stoned on european railway's, helped a cyclist with some bruised ribs while a german tourist got scared away from the bizzare gallery we crazy irish were in, recieve advise on the "proper" conduct when applying for the dole and i also rumaged through Oxfam's Rubbish in order to score free books that were being thrown out. I could have gotten more, but it was cold, i didnt know when the truck would be there and my Hugo boss bag is not the property of Merry Popins, ie it has a spacial limit.
All in all it was a good day slash weekend. For the foreseeable future i will have to start looking for work, hand in those belated forms to the social welfare office. Study drivers theory test, read all my new film themed books that i was slowly buying with food money while my parents were away, and maybe even start my own amateur film's?
I'm also cotemplating returning interest in The Society and running for election in order to be "active" in college and get on certain people's good side's if intend to return to Nursing, maybe even do schols or try and get a room on campus in 3rd and 4th year??? Somewhere in a paralel universe i may do just that, and more.
Who know's. Oh and of course, blog more often, how could i leave that out?
In regard to college, i may have briefly mentioned that when i went to get a form signed for applying for the dole, the wise people of Trinity told me i was down as off books.
A few weeks later i got around to calling my tutor and i saw her last friday.
It turns out the mother of all technical fuck ups happened. A computer input error of some kind means that i now have a 3rd chance to do 2nd year, providing i can pay the fee's.
I don't have to decide anything until September, but still its one hell of a fleuk-y jammy chance.
Before i am due to go back i am also going to be recieving my CAO results. We can't afford paying for 2 whole years of another course compared to just 1 of nursing before my other free fee's kick in, so this may or may not be mute. But i don't have to decide until then.
So on Friday, as well as phonning my parents, and going to the carreers office in Trinity to book an appointment i also went to a debate for the laugh. See old friends etc etc
Well it didnt exactly go as i'd hope, infact i was so out of the loop so to speak that i barely talked to anyone i knew and very little to stay. I sort of latched onto some people i barely knew and had just met but even then i wasn't exactly dazzling people with verbal calistenics and trope's, meme's, anecdote's and banter. No mainly i was pretty mute.
By the time the rather good debate was over i couldnt really see anyone i had anything to say to in the crowd, and it was A CROWD. I sort of got negative thoughts, a but panic-y and just left.
In other news i joined up with a Exchange Dublin and am now volunteering for them, and hope to get involved in a few of their groups and projects in the near future.
I was actually there today, on my first "shift" watching the place and meeting people from 3 til 7.
It effectively is a meeting place, of people and idea's and frankly as one guy said to me, it's far better than sitting in the house not meeting people and not talking to them about things.
Not only will helping out one day a week be great fun, with free tea, if i drank tea, but also wi-fi/ a linux computer at the front desk to toy with. New friends and connections to be made and the art/drama/photography/poetry and shared dvds and youtube findings of Dublin and even the worlds aspiring young adults and bohemian layabouts.
I discussed everything from the futility of a must see movies book, the amazing trips you can have stoned on european railway's, helped a cyclist with some bruised ribs while a german tourist got scared away from the bizzare gallery we crazy irish were in, recieve advise on the "proper" conduct when applying for the dole and i also rumaged through Oxfam's Rubbish in order to score free books that were being thrown out. I could have gotten more, but it was cold, i didnt know when the truck would be there and my Hugo boss bag is not the property of Merry Popins, ie it has a spacial limit.
All in all it was a good day slash weekend. For the foreseeable future i will have to start looking for work, hand in those belated forms to the social welfare office. Study drivers theory test, read all my new film themed books that i was slowly buying with food money while my parents were away, and maybe even start my own amateur film's?
I'm also cotemplating returning interest in The Society and running for election in order to be "active" in college and get on certain people's good side's if intend to return to Nursing, maybe even do schols or try and get a room on campus in 3rd and 4th year??? Somewhere in a paralel universe i may do just that, and more.
Who know's. Oh and of course, blog more often, how could i leave that out?
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Adventure's at home with the family...
Things are all quiet here at home. Well i say quiet, i really mean chaotic but homely. The past few days feel more like a week or longer.
It's not a bad thing, but it's confusing.
My sister is home and she's already settled in.
There's Diet coke can's everywhere. Wine bottle's empty quickly. A supply of beer only lasted a day. And the dishwasher fill's far faster. But that could be to do with the group of friends she had up, but still, that's a fuck load of washing!
What to write, oh what to write:
I tried to start writing yet another one of my story idea's. After a few minute's screaming at the Font feature's on Google Doc's i finally started tapping some words out. But they just pissed me off.
All show, and no tell. If anything it was Masterbatory. All look at me i have this universe and idea's and i can shove these layered characters in off the top of my head as i write, aren't i great, isn't this all sounding so cool, aren't i just the best. Eh no, not really.
I should be telling a story. I have yet to find that story. I do have a universe, a premise, characters i centre it all on and problems and dilema's and settings and so on. But a narritive.... Not yet.
I have no start, no catalysts, nothing at all yet. I really just hated what i started.
It was a list of the family involved and the setting. Not a story in sight. Great writing that.
Oh by the way, the quote "All art is Mastabatory" is possibly the best line i've read all year. It's from "How i payed for College by Marc Acito and i have to say i love that book.
And the fact i read it just before Glee started make's it even better in my eyes.
They say Write what you know, and about what you love. Most of my idea's so far are sci-fi or there abouts.
Well what i know is my life. Hence the blogging, obviously. But what i love to read is Diary type comedy-drama books!
Or at least it's all i have read in any great depth.
Andrian Mole
Ross O'Carol Kelly
and to some extent How i Payed for College.
All comdey-drama's and so on. And i love them. They're a type of book i love. And why i have yet to come up with a story, other than my own life, for such a book myself escapes me.
I've imagined tv-shows based on my high school life or college life all as sample's of Irish culture or of the Male psyche/ mental health. But i have yet to do anything about that. Maybe i should.
Why write about Pirates and keeping a secret for the greater good, or a kid whose imagination creates real worlds to help deal with his own, when i can Write about MEEEEEEE!!!
Hmm, i'll try that some time maybe?
Friendships and the long goodbye.
So i'm going to Australia.
I leave on the 20th.
My going away party is this friday, yes the 13th, but i don't think that's a bad thing.
I considered weighing it up and organising and other things.
But instead i said fuck it and sent out a Facebook evite to all my friends and other such people and did it anyway.
So i'll see them all on Friday and say good bye.
I may also hold a smaller doo here at home on Saturday. My mother kept mentioning it, but the logistics are confusing! And i seem to avoid it like most things at the moment.
I have several emails i should be writing to my friends. I should be sending more texts and so on.
In the case of PG texts don't seem to reach her. A technical glitch i can't figure out and she rarely has the time to discuss. I am glad we're not talking as much as we used to. But when i want to reach her and all i have is Facebook, which she only pops into now and then and never chat's extensively, it just gets annoying and off putting that i don't even bother remembering what i want to say and give up.
I have to say that i really do think i am a right shiteous friend some times. And being stuck at home isn't exactly helping either.
I should go to sleep now. I have shit i should be doing. And now i've added the fact that i want to do one or two more debates to my growing list of tasks. Go me...
It's not a bad thing, but it's confusing.
My sister is home and she's already settled in.
There's Diet coke can's everywhere. Wine bottle's empty quickly. A supply of beer only lasted a day. And the dishwasher fill's far faster. But that could be to do with the group of friends she had up, but still, that's a fuck load of washing!
What to write, oh what to write:
I tried to start writing yet another one of my story idea's. After a few minute's screaming at the Font feature's on Google Doc's i finally started tapping some words out. But they just pissed me off.
All show, and no tell. If anything it was Masterbatory. All look at me i have this universe and idea's and i can shove these layered characters in off the top of my head as i write, aren't i great, isn't this all sounding so cool, aren't i just the best. Eh no, not really.
I should be telling a story. I have yet to find that story. I do have a universe, a premise, characters i centre it all on and problems and dilema's and settings and so on. But a narritive.... Not yet.
I have no start, no catalysts, nothing at all yet. I really just hated what i started.
It was a list of the family involved and the setting. Not a story in sight. Great writing that.
Oh by the way, the quote "All art is Mastabatory" is possibly the best line i've read all year. It's from "How i payed for College by Marc Acito and i have to say i love that book.
And the fact i read it just before Glee started make's it even better in my eyes.
They say Write what you know, and about what you love. Most of my idea's so far are sci-fi or there abouts.
Well what i know is my life. Hence the blogging, obviously. But what i love to read is Diary type comedy-drama books!
Or at least it's all i have read in any great depth.
Andrian Mole
Ross O'Carol Kelly
and to some extent How i Payed for College.
All comdey-drama's and so on. And i love them. They're a type of book i love. And why i have yet to come up with a story, other than my own life, for such a book myself escapes me.
I've imagined tv-shows based on my high school life or college life all as sample's of Irish culture or of the Male psyche/ mental health. But i have yet to do anything about that. Maybe i should.
Why write about Pirates and keeping a secret for the greater good, or a kid whose imagination creates real worlds to help deal with his own, when i can Write about MEEEEEEE!!!
Hmm, i'll try that some time maybe?
Friendships and the long goodbye.
So i'm going to Australia.
I leave on the 20th.
My going away party is this friday, yes the 13th, but i don't think that's a bad thing.
I considered weighing it up and organising and other things.
But instead i said fuck it and sent out a Facebook evite to all my friends and other such people and did it anyway.
So i'll see them all on Friday and say good bye.
I may also hold a smaller doo here at home on Saturday. My mother kept mentioning it, but the logistics are confusing! And i seem to avoid it like most things at the moment.
I have several emails i should be writing to my friends. I should be sending more texts and so on.
In the case of PG texts don't seem to reach her. A technical glitch i can't figure out and she rarely has the time to discuss. I am glad we're not talking as much as we used to. But when i want to reach her and all i have is Facebook, which she only pops into now and then and never chat's extensively, it just gets annoying and off putting that i don't even bother remembering what i want to say and give up.
I have to say that i really do think i am a right shiteous friend some times. And being stuck at home isn't exactly helping either.
I should go to sleep now. I have shit i should be doing. And now i've added the fact that i want to do one or two more debates to my growing list of tasks. Go me...
Friday, October 9, 2009
I get by with a little help from my friends:
As the world of the internet grows, it finally reaches people you wouldn't think would also be there.
After all before facebook we wouldn't know what our friends were doing when they were not around us. Now we know everything...
So i am proud to say that some of my friends are now bloggers!
Yes indeedy. I won't reveal who they're nicknames are exactly on my blog, but these people are my real friends and they also blog.
There are the wonderfully odd and informative word's of Zeta Reticuli over on Abstract and Abtruse.
He's new to all this, and blogs infrequently, but the standard is high and he has good things to say.
Enjoy this post about Suicide
Then there is Bella over on Ponderful.
Ponderful is simply wonderful. Even with just a few posts Bella has in essence captured everything i love about blogging. Wit and opinion all tied up with a gorgeous little ribbon of brilliance. She is a born writer of blogs and i hope will write more wonders in the future.
Just read the viscous nature of the metaphoric goo that is her wonderful writing.
There is also the Quixotic Michael who i befriended from his previous blog, " Full of high sentence, but a bit obtruse?", which is now long gone.
Michael Quixote is now in Paris on his erasmus year and blogs occaisionally about his time in Paris.
Visit Parisian Tale's to envy this intrepid young man in one of the most romantic cities on earth.
Bloggers that i now count as friends, or indispencible:
There is of course the wonderful and crazy adventure's of White Rabbit aka "Au Lapin blanc".
White Rabbit is from Up north, so that might be SOME excuse for her extra odd nature, but at heart she's a cupcake loving whimsical force of nature that is a must read. She post's so frequently a day can not be complete without her fine words gracing my reader.
A recent sweet tooth related adventure.
There is also the Growing pains and wonderful mind of Vicki on .Wear Me out.
.Wear Me Out is not a genre blog, or a constant sight in my reader, but it is moving, informative and a bright spark of genious from a young girl trying to get by in the horrible world of Dundalk.
Vicki has been at it for a while, but her blogging style show's wit, whimsy and oodles of hyperbole and self reflection as well as an insight into a young Lesbian woman in modern Ireland. A must read no matter what, whether you seek wit and a good story, or the blossoming talent of a good writer, .Wear Me Out is a must read.
Oh and don't hug her for too long.
Maxi Crane.....
This man is indispensible. He is the king of NSFW blogging in the irish Scene. He is an island of perversion unto himself. And frankly, if you're anyone, who's anyone, who also read's blogs, you have to read Maxi. It's just an essential part of life in the blogging world.
Whether it's his own, NSFW, website or his guest posts for others, Maxi is an wonderful Perverted figure of a crusty perverted internet tour de force of wit, hyperbole, sarcasm and seething hate of Twink that has to be read to be believed.
Maxi Crane.
Maxi is also shacked up with the wonderfully giddy and wonderful The Jelly Monster.
Both Jelly and Maxi are lover's of a good cuppa tea. So give them a read and honour them with a good dunking of biscuits in the life blood of the British and Irish Isle's, a good bru.
There are also the folks on Culch.ie and Coddle Pot that can't be forgotten. Enjoy.
After all before facebook we wouldn't know what our friends were doing when they were not around us. Now we know everything...
So i am proud to say that some of my friends are now bloggers!
Yes indeedy. I won't reveal who they're nicknames are exactly on my blog, but these people are my real friends and they also blog.
There are the wonderfully odd and informative word's of Zeta Reticuli over on Abstract and Abtruse.
He's new to all this, and blogs infrequently, but the standard is high and he has good things to say.
Enjoy this post about Suicide
Then there is Bella over on Ponderful.
Ponderful is simply wonderful. Even with just a few posts Bella has in essence captured everything i love about blogging. Wit and opinion all tied up with a gorgeous little ribbon of brilliance. She is a born writer of blogs and i hope will write more wonders in the future.
Just read the viscous nature of the metaphoric goo that is her wonderful writing.
There is also the Quixotic Michael who i befriended from his previous blog, " Full of high sentence, but a bit obtruse?", which is now long gone.
Michael Quixote is now in Paris on his erasmus year and blogs occaisionally about his time in Paris.
Visit Parisian Tale's to envy this intrepid young man in one of the most romantic cities on earth.
Bloggers that i now count as friends, or indispencible:
There is of course the wonderful and crazy adventure's of White Rabbit aka "Au Lapin blanc".
White Rabbit is from Up north, so that might be SOME excuse for her extra odd nature, but at heart she's a cupcake loving whimsical force of nature that is a must read. She post's so frequently a day can not be complete without her fine words gracing my reader.
A recent sweet tooth related adventure.
There is also the Growing pains and wonderful mind of Vicki on .Wear Me out.
.Wear Me Out is not a genre blog, or a constant sight in my reader, but it is moving, informative and a bright spark of genious from a young girl trying to get by in the horrible world of Dundalk.
Vicki has been at it for a while, but her blogging style show's wit, whimsy and oodles of hyperbole and self reflection as well as an insight into a young Lesbian woman in modern Ireland. A must read no matter what, whether you seek wit and a good story, or the blossoming talent of a good writer, .Wear Me Out is a must read.
Oh and don't hug her for too long.
Maxi Crane.....
This man is indispensible. He is the king of NSFW blogging in the irish Scene. He is an island of perversion unto himself. And frankly, if you're anyone, who's anyone, who also read's blogs, you have to read Maxi. It's just an essential part of life in the blogging world.
Whether it's his own, NSFW, website or his guest posts for others, Maxi is an wonderful Perverted figure of a crusty perverted internet tour de force of wit, hyperbole, sarcasm and seething hate of Twink that has to be read to be believed.
Maxi Crane.
Maxi is also shacked up with the wonderfully giddy and wonderful The Jelly Monster.
Both Jelly and Maxi are lover's of a good cuppa tea. So give them a read and honour them with a good dunking of biscuits in the life blood of the British and Irish Isle's, a good bru.
There are also the folks on Culch.ie and Coddle Pot that can't be forgotten. Enjoy.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Same old tune, just not in tune...
Well i have been meaning to write this blog for a few days. It is after all a really really self serving moan bag of a blog. Basically i want to discuss the year (academic) so far and what i've done.
I apologise in advance for negativity, rambling and self-effacing depressive sentence’s and so on. I'm worried about exams, i'm not exactly prepared and doing this seems like a good idea to do because i don't have many people to talk to while i sit here at a computer waiting for my afternoon exam,
In a spring like attempt to lift the mood of this post i will try and keep the description of the year as brief as possible, REMEMBER I SAID "TRY".
So back in 08 during the lack of summer i tried to study for supplemental’s. This was a massive failure on my part. I did little to know work. I avoided the problem. I was terrified, i was obviously not right in the head. Some days i would sit at college computers ALL Day long, without bathroom breaks, and then in pain rush to the bathroom before sulking home and saying very little. My failing was completely my own doing. So was the summer exams that had led to this. I wasn't happy then either and it just continued and continued.
Roll on failure and despite trying to voice how miserable i was my parents put them at financial risk and made me repeat the year. I couldn't do anything else. I couldn't switch course without passing, i have no work experience or want to work low wage unskilled jobs. I also have an unrealistic dream of being a writer or doing something creative. So back in i went. General nursing second year all over again. Lost and upset and now finding myself with a hell of a lot more free time and no friends in my course other than Chatterbox i turned to my old friend Gammaman. Despite an even more gruelling course than mine he had made a life on campus in the society and i put aside my old prejudice at the idea of "campus elitism" (i don't know what that was all about) and signed up. After the Colours debate i was hooked, debating was my new thing. I then in my spare time spent far too long reading newspapers and sitting on those glorious couches’ then wrapping my head around the course work i had done last year and cementing it in my head. I took part in 5 first rounds of the Maiden's competition. This was mostly because of my ever presence there and encouragement from Gentle Ben and curiosity in trying to hone my fledgling skills.
The trip to the republic. That was when the first blog started. I had my thing for Hope and all that. It failed miserably. I did a lot of lonely walking around Cork. The oddest part being liberating a 3 litre bottle of coke for supposed mixed drinks afterwards if necessary. But upon arrival at the hostel the whole Hope thing failed and I-T and her studied for a debate the next day. Jilted, or angry or just plain depressed i walked back to the pub. This didn’t last to long at it was there that i discovered i was the 5th WORST person in the competition. Possibly something to do with my partner being unable to speak english, but still REALLY bad.
Now the first part of the year flew by pretty quick. And i didnt really make any friends amongst the new year, mainly because i had all of 1 tutorial day. There was brief friendship’s during placement and that went well at the time. Daisy being an example of that, and Jade to an extent.
Somewhere during placement i had a slight bit of rekindling friendship with people from my previous year. PG of course being an ever present force in my life. Despite breaking up with her more than a year ago she still talks to me the exact same amount as when we were dating but unable to meet in person. That can suck sometimes. Now in my infinite wisdom i quickly became enamoured with Cleo. She was an enigma that i was very quickly interested in unravelling. And by unravelling i mean both understanding and sleeping with. She was obviously a bit on the oddball side. The quick and honest revelation of Bi-sexuality and partaking or having interest in a swingers party was shocking to say the least. But my LUST moved far to fast. She never saw me the same way and i just got really insane about her. To the extent that i skipped a day of placement after a party in PG's and went to Cleo talking about odd dreams i had and my feelings for her. I sat in her dingy and student grotto flat and slowly went insane. I couldnt stop my thoughts. She wasn't interested in me. She was distant. And yet my mind became disturbed and i had to run. If i didnt i might have assaulted her. I was terrified of my own head and had to leave that mess as fast as possible. And i did.
Then Australia. My sister’s wedding. This was all about the family and my sister. It was a good time had. It was nice to actually experience some summer for once. But i also became very introverted while there. I was after all bored senseless. I spent afternoon after afternoon watching comedy repeats and so on. I followed all the tourist stuff. We popped up to Sydney. There i was possibly even worse. On one occasion in the sweltering heat and bare skin of aussie female's my mind wondered back to similar thoughts as to when sitting in Cleo's flat. Every female that passed me i had flash's in my mind of different acts and so on. It was terrifying. As soon as i could i separated myself from my parents and hoped on the monorail. iPod and McD milkshake weren't enough. So adult magazine, curtens closed. And i guess that helped. I then took to the swimming pool in the building we were in several times. Back for the wedding and so on i still wasn't right. I wrote one or 2 blogs, but i was still alone, still barely saying a word every day. Even at the wedding i didn't dance. I sat at my table for most of the time. Reluctantly at that but i felt paralysed with negative thoughts and so on and i just felt awful.
It didn't improve when i got home. Back into study. Well i tried. I missed my first day back and did a mini-IV in the society. Joker's IV was great fun. But without a partner i dummied just as a helping hand. I wasn't exactly in the right state of mind to talk for 10 minutes on my own 5 times but some how i did it. I contributed fuck all to most arguments and especially the last one i just felt useless. It was anything but fun but the finale was amazing and i loved it, i did have fun, of sorts. Due to a mix up over my timetable i missed some lectures that day. The next day reading the Guardian i spoke with Chatterbox and realised i had class's to get to. Then the whole Daisy thing. I had grabbed a spoon as i put it before Christmas. Hoping that this girl that seemed like a perfect match, a possible sure thing, would actually be interested in seeing me. It was not to be, she had to study. So did eye but when i spent the best part of 2 months including her in the odd fantasy in my head it pretty much hurt.
My second placement was far more lonely. I spilled to my CPC that i wasn't really happy, with my course or in general. I went through several avenue's to get help and so on. I was also sick a lot. This was to do with my water bottle, stress, the wet winter and mental health. I still have a weak to pay back thanks to that. The second placement within that placement was better, i was getting back on form. I had gone through several counselling sessions and other discussions and felt i could get on top of study and get through the year....
This of course didn't happen. My study routine didn't materialise as i had planed. I became very involved in the society. First was the Youngling debate. I had seen the request by Lenn for the younglings to get Gammaman something. Gammaman is one of my oldest friends, he has inadvertently helped me through rough times several times. The school play in transition year, the choir in 5th year/chicago trip(nothing to do with him but similar spirit) and now the Society. So i took charge of that little quest. The discussion had fizzled out so i rallied the troops so to speak and tried to get shit done. It wasn't exactly working but eventually on the day of the debate Boop and Nordie 2 helped out. I was suffering from yet another cold. I was running on caffeine and drugs. I chronicled this in a previous post but i ran around like a mad thing for most of that day. I was sick and i still did it, like being a nurse i did all these things even with or without thanks. I also fluffed my "privileged" motion to give Gammaman his gift. I did that for him to show my thanks and the younglings thanks. This was in spite of the fact i was giving more to the society than i was getting back. Thanking Gammaman more than i needed to since i didnt even get a 21st birthday present from him, but i did it anyway.
I coasted along through lectures and mediocre study for the following weeks. I also continued to spend far too long in the society. The football match and then the elections and the initial steps for the Star Trek outing. I took some photo's for the match and had a good time. Although i wasn't that sociable and that pissed me off, i couldnt think of much to say, at all. I also couldn't make it to Boops house party because of circumstance being the real bitch. DS being stuck in town and Gammaman never being able to accommodate anyone at short notice. Then the election trail. I forged my friendship with Dona and that was good. Even came up with the Trek thing, although eventually that turned out to just be me.
Then the election. What had i put myself in for. It was harrowing. And i didn't even vote for myself. I had done so much for the Society and loved what i was doing. I knew, if i made it to next year, and if i was elected, i would be very Busy. Percy pulled this out of me and did seed doubts in my mind. It also highlighted how much i was there in the society but not exactly as well know as other people. I have many an acquaintance but not so many friends. I didn't vote for myself. Hence i lost. It hurt, it really hurt. But i still stuck around. I still popped over at lunch and still read newspapers. I also organised the cinema trip, despite the turn out i eventually got i was still happy i had gotten that to even happen.
Study. Wow. Eh. Yikes. Yeah, i need to study now. Exams haven't been too peachy so far. I answered a question on Diabetic Ketoacidosis without mentioning Insulin. I technically killed a patient with a fluffed and misguided line about a glucose iv. Yep i don't know how i did that but i did. I feel like an idiot and a failure. I have GIT and Liver stuff today. I have to cram that now. I hope. I should.
Study plan for the summer i think :-(
I apologise in advance for negativity, rambling and self-effacing depressive sentence’s and so on. I'm worried about exams, i'm not exactly prepared and doing this seems like a good idea to do because i don't have many people to talk to while i sit here at a computer waiting for my afternoon exam,
In a spring like attempt to lift the mood of this post i will try and keep the description of the year as brief as possible, REMEMBER I SAID "TRY".
So back in 08 during the lack of summer i tried to study for supplemental’s. This was a massive failure on my part. I did little to know work. I avoided the problem. I was terrified, i was obviously not right in the head. Some days i would sit at college computers ALL Day long, without bathroom breaks, and then in pain rush to the bathroom before sulking home and saying very little. My failing was completely my own doing. So was the summer exams that had led to this. I wasn't happy then either and it just continued and continued.
Roll on failure and despite trying to voice how miserable i was my parents put them at financial risk and made me repeat the year. I couldn't do anything else. I couldn't switch course without passing, i have no work experience or want to work low wage unskilled jobs. I also have an unrealistic dream of being a writer or doing something creative. So back in i went. General nursing second year all over again. Lost and upset and now finding myself with a hell of a lot more free time and no friends in my course other than Chatterbox i turned to my old friend Gammaman. Despite an even more gruelling course than mine he had made a life on campus in the society and i put aside my old prejudice at the idea of "campus elitism" (i don't know what that was all about) and signed up. After the Colours debate i was hooked, debating was my new thing. I then in my spare time spent far too long reading newspapers and sitting on those glorious couches’ then wrapping my head around the course work i had done last year and cementing it in my head. I took part in 5 first rounds of the Maiden's competition. This was mostly because of my ever presence there and encouragement from Gentle Ben and curiosity in trying to hone my fledgling skills.
The trip to the republic. That was when the first blog started. I had my thing for Hope and all that. It failed miserably. I did a lot of lonely walking around Cork. The oddest part being liberating a 3 litre bottle of coke for supposed mixed drinks afterwards if necessary. But upon arrival at the hostel the whole Hope thing failed and I-T and her studied for a debate the next day. Jilted, or angry or just plain depressed i walked back to the pub. This didn’t last to long at it was there that i discovered i was the 5th WORST person in the competition. Possibly something to do with my partner being unable to speak english, but still REALLY bad.
Now the first part of the year flew by pretty quick. And i didnt really make any friends amongst the new year, mainly because i had all of 1 tutorial day. There was brief friendship’s during placement and that went well at the time. Daisy being an example of that, and Jade to an extent.
Somewhere during placement i had a slight bit of rekindling friendship with people from my previous year. PG of course being an ever present force in my life. Despite breaking up with her more than a year ago she still talks to me the exact same amount as when we were dating but unable to meet in person. That can suck sometimes. Now in my infinite wisdom i quickly became enamoured with Cleo. She was an enigma that i was very quickly interested in unravelling. And by unravelling i mean both understanding and sleeping with. She was obviously a bit on the oddball side. The quick and honest revelation of Bi-sexuality and partaking or having interest in a swingers party was shocking to say the least. But my LUST moved far to fast. She never saw me the same way and i just got really insane about her. To the extent that i skipped a day of placement after a party in PG's and went to Cleo talking about odd dreams i had and my feelings for her. I sat in her dingy and student grotto flat and slowly went insane. I couldnt stop my thoughts. She wasn't interested in me. She was distant. And yet my mind became disturbed and i had to run. If i didnt i might have assaulted her. I was terrified of my own head and had to leave that mess as fast as possible. And i did.
Then Australia. My sister’s wedding. This was all about the family and my sister. It was a good time had. It was nice to actually experience some summer for once. But i also became very introverted while there. I was after all bored senseless. I spent afternoon after afternoon watching comedy repeats and so on. I followed all the tourist stuff. We popped up to Sydney. There i was possibly even worse. On one occasion in the sweltering heat and bare skin of aussie female's my mind wondered back to similar thoughts as to when sitting in Cleo's flat. Every female that passed me i had flash's in my mind of different acts and so on. It was terrifying. As soon as i could i separated myself from my parents and hoped on the monorail. iPod and McD milkshake weren't enough. So adult magazine, curtens closed. And i guess that helped. I then took to the swimming pool in the building we were in several times. Back for the wedding and so on i still wasn't right. I wrote one or 2 blogs, but i was still alone, still barely saying a word every day. Even at the wedding i didn't dance. I sat at my table for most of the time. Reluctantly at that but i felt paralysed with negative thoughts and so on and i just felt awful.
It didn't improve when i got home. Back into study. Well i tried. I missed my first day back and did a mini-IV in the society. Joker's IV was great fun. But without a partner i dummied just as a helping hand. I wasn't exactly in the right state of mind to talk for 10 minutes on my own 5 times but some how i did it. I contributed fuck all to most arguments and especially the last one i just felt useless. It was anything but fun but the finale was amazing and i loved it, i did have fun, of sorts. Due to a mix up over my timetable i missed some lectures that day. The next day reading the Guardian i spoke with Chatterbox and realised i had class's to get to. Then the whole Daisy thing. I had grabbed a spoon as i put it before Christmas. Hoping that this girl that seemed like a perfect match, a possible sure thing, would actually be interested in seeing me. It was not to be, she had to study. So did eye but when i spent the best part of 2 months including her in the odd fantasy in my head it pretty much hurt.
My second placement was far more lonely. I spilled to my CPC that i wasn't really happy, with my course or in general. I went through several avenue's to get help and so on. I was also sick a lot. This was to do with my water bottle, stress, the wet winter and mental health. I still have a weak to pay back thanks to that. The second placement within that placement was better, i was getting back on form. I had gone through several counselling sessions and other discussions and felt i could get on top of study and get through the year....
This of course didn't happen. My study routine didn't materialise as i had planed. I became very involved in the society. First was the Youngling debate. I had seen the request by Lenn for the younglings to get Gammaman something. Gammaman is one of my oldest friends, he has inadvertently helped me through rough times several times. The school play in transition year, the choir in 5th year/chicago trip(nothing to do with him but similar spirit) and now the Society. So i took charge of that little quest. The discussion had fizzled out so i rallied the troops so to speak and tried to get shit done. It wasn't exactly working but eventually on the day of the debate Boop and Nordie 2 helped out. I was suffering from yet another cold. I was running on caffeine and drugs. I chronicled this in a previous post but i ran around like a mad thing for most of that day. I was sick and i still did it, like being a nurse i did all these things even with or without thanks. I also fluffed my "privileged" motion to give Gammaman his gift. I did that for him to show my thanks and the younglings thanks. This was in spite of the fact i was giving more to the society than i was getting back. Thanking Gammaman more than i needed to since i didnt even get a 21st birthday present from him, but i did it anyway.
I coasted along through lectures and mediocre study for the following weeks. I also continued to spend far too long in the society. The football match and then the elections and the initial steps for the Star Trek outing. I took some photo's for the match and had a good time. Although i wasn't that sociable and that pissed me off, i couldnt think of much to say, at all. I also couldn't make it to Boops house party because of circumstance being the real bitch. DS being stuck in town and Gammaman never being able to accommodate anyone at short notice. Then the election trail. I forged my friendship with Dona and that was good. Even came up with the Trek thing, although eventually that turned out to just be me.
Then the election. What had i put myself in for. It was harrowing. And i didn't even vote for myself. I had done so much for the Society and loved what i was doing. I knew, if i made it to next year, and if i was elected, i would be very Busy. Percy pulled this out of me and did seed doubts in my mind. It also highlighted how much i was there in the society but not exactly as well know as other people. I have many an acquaintance but not so many friends. I didn't vote for myself. Hence i lost. It hurt, it really hurt. But i still stuck around. I still popped over at lunch and still read newspapers. I also organised the cinema trip, despite the turn out i eventually got i was still happy i had gotten that to even happen.
Study. Wow. Eh. Yikes. Yeah, i need to study now. Exams haven't been too peachy so far. I answered a question on Diabetic Ketoacidosis without mentioning Insulin. I technically killed a patient with a fluffed and misguided line about a glucose iv. Yep i don't know how i did that but i did. I feel like an idiot and a failure. I have GIT and Liver stuff today. I have to cram that now. I hope. I should.
Study plan for the summer i think :-(
Monday, May 18, 2009
Spicy potato wedges and a yoghurt
An entirely random title i know but that's the odd pile of rubbish from some studious person's bizarre lunch. Yep you know it's exam season when student type food is left as rubbish on top of tower shaped computers and left forgotten. 1.99 for spicy wedges in centra, not exactly cost affective. Any REAL student would be aware of 1.87 or so sandwich's of the week in londis. I was lucky in that mine wasn't "in the system", so the till operator keyed in a price of 1.77 instead of looking at the mirrored number's on the poster stuck to the front window. RESULT! Well not really. I also went all the way to eason's just to get a cheap SPARE pencil for my exam. 25 cent for one with a rubber on top. Reads of Nassau street, wanted to charge 1.49 for a plain pencil of the same graffite shade that is the standard HB. Reads, of Nassau street, can fuck themselves:-p!!!
Now my exam is in an hour, just around the corner actually. I've looked over stuff, i'm not in my usual forced exam confidence mode but i am trying. Let's hope things go well. I'll save this as a draft to give both sides of the same story for today and recent events.
Following this blog i also intend a blog on recent pop culture occurrence's that i have been stock piling in a to-blog list. No seriously, it's on my scribble paper under my keyboard on my desk at home. Along with ruff sketches of space ships, various doodles and intricate plans for train networks and world conquest.
A word to my readers and a retrospective look at my blog in general:
Well last weeks only published entry really pissed me off. On one hand it was an efficient use of my mobile phone. On the other it was a mental rant with frequent grammar and spelling mistakes and a narrative mindset that disturbed me, a lot. Basically i was pissed with that blog. I could have corrected it but i just didn't like it so i moved on. Hidden in the bowels of this account is also a massive rant about star trek vs star wars that isn't very coherent or finished, but i hope to fix it up with some facts and proper analyses. Wookiepedia and Memory Alpha being very important for that....
Readership wise. Well my anonymity system isn't exactly that anonymous. After all i publish this via a feed onto my facebook so it is easy enough for my friends and acquaintance's to get a-hold of it and figure stuff out. That really is of no consequence but it does sometimes seem mute or pointless. Even with a "key" bluetaced to my desk to remind me of the most commonly used nicknames i still don't understand why i even bother with the system sometimes. But i will never remove it, i like it and will forge ahead regardless. I also have to note that despite only finding 2 comments now i never realised that i actually have readers, woohoo, dances. I apologise then to them for last weeks blog, for rants here and there and for not posting in blog format all the time. That will come later today or whenever in the form of my "pop-culture" blog.
This is more of a self-serving diary blog post for now.
Bodly going back to the final frontier:
As planed i dragged society people and college friends too star trek. I had been planing it for weeks. Hell it was originally an off the cuff idea from Dona. Somehow i carried it, and carried it and it was an event none-the-less. I even had custard cream's that cost all of 39 cent, economic baby! Unfortunately the crowd wasn't what i had planed and there was still a sizable amount of us, 7 in total. But with the irish contingent and those not crippled all studying or apprehensive about upcoming torture sessions it was left to just the small group to enjoy the movie. No additional night or any such as originally planed, just a movie. Pity. Apollo however has expressed interest in going after exams so i "could" in theory press gang the rest of people to go as an after exam thing, or i could plan something for the summer. I have been toying with the idea of a party at mine for ages, just the logistics are difficult. And my parents being away the week after exams i still would have NO way of getting people to my little corner of the styxx.
I was thinking of a "who are my friends" rant or a bitch session but i think i'll leave that be. Most of it is really more up to me etc. I "have" to be more assertive, make myself noticed, so on and so forth. But then again it was painful trying to organise shit over recent months with little enthusiasm or co-operation coming back at me. But i did it anyway. Had to restrain a bitchy rant there too....
It's 30 minutes to my exam. I shall pause this blog post for now...
Phew wow, that wasn't so hard after all. Good work.
50 mcq's in a 2 hour exam. Was finished at one hour 25 minutes or so. So not to bad.
Pop culture blog now included; I was not going to do it, then i was, then i wasn't, then it was going to be separate at some arbitrary point in the future, then i was going to put it on hold, now i'll just bloody do it!
A black james bond, SAY WHA!:
Where the hell did this BS come from? African-American and British actors all being tipped to play the first "black james bond". Since when was the first Blond Bond looking for work? Daniel Craig is doing a good job, whats with this over PC media garbage of African-American' pining for a job they could NEVER do!
Here are the candidate's and what i think about them.
Will Smith:
Who:We all know Will.
Why: He's a massive star. He also has box office pulling power even with awful movies, ie Hancock and ?? Pounds.
Why not: He's a massive star anyway, he doesn't need bond.
Sean "P Diddy" Combes
Who: Entrepreneur, rap artist, producer, millionaire playboy.
Why: He's a bit up himself and has loads of money, he also wants to be more famous.
Why Not: He has very limited acting chops and is just in it for the fame.
Jamie Fox:
Who: A very talented Actor and occasional singer, see Collateral and Ray.
Why: He's a real actor, a good one, and he's apparently "cool".
Why not: He's just another fame seeker. Sure he's good but he's better than an action star and probably incapable of being british or afro-carribean enough.
Idris Elba:
Who: Idris Elba. Yep i don't know either. He was in The Wire for an influential run, got killed or something, people love him is all i know.
Why: He's actually british, is apparently really good and has been mentioned in as in the "running" for james bond.
Colin Salmon:
Who: Colin Salmon, one of those secondary actors you always recognise. He has actually been in at least 2 bonds as an MI6 agent as well as many shows.
Why: He's a good actor, british and has actually been in Bond Films.
Why Not: He's been in Bond films, hence he is not Bond.
Chiwetel Ejiofor
Who: Chiwetel Ejiofor. Really good actor, the role I know him best for is The Operative in Serenity. I can't say his name but he is very good.
Why: He's british (sort of), he's really good, he could do with being a star....
Why not: He's a good actor, not really an action type actor and he's a bit older and a bit to ethnic afro-british to be considered.
Basically the American contenders are all stupid ideas. The british are more likely but they are also slightly pointless. There is no need for a "black" Bond. We still have the Blond Bond. Maybe a spin-off if the PC brigade are that pushed, bloody reverse media nazi's, know nothing about realistic film making, this is Bond after all.....
In other news my abi-stance is waning. I have started to consider several possibilities. I will elaborate futher at some other point.
Video of the blog:
Green Day -Know your Enemy live at abbey road:
Now my exam is in an hour, just around the corner actually. I've looked over stuff, i'm not in my usual forced exam confidence mode but i am trying. Let's hope things go well. I'll save this as a draft to give both sides of the same story for today and recent events.
Following this blog i also intend a blog on recent pop culture occurrence's that i have been stock piling in a to-blog list. No seriously, it's on my scribble paper under my keyboard on my desk at home. Along with ruff sketches of space ships, various doodles and intricate plans for train networks and world conquest.
A word to my readers and a retrospective look at my blog in general:
Well last weeks only published entry really pissed me off. On one hand it was an efficient use of my mobile phone. On the other it was a mental rant with frequent grammar and spelling mistakes and a narrative mindset that disturbed me, a lot. Basically i was pissed with that blog. I could have corrected it but i just didn't like it so i moved on. Hidden in the bowels of this account is also a massive rant about star trek vs star wars that isn't very coherent or finished, but i hope to fix it up with some facts and proper analyses. Wookiepedia and Memory Alpha being very important for that....
Readership wise. Well my anonymity system isn't exactly that anonymous. After all i publish this via a feed onto my facebook so it is easy enough for my friends and acquaintance's to get a-hold of it and figure stuff out. That really is of no consequence but it does sometimes seem mute or pointless. Even with a "key" bluetaced to my desk to remind me of the most commonly used nicknames i still don't understand why i even bother with the system sometimes. But i will never remove it, i like it and will forge ahead regardless. I also have to note that despite only finding 2 comments now i never realised that i actually have readers, woohoo, dances. I apologise then to them for last weeks blog, for rants here and there and for not posting in blog format all the time. That will come later today or whenever in the form of my "pop-culture" blog.
This is more of a self-serving diary blog post for now.
Bodly going back to the final frontier:
As planed i dragged society people and college friends too star trek. I had been planing it for weeks. Hell it was originally an off the cuff idea from Dona. Somehow i carried it, and carried it and it was an event none-the-less. I even had custard cream's that cost all of 39 cent, economic baby! Unfortunately the crowd wasn't what i had planed and there was still a sizable amount of us, 7 in total. But with the irish contingent and those not crippled all studying or apprehensive about upcoming torture sessions it was left to just the small group to enjoy the movie. No additional night or any such as originally planed, just a movie. Pity. Apollo however has expressed interest in going after exams so i "could" in theory press gang the rest of people to go as an after exam thing, or i could plan something for the summer. I have been toying with the idea of a party at mine for ages, just the logistics are difficult. And my parents being away the week after exams i still would have NO way of getting people to my little corner of the styxx.
I was thinking of a "who are my friends" rant or a bitch session but i think i'll leave that be. Most of it is really more up to me etc. I "have" to be more assertive, make myself noticed, so on and so forth. But then again it was painful trying to organise shit over recent months with little enthusiasm or co-operation coming back at me. But i did it anyway. Had to restrain a bitchy rant there too....
It's 30 minutes to my exam. I shall pause this blog post for now...
Phew wow, that wasn't so hard after all. Good work.
50 mcq's in a 2 hour exam. Was finished at one hour 25 minutes or so. So not to bad.
Pop culture blog now included; I was not going to do it, then i was, then i wasn't, then it was going to be separate at some arbitrary point in the future, then i was going to put it on hold, now i'll just bloody do it!
A black james bond, SAY WHA!:
Where the hell did this BS come from? African-American and British actors all being tipped to play the first "black james bond". Since when was the first Blond Bond looking for work? Daniel Craig is doing a good job, whats with this over PC media garbage of African-American' pining for a job they could NEVER do!
Here are the candidate's and what i think about them.
Will Smith:
 |
| From The Learning Curve |
Who:We all know Will.
Why: He's a massive star. He also has box office pulling power even with awful movies, ie Hancock and ?? Pounds.
Why not: He's a massive star anyway, he doesn't need bond.
Sean "P Diddy" Combes
 |
| From The Learning Curve |
Who: Entrepreneur, rap artist, producer, millionaire playboy.
Why: He's a bit up himself and has loads of money, he also wants to be more famous.
Why Not: He has very limited acting chops and is just in it for the fame.
Jamie Fox:
 |
| From The Learning Curve |
Who: A very talented Actor and occasional singer, see Collateral and Ray.
Why: He's a real actor, a good one, and he's apparently "cool".
Why not: He's just another fame seeker. Sure he's good but he's better than an action star and probably incapable of being british or afro-carribean enough.
Idris Elba:
 |
| From The Learning Curve |
Who: Idris Elba. Yep i don't know either. He was in The Wire for an influential run, got killed or something, people love him is all i know.
Why: He's actually british, is apparently really good and has been mentioned in as in the "running" for james bond.
Colin Salmon:
 |
| From The Learning Curve |
Who: Colin Salmon, one of those secondary actors you always recognise. He has actually been in at least 2 bonds as an MI6 agent as well as many shows.
Why: He's a good actor, british and has actually been in Bond Films.
Why Not: He's been in Bond films, hence he is not Bond.
Chiwetel Ejiofor
.jpg) |
| From Actors and celebs |
Who: Chiwetel Ejiofor. Really good actor, the role I know him best for is The Operative in Serenity. I can't say his name but he is very good.
Why: He's british (sort of), he's really good, he could do with being a star....
Why not: He's a good actor, not really an action type actor and he's a bit older and a bit to ethnic afro-british to be considered.
Basically the American contenders are all stupid ideas. The british are more likely but they are also slightly pointless. There is no need for a "black" Bond. We still have the Blond Bond. Maybe a spin-off if the PC brigade are that pushed, bloody reverse media nazi's, know nothing about realistic film making, this is Bond after all.....
In other news my abi-stance is waning. I have started to consider several possibilities. I will elaborate futher at some other point.
Video of the blog:
Green Day -Know your Enemy live at abbey road:
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