After yet another extended absence my mind has returned to a lyrical, analytical and fantasising self.
I have been in the doldrums of unemployment or other factors that I have allowed to hold myself back for nearly 4 years. Amongst all that time I've had highs and lows, 3 months ago there was a lot of low.
For the past 5 weeks I've had a pretty well paying job that was always going to be seasonal and temporary, but it has given me something to do, it has given me the fuel to drive myself and my thoughts and I know now, more than I did this time last year that I want to hold on to this.
I know that doing something, anything, and being paid for it is far far better than sitting at home and fighting my mind, fighting my own self doubt and generally not fighting for more than my selfish self preservation. I see that my perpetual pursuit of staying a low social impact individual who shied from the world, sabotaged what didn't feed that self interest, or engage me to think about my interests or the world beyond myself.
I've always been a caring person, but I've cared more about my self gratification and least painful path trough life far to often.
However, all to often when I notice these faults I find them hard to push through, to change my behaviour and to actually develop as a person. I no way by saying I'm more focused or that my mind is more active, to I think I have turned a cliché.
I still spend too much money on silly things when I do have it, it's hard to save like I had been over the past 6 months; all of which was spent within the first week 1/2 I was back in work. The main silly thing is my new laptop. I'm finally back computing, yay! However I have found it hard to control my old habits, I can't use all the old websites I used, not if I want to sleep and be alert in work. I still have a lot of saving of my old data to still do, but for now I've slowly been rebuilding on-line socialising. Planning what I hope to do in my impending unemployment computer wise has been strange. Now I can write, now I can send off CVs without the excuse of not having a laptop. I can talk to friends, I can explore ideas and consume multiple media, and I will have to ration all that returned freedom.
Here's a small snippet of evidence my mind is now a lot more creative, now that I'm more stable/ happy/ in funds:
The sheen of Autumn sun on asphalt just looks perverse, dotted with single occupied monsters, all with little respect for Earth :'(
The lost tired and forlorn travellers, the boisterous and jolly revellers all passing those jet lagged w/ no energy, and yet another émigré
Landscaped shrubs, and newly planted bulbs, fluffy rabbits and dirty human habits, all by the wayside as cattle sulk airside
3 Tweets that I came up with during a moment of clarity when my bus arrived at Dublin Airport. Not exactly the most talented of poetry, but I think I'm waking up. I think I'm properly on the mend, and I think I have a hell of a lot more to say and things to do to become myself and to stick with it.