Road to the future...

So i'm going to talk about what's going on in my life, how i got here, what i'm doing, and what i hope to do.

I want to keep this as brief as possible, to not rant, but i know i will, so bare with me...


What Happened:


Unsure who I was i thought Nursing was a good choice of career and or college.

I spent the first year lonely and slightly lazy college wise but i passed.

I had a failed relationship in my second year and was even lazier. And i failed.

I was given another chance. I repeated the year. I built a massive new peer group on campus and loved it. I spent all my free time giving to it and receiving some thanks in return. I also didn't work hard enough.

I tried to work hard. But i was still me, it had been so long i was lazy, i avoided it and i was afraid that i would fail and disapoint people. I was afraid to try and i avoided it.

I failed. I disapointed myself and my parents who are if anything exhausted with me.

3 years of college down the drain. 6 years of private school education that i never put to any use.

I'm Lonely.

I'm Lethargic, depressed, lazy, annoyed, frustrated, negative and generally fear responsibility or any drive at all.




What am i doing?




I'm the house maid. I clean the house, unwillingly and lackadaisically and feed and walk the dogs.

I slowly search for new college course's. I've barely updated my CV and done nothing with it.

I email Society people willing to help out and even make some money from it, but all those spots are filled.

I miss my friends. I miss having something to do. I feel sorry for myself and i do fuck all everyday.

I watch far too much pirated television the day after it airs in the states.

I think and yet i do nothing. I dream and yet i don't fulfill any of them.

I reflect on everything and still blame and excuse myself in equal measure, but i don't deal with the present.



What i have to do?

I have to earn money.

I have to repay my parents.

I have to achieve my own independence and have a career that allows me to survive in this world.

And i have to be an adult.


How will i achieve this?


By getting a job, any kind, as long as it pays minutely above minimum wage as per the law etc.

Saving for college here or abroad, and most likely getting a student loan.

Being confident in myself and competent in my actions to be a successful student and become qualified.

By the time i am likely to be finished college i will be 26. Very late i know, but by then i hope to be mature.

I hope to do some kind of arts degree, english or film or journalism. There are several course's that encompass aspects of both. And UCD or Scotland are my main choices.





Why i never made this choice 4 years ago is beyond me. Nursing was okay, but i never really worked. I never took responsibility and it was a disaster. I could do the job but my heart was never in it. I was depressed for most of it and frankly because i was down and never fully working it just kept getting worse and worse. And i eventually failed for the last time.



Now i have to find employment of some kind. I have to claw my place into the world with no qualifications and no experience and hope i can run back to college and learn something i am interested in that has the slightest chance of a career at the end of it.



It sounds like a really really big challenge, but i have to do it.





I have dreams:




I want to travel the world.

Inter-railing.

American Road Trip.

Ozbus - London to Sydney

and maybe even road trip to Rio 2016.

I want to be a writer. I want to continue my love of film, write books, write screenplays, write short stories, write blogs and generally be me and have fun while doing it.

I want to somehow achieve freedom by expressing who i am and discussing the wider world.

I also want to share what i have to offer with the world, whether through teaching, writing, journalism, blogging or even film/television/plays.

I basically want to be heard. I want my mind and my words to be my talent and main skill.


I may be lethargic and self loathing at the moment but i would be willing to do anything to make this dream come true. To have freedom to see the world to live in the world and experiance all life has to offer.

I have never liked the idea of 9 to 5. But i do long for the idea of settling down some day.

If i can see the world, live life, write all the time in various ways and then settle down and teach or share more, then i would be happy. That would be the perfect life for me. I just have to achieve it.



Goal's:

To Graduate from College

To See the World

To write no matter what.

To settle down and share my knoledge with children and others.

To die in the comfort that i at least lived and left enough of a mark that people i don't know will still remember me and believe i lived a good life.



Now To live life.