In Absence of a pen, Blog.

The battle with the dark, insomnia and Rowling thoughts...

(This was a blog post i composed early last week, never finished it though...)

Sometimes i hate this time, others i embrace it. The moments before sleep you cant achieve, where you mind ebbs and flows with worries, analysis and memories. From this past week i have many new memories, good, bad, and ugly.

And it is a struggle to come to terms with it all. Despite good intentions, the week never really turned out like i imagined. In some instance's it was great that it didn't follow a set plan, in others plans fell apart or didn't emerge as hoped. It was hodge-podge of uncertain results that have left me dumbfounded as to which actions to pursue in several situations.

And for the most part the only voice i have to express is my internal one. And the only person listening, at the moment, is me. This is very hard to return to, when socialising and dulling my mind have been more equal than weeks past. Yes, most of my points in this post will greatly refer to my screen name, and the philosophy and connotations i use to express how i see myself...

I suppose the best way to tell of my week is to speak in a structure. Not quite the good, the bad and the ugly, more the social, the disappointing and the negative self reflection. Catchy title's no?



The SOCIAL:



So in keeping with my last blog post i set out upon my new found semI-optimism by making plans with friends for the week.

I planed for the cinema with DS and anyone who could join, on Thursday. To see toy story 3D.

For Friday i would catch up With Dona over lunch or "coffee" and following that Budsey for drinks of some kind.

Unfortunately Gammaman was unavailable, and my wallet limited, so a Wednesday meet up had to be ruled out.

My usually ever present Ex, PG, was on nights, and not really talking to me about much anyway, so i ruled her out automatically. All over built up spite over the past couple of years really, harking back to the same issue's as to why i broke up with her via an extended textual conversation one depressed rainy spring weekend.

I also expressed further dismay that Ming would not be returning to Dublin anytime soon, and was off to London. I'd like to go to London, or anywhere! My parents are off to Venice next week. Oh how jealous i am on many levels, more on this later.

The cinema was a good time. Nordie 1 saw my facebook status update invite to my entire social circle to see who wanted to see toy story, and joined the outing. This was good considering i hadn't seen him in about 3 and a half years or so, and especially not as much as every day in secondary school. Such nostalgia is likely to pop up more as i make my student film over the next few weeks as i hope to get as many friends as possible to help out in the creation of it.

I loved Toy Story 3, it was a heartbreaking reminder of childhood and just damn brilliant.

I couldn't stick around with DS and Nordie 1 though as i had to head home. Just barely meeting my mothers train on time on arrival in Drogheda by a bus that left 30 minutes early.

Late on Thursday night though my plans with Dona were canceled. Whether i willl talk about this is a matter of conjecture in my head....

Plans still held though with Budsey, so that would be good...

Setting off in the overcast skies of Friday morning i was frightfully nervous and uncertain. The weight of Dona's cancellation, and fearing job hunting were barring down on me, not to mention uncertainty over how things would be, on several levels, around Budsey.

Somehow i found the time and effort to walk up and down Dublin looking in windows for job positions. Barely a catch. Try as i might i could not find the courage to enquire anywhere. A failing i must admit, but at the same time, positions i did find, were looking for people with experience, and qualifications. None of these i can really offer, and i was pre-emptively defeated.

One strange posting however caught my eye.

Hair model's wanted.

I passed this location, in a quite Alley twice. I have grown to love this ally as a sort of a Harry Potter link that i used to not know about. I love to duck through it to get from random to random, and also to admire the pub fronts and quirks it has to offer. For the life of me i had never noticed a barbers.

Upon relieving myself in public facilities in TCD, i returned and entered.

I asked the Women there, apparently the only staff, what the post meant?

Apparently one of them is a student Barber/Hair Dresser/hair stylest/Male grooming facilitator, and they were looking for training subjects, who would get their hair cut for free.

Well i had hair, it was unruly and needed cutting, i said yes.

So i sat in the chair, and several awkward moments ensued.

The trainee was actually kind of hot, this would not be easy. Having you hair washed, when getting a cut, was alien enough, but having to lean forward???

Then the general chit chat, few and far between, but different to the silence i get in my usual place. At first my usual barbers would ask questions and so on, back when i was a teenager, but since then they seem to have recognised that i am not interested, and that i am slightly different to them. The accent, the vocab, and quite possibly the socio-economic background and interests. Football, in a barbers, wheres the music, this may be 9 quid a cut but your establishment is "beneath me". (that being what i think, they think i'm thinking, when i'm there)

The Irish have a Unique capacity for cynicism in the face of this economic crisis. We all think the world is impossible and unforgiving, or at least that is how we casually accept how we must talk to others. Pretend were all equal, or all suffering, and hide any positives, or i am worse off anecdotes. This Trainee had a lot of this.

My, i was a male nurse, now just a bar back on the weekends was nothing compared to her. She was utterly without a 3rd level prospect, deriding the whole Career Counseling profession as expecting all girls to be Nurse's. She herself could not be a nurse, not the usual thing of gore etc, but the self revealing story that her Mother recently died. Hospice's was mentioned, but i dare not pry, i had no idea how to take this offering of conversation. Yes nursing is very noble, and not for all, but to continue down that cul de sac of connecting memory dots for her could not be a good thing. I could not really mention all i saw in James's, her mother had been there. The Cancer ward i admired was off limits, the STD's and the HIV or Burns also. Suddenly my disgust at the care of the elderly Overcrowding i had already derided was now insensitive, and i couldn't say anymore at all about nursing, or college.

She was also finding it hard to learn in her job of a year. To find hair models, or prove her skill.

Okay i was top-trumped by economic woe, a first. This had fizzled all conversation.

I was left to staring in the mirror at my hair receding, or at the ornate nature of the Dunnes Stores window down the street. Certainly not at her. That was difficult, used to ignoring men who ignore me and do a task. Instead i had a unsure nubile young woman at close quarters slowly changing my appearance. While i sat as a training instrument, trying not to let my mind undo a century of feminism and social change.

With my new head of hair i did more window job hunting, but to no real discovery of anything i gave up.

A very good busking group performed Dakota by Stereophonics with a box, an acoustic guitar and a violin, and a 3 part harmony. I had heard this rendition before while walking on Grafton street, and assumed the Guitarist must play there regularly, but the first time without the other 2.

With some red bull cola, and a guardian in hand, i sat at the base of an O'Connell street statue and waited for Budsey to arrive on the Luas.

I must have been engrossed in the G2's article on BASE jumping to notice her arrival so i got up, with a slightly stiff lower body and met her at the steps of easons.


We walked and talked and decided on Some Milkshakes from college green. Then consumed and chatted in Temple bar Square to the background noise of tourists, locals, Restaurant pushers and an Eastern European Folk group that also played some Rolling Stones acoustically.

We then went looking for a pub and eventually settled on the Czech Inn in Old town. What followed was, of course, Drink, open and frank discussions on sexuality, personal histories and religious belief. To say i did most of the talking was an understatement, but with most questions originating from Budsey i was all to happy to share and answer as much as i could. A good time had.

And after waiting for a heavy shower to pass we walked along wood quay to the four courts and parted ways on opposite Trams.


The Disappointing.



I wanted to blog a lot more this week, but i didn't.

I was perturbed and put off by the fact that my efforts to review an album and include youtube video's were scuppered by a crashed tab of blogger. And when i returned half of the post was missing due to several glitches and alterations, that were subsequently a lesser post than what i had been pre-typing on my Notebook.

And i also further dulled my mind with excessive internet use. Tumblr being a large component of this. It is fucking addictive stuff. And if you dear reader have not noticed, i have added a tumblr display to the bottom of my page, and have also started to FLOOD my twitter with, what i can only assume is annoying, auto-updates. I apologise for this if some do not appreciate the Tumblr medium, or generally don't like non-narcissistic twitter posts.

I also did not receive any round Zero offers on my CAO application. This is supposedly a round for people who have done the leaving in the past, and mature applicants, and for certain course's but nothing. Why i don't know but oh well. I have no clear concrete plans yet anyway...

Work was alright this week. I'm well into the swing of things, but it felt like a lackluster affair for some reason.

Maybe because i was so tired afterwards, and that i had spent so much money during the week after doing 2 nights in a row.

I also noticed a very cute redhead at the bar several times. And she appeared to be alone, a very rare sight. I actually had asked a colleague where she had gone. Disappointingly she had left for a rival club that is usually mentioned as preferred by the locals. A pity on many levels.






The Negative

Hmm where to begin on all that negative...



(Thus ends a this post. Can't think of a way to mend it, or end it, so i'll leave as is.)