So we're in august 2010. We're so far in the future that we have surpassed Lisa Simpsons wedding.
Evidence:
Honestly at no fixed point in time did i have any idea what i would be doing with my life in the future.
One fantasy that remained was that i wanted to be a film director or writer. Recently it has molded into the idea that i want to be a "cineauteur". Which means i want to be involved in the make process of all aspects of film or tv production. I want to be adept at all parts of my interest and weigh in as much as possible on everything that i love.
No obviously, this isn't something you can train for. More practically for the immediate future i have to get a 2nd job, i have to save money, and i have to go to college and learn.
I have to take charge of my life entirely by myself. And despite the muddle of the past year, and my lower mood during my recent blogging gap, i feel i have to express myself, i have to control my fate, and i have to live my life as it comes.
I just worked 2 days in a row. That's 100 euro. Straight away i had to give 20 to my dad for petrol costs and for 10 euro credit i desperately needed for my phone. I need more hours in my current job, and i also need a second job.
By August 5th i expect some CAO offers to come through. I have no idea what i am likely to get, but for the most part i'm convinced i will have to differ or decline them. I can't afford college again yet. My parents are not able to support me any further, and they are currently going through some aesthetic and cosmetic changes to the house and its gardens.
I have not talked to them about any of this. I haven't had a strong clue of what i'm going to do, or at least what i want to tell the parental units. For the most part i avoid conversations with them, i don't want to fight.
The most recent issue is that i just passed my road theory test. At my own expense, one weeks wages, and now i have entered into a sort of deal with my parents to get driving lessons. My Mother will fork out for my provisional license and i will pay for alternate lessons. However adding me to the insurance on any of the cars is next to impossible. It would cost 700E or so until the next policy change over date, or some such, and the in excess of 1,500 a year. Frankly that sounds like an insult, and money better spent on education or even supporting me if i decided to move out of the house and possibly avail of benefits, or live off 2 or 3 low pay jobs.
As well as the up coming CAO offers over the next month is an interview with Bellyfermot and their film course.
For this i need to prepare a portfolio of some kind. Including video work, 20 photos, Storyboards, screenplay drafts etc. I hope to work on this over the next month.
This is where my student film comes in. A documentary style thing of asking friends who volunteer their time, what they would think if they were to go to war, in space. And also other issue's specific to them and Irish youth.
This gives me an excuse to repair and plaster up a lot of my friendships that have been damaged over the past year, and also to rekindle old ties to school friends and so on.
On top of my portfolio commitments is the over barring stroke of good luck that is the chance to return to nursing. Thanks to the mother of all technical fuck ups i have a chance to do 2nd year, a third time. Now frankly i have reached the overwhelming consensus in my emotions that this would be the worst thing possible. That i do NOT want to be miserable in that course for another 3 years. That despite it being a steady career and allowing me to go anywhere i just could not commit to it. I would be so aware that i could repeat past mistakes that i would be miserable. I do not want it.
That and frankly as a peer group, beyond the friends i already have, i don't want to have to socialise with more nurses. They would all be THREE years younger, or more. This is a large stretch, and frankly its scary and alienating. Its hard enough to approach girls as a shy male as it is, but to have to return to the same situation that i have crashed and burned in again and again is just humiliating. I see nothing positive about choosing it.
My Friends and school mates are now all graduating/graduated recently. I however am nowhere further in the world than i could have been 4 years ago. I have bigger ideas, bigger aspirations and bigger dream than where i have ended up.
For the most part emotionally and socially i am still a lost and confused teenager, at 22. I feel i have not reached artificial milestones inside my head, and frequently this bothers me. I am shy and closed in and find it hard to be assertive or to let loose or open up to new people. I also find it hard to be heard, or to have anything interesting to say that i know will be heard. I'm a bundle of uncertainty.
However what i know i can be certain about is my love of Cinema. And my vast imagination that i have had to suppress and let only slip out slowly from time to time to distract myself from reality.
In the past few weeks i've taken to wasting even MORE time on the Internet, like the cyber-addict i am. Amongst that time wasting has been Switching wholesale to Tumblr as a blogging medium and means of dulling my brain, so i don't have to think about the outside world. Its damn near addictive, its twitter on crack for internet hipsters and fanboys/girls. Its not a bad place, but the time spent on it is. I really should unfollow some people, and post more meaningful stuff, but be restrained about it. I have also noticed that my twitter use has pretty much died off as a result. Yes there is auto shares and so on, but me actually expressing words and not video and photo, all but gone.
Shocking really. And it must all be rectified.
I am amongst the Job Aspirations, the saving of money, the life decisions, the social life, the portfolio etc, also hoping to make a stronger stab and maintaining my blogging, and web-presence.
Thus i am writing this, of course, and getting my self-narritive touch back. Also expect film and music reviews to come thick and fast and more often as i embrace my interests instead of self moaning, as has been a common theme of this here blog.
I may also take a stab at annotating, editing and improving the links and narrative of older posts. I've hinted at this several times, but usually i have not. I've made stabs at guides and link lists and so on, but usually its all been half arsed. Hopefully i will be a better blogger. Spring cleaning is needed.
Another issue which i especially felt today, is that i am lonely. I know i need my better stab at a social life and so on but i really do feel that i am starting to really feel the need to be with someone, to have a significant other. I know i am going to be VERY busy over the coming months, but i really am lonely. I have urges not only of the sexual kind but also to share my time with someone. Ye know to really love someone, and to be loved. I'm not even sure if i have ever been in love. The whole PG thing was hormones reaching an impasse where to two of us had to hook up and explore ourselves in order to survive as young adults, as for love, i don't know if it was there.
Then my fling in January? I was so ALONE that the only strong friend i had made in Australia was a release. A threesome and then being part of cheating, wasn't exactly the most normal way of going about anything like that, but i needed someone to be with, and for the week i was leaving, it was exactly what i needed. The following "trouble" was sort of insulting, it was no slight on anyone else, i NEED to be me. I need to live my life and make my own mistakes. I needed to feel something other than pure sadness and loneliness. I was on the edge of screaming. Stuck with an unfamiliar sister in an alien country 11,000 miles from what tenuous friendships i had was hell. And with my parents dragging me home because i was living exactly the same as at home, with no one, not even myself, believing that i could find work. It was Utterly shit. And frankly i don't regret my personal actions, i needed a friend, and i needed a good "root".
But despite how busy i know i have to make myself this month, i am raring to go. I want to embrace it all. I want to document it, i want to share what it is like to be me via this blog as i have in the past, and i want to develop and become the person i want to be.
I have the side urge of wanting a physical person to share this with, beyond friendships, but realistically i don't know if i can also attain this. I probably am still not "ready" for it, but then again, can you be ready for "love" or even the lust i so desperately want to quench. Despite not being fully interested in more promiscuous or impersonal aspects of some of modern youths sexual practice's and courting methods, i to want to get my rocks off. I don't see the full appeal of one night stands or constant flings. For the most part i want Relationships. At the same time my body wants to have its way with many attractive women, but my emotions want someone to talk to and share things with all at the same time. I don't want to separate them. I want a partner in life/crime/love etc, purely sex isn't as appealing to me.
I'd rather the affirmation of a relationship, than the gratification of a one night stand.
Its the one thing of over the next month i am still uncertain about.
Bring it on regardless.
1 comment:
I wouldn't beat yourself up too much about a couple of wasted years. If 'wasted' is even the right word, we only learn from our mistakes.
When you're looking at 40 years of work from the front end, be sure that what you do is what you WANT to do in the long run. A few years to get that right isn't so high a price to pay.
I hope it all goes well for you in the next month.
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