I regret noting....

This post is actually a sequal too one i wrote on tuesday which i will post after this one as it is saved on my computer at home. In essance this muddled order will actually by intention explain how the past two days have gone the way they have and what i think about them at this very moment.


I regret noting, as in i regret taking note of certain things. A semi-constructive pun that actually means very little as i am finding it difficult to understand how someone could have no regrets. At the moment im very pessimistic and regret LOADS. But in truth i feel they all serve some sort of greater constructive purpose in some way shape or form. What that is i dont know, but i guess we make mistakes in order to not only learn from them but to know how to make them defrently the next time. I dont know what my good dicisions are as i have dweled on a lot of things that i view as bad mistakes, and the past two days are full of them.


I shall start yesterday morning:

Train arrives a few minutes late. Walk briskly to a luas that waits a good while. Luas then almost gets hit by a bus crossing o'connell street and we sit there for several minutes. I eventually make it to the Burns unit and get into scrubs. Its a quiet day i have one patient. I do my best to be interested. By the very end of the day we have a new addmission and i help set stuff up and observed the begining of the assessment. When every left the room but the doctor for the assessment of the burn fully i left the room too think it was respectful too the patient. I then was with my perceptor looking at the addmission documents when the CNM sort of snapped and started telling me i should be in there watching the assessment as im there to learn. I dont argue and sort of feel shit about it, but i thought i was in the right in at least someway, learning about the documentation. But i go in and she was right that i was missing out. And i began to understand how they assesed the level of burn and the rationale for several things. Then with my perceptor i tried to change the patients cathether from another hospitals one to one of our own. This was a disaster. In trying to attach the larger nosel of our one to his i sort of flicked the tube and i got Urine on my face. It just missed my eye by mere centimetre's and i had to wash my face out. In concern for what had happened i was then advised to contact my cpc, then nursing student allocations the Occulpational health. I was due to leave at 3, but i had to wait arround and have my blood taken and didnt get out till 345 or so.

Brief drop into the society:

Unsure about what i was going to do that evening all day i had finally decided i was going to go to PG's party thing at her house. This was instead of the virgin sacrifice that was going to be someones victory in the newbie debating competition. I witnessed some great banter from between the likes of Percy, Kaffee, Joker and Letch with Nordie2 sitting there reading the paper. Cailin also was there getting ready for that night, uncharectaristically dolled up more so than normal. Percy searched for his suit and then ordered pizza for the last workshop and the somewhat hillarious banter continued. I then left close to 5 to meet up with PG, Budsey and Amish.

Back to Times triangle:
I know i had lectures earlier in the year and was in there and back and forth to the society a lot but something about going back when my old year was there was slightly odd. Seeing the many face's whos names i didnt quiet know was slightly odd. Then seeing my old friends was great and we hung on there for a few minutes before the express bus through the drainpipe to the 2nd city. Also nice to see familiar face's like the hotness that is smurfette about in TADC(all 3 building features of my faculty building together.). But on we went and hopped on the bus and down the river, past the shed/Arena and into the drain. Witin minutes out again and on the E1 up to the 2nd city.

Night of Meh:
So on with the partay! Well, that was the intention. Spend some time catching up and talking with Budsey and then we all tried to watch Damien1. A bit of diner but cola and cola-aloco-coconut kind of made me iffy and with my full plate i felt a bit off. Night wore on and Budsey and Amish left and more of PG's friends arrived including Cleo and Avril and more of hers friends from her old school. Several of her friends were there and i could attmept to name them but when i only met them for the first time last night, and may have forgotten 1 or 2 i dont think ill bother. But the night did seem rather not what i expected. And i actually did not know Cleo was going to be there. I started to text her during it all and then we went off and talked. I felt no animosity or anything but she told me in yet another way that we're just friends etc etc. I was fine with it, then anyway. Night went on a bit more but i went to bed around 0030. But not before in my psychotic way telling cleo:
Quote:
"Even if i say i dont care what happnes between us. I have to say i have a nagging curiosity to find out what it would be like to be with you. And it wont go away"

Oy Veh. Why do i do such things, i hate my thumbs sometimes for letting me produce such shit.

3 Dreams, no clue:

My nights sleep was rather patchy. I kept waking up. And somehow i had several dreams and annoyingly not easy ones or male fantasy ones, or at least not ones im proud of or understand.
Im slightly apprehensive about sharing the details of them, but frankly i dont really care, theres slightly worse to come.

Dream 1:No name: This one seemed simple enough. I was on wards in apparently the same scrubsuit or uniform i had worn the day before and i was worried about it. I was afraid of the CNM and had little to do. I spent most of the so called day doing very little and being very worried about it. At one point there was a little kid i was supposed to look after and i was going to read him a Little Engine that could type story but got side tracked by something i cant remember and this upset me. I felt i was being awful at my job and was really worried about it. Thats me in general with General nursing. I cant get interested in it. Its a chore to me now, i dont want to do 2 1/2 more years at something im only content with just because i have to. Im a dreamer and to me working should be doing something i dont bitch about, naive i know but i want to be a writter etc and create stuff, but i cant do that without a stable job like nursing under my belt first...

Dream 2: 3 reds in a row: This one was sort of a direct run-off of the other one. Basically i was distracted in my duties by a girl i was interested in and this was eating at me at several levels. What i didnt get was that this girl was faceless, familiarity-less and nameless. I would expect it to be Daisy as that would pretty much be the truth. But for some reason she was a generic object and i cant explain why. Then i missed my opurtunity to ask her out and out of nowhere PG is there. In some odd thing i dont understand i kissed PG to apparently show how could of a catch i am. Then out of nowhere again Fox is there. She pipes up and says that looked good and she wanted to try. Its brief and not special but she seemed happy. Then again out of nowhere Cailin is in the dream. And this is the bit that scares me even more so. I mean i fucking dont like it one bit. We kiss and its somehow special. Then we kiss again and its really passionate and for some unkown reason it felt like it was real. It scared the hell out of my and i dont understand it. I dont have direct feelings for her or fox, and i most defently would NEVER pursue such thoughts. They are both spoken for and both important to my second best friend. I almost felt like my subconcious was betraying my concience. What was also odd was that all 3 of them our redheads of some discription. And i love redheads, but why did all 3 have to be in my dream, my ex and 2 people i barely know who i try to never think about in such ways?


Dream 3: Wake up: This one seemed even more real. I dreamt basically that everyone from the night before was getting ready to leave and i heard all the comotion etc downstairs. As people were leaving Budsey popped in and checked if i was there or not and i then woke up. Almost thinking it was real i thought it was a mild day dream and went down stairs expecting people to be there. There wasnt anyone. I then had to talk to PG's dad briefly and lied about my day. Lying to a holly-person, always odd.

My fake hang-over:
At around 6 am i got up to go into placement. My sleep had been patchy and i had woken several times. This time i did get up and i walked in to wake sarah to unset the alarm etc. I do a wake up routine and get dressed. Have breakfast and then in talking to PG and Cleo decide, ill say im sick and/or hungover. I did drink the night before, what maybe 4 malibu and coke, not exactly much. I dont drink anyway and have never been hungover. But i was really tired and didnt want to go in to placement. I had the good intention of contacting allocations and the ward but i just slept on. I ignored several phone call's throughout the day and then answered the phone to my cpc. I stumbled my words but basically "admitted" that i had been "out" the night before and felt sick and had had the intention to tell the right people but hadnt. I basically told the truth, but i wasnt actually sick in any physical sense, but mentally may be another question.

Endgame with Cleo:

OY VEH INDEED. This is what i really really really regret. I got the bus back into town with Cleo and we get off near the train station. Saying good bye to her and briefly walking with one of sarah's friends i turn back and go into the station. I get onto the southbound platform and wait for her. I then talk to her and purseude her to sit with me in the next station to talk. I talk about my dreams and being muddled about today and she listens. With a great line about selling a third i to lend out her 2nd ear, i have no idea where she go that, but anyother day id be smitten with it. She talked about her stuff too and then she then asked if i want to continue talking at hers. Aprehensive i in turn said yes. So down to the coast beside the man-made beach i go up to hers. WHAT A PLACE. Student digs in their most poetic form. This place must have been a bnb at somestage. Its just full of charecter. And with her flat mates and some neighbours being art students it was wholly befitting. The second im in her sitting room i think homely and pure poety and idilic and all this sort of stuff. Its run down, smell's of potted plants, feels like i country cottage and its an old townhouse in a coastal suburb. It was just grotto-tastic. I was in awe of how amazing it was, so much charecter for a place to live, you couldnt help but be inspired or in awe. Questionable bathroom though.. Cacky brown plumming with a random door into another appartment that wouldnt close.

Now for the converstations and so on. They were grand. Things were fine for a good while but the longer i was there the more i felt my inapropriate thoughts were coming to mind. I know i dont really want her or anything but that lust kept knocking on the door of my mind. We're not exactly as compatable as some parts of my mind may like but still the thoughts kept flashing manically. Eventually i couldnt take it anymore. And despite temptation to copy the naked man from How i Met Your Mother. I told Cleo "i have to go now, if i dont ill do or say something i regret or say it afterwards in a text". I was litterally afraid id attempt to assault her or make a move on her and i had to get out of there pronto. Simple goodbye's with no hug and affirming that i probably wouldnt see her till january. Which will be very helpful. I really hate my mind and on some levels i know nothing can happen between me and her but other levels are desperate, carring, insane and horny and they wanted to physically test the waters of being in relationship with her. But in reality i had dipped my tounge into the bath water like an elbow checking the temperature and i had stubbed it learning there was little to know chance of anything.

I go for girls with problems a lot. Lorr, PG, VerryBerry and Cleo, and a few more. And some level possibly Daisy, but she's so cute and full of unwritten potential that i dont want to ruin that. It so far looks amazing and i hope these shit 2 days shortly before the Land down under dont affect more within my life. I have no idea of what the fall out will be of everything. But so far im in trouble, im insane, ive affirmed i have no chances and i really really feeling shit today.

The next post will be the previous post.