Now oddly, my play by play of the day's event's will be in reverse compared to the title. Because that's how they happened throught the day.
So the Hot CNS. CNS being Clinical Nurse Specialist.
Today i was with the pain team as part of my placement. Basically i tailed a CNS around the place being educated on Epidural's and Patient controlled analgesia(pca's). It was interesting, it's such a core part of nursing to look after pain and surgical recovery is all about pain control and management. And with the workhouse being such a large centre of general surgery it has a hell of a lot more pumps for pain relief. Epidural's in regional hospital's frequently never leave ICU, in the Workhouse they're common place on more than half a dozen wards. This may mean more work in theory, but Epidural's are never really in for more than a week, and pca's dont require anywhere near as much care as a epidural. But they can't be overlooked of course, that's why there's a lot of cock up's when it comes to them. Not checking perscriptions properly, becoming complaicent or acustomed to them and thinking it's always the same experiance or similar perscriptions. Wow, i really did listen. But do you want to know why, i've already said it. Oh yeah, the CNS was hot! She was very hot, older woman hot. Mid thirties, about 5.4, slim build, red hair, hazel eyes, and really friendly and informative. I couldnt NOT pay attention. What can i say, sex sell's. If all education were either Tv or slighly sexual i would be Eistein by now!
It was a good day. I started at around 820, sure i felt like a pillock waiting around, but some redbull cola was nice. Then most of my time with the CNS was spent talking and learning, and some with patients, and despite my quiet attitude, that's me, i have few pro-active things to say. I knew all of this at about 45% clarity. Knowing the basic's to me mean's i accept shit and don't strive to improve my knoledge of it pro-actively. By having examples and a good teacher and the physical document's and machinery being discussed at hand it was far easier to learn. It was all there to understand as we did everything. Now all i have to do is reinforce and practice all that information even if as a lowly 2nd year, still, i cant touch that shit with a barge poll. But i know about it, and can actively think about it. Finally some confidence in what im actually supposed to be doing. It's about fucking time, most of the time i hate it, or coast through, this was the way it was meant to be, informative, educational, interesting and with adult thought's tagged on for happy images and idiations. All in all, i'd let her check my morphine pump anyday;-)
Main lesson's:
-Think of things logically and have logical reason's to do them.
-Never accept thing's at face value, validate them youself.
-Use even basic observation to assess a patient, just like sizing up potential partners or attitude of friends or foe.
-If in Doubt, check again.
-If an answer is unclear, rephrase the question.
-Women are still very hot in their 30's.
Cola Wars.
What is the best cola out there? I really really want to do a taste test. By far i love Redbull Cola the most. I used to be the main reason why The Orchard supplied Jolt Cola, but i havent had it in age's. Would i still like it as much. I keep buying Coke the odd time and it's a caramell yuck incomparison too the fruity perfection of Redbull. Pepsi Max 750 is sweet and refreshing and no where near as sickly as Coke, but it's still not redbull. Jolt cola is a kick and a half. It's amazingly refreshing when cold and you can nearly feel the caffine as you drink it. It's utter shite, but damn is it a pleasurable cola to drink, even if it's flavour isnt anything special. There is also others out there, the different Coke's and Pepsi's, Pepsi Raw being utter sludge, but there is also Cadet, St Berrnard(dunnes stores own), tesco's own, and of course Spar's own which is like 83 cent a bottle.
So which is better? I must find out! I love, love, love, love Redbull cola. It leave's a fruity after taste and longing that make's you want more. As a fluid it may not be thirst quenching, but it's sweetness make's you want more. Coke, is increasingly unpleasent to me, pepsi 750ml a nice change and Jolt the Mother of Caffine boost refreshment in cola form. A demand a Taste test of myself, blind if neccissary!
Credit Dance:
After an amazing morning with the CNS i ended up having an extended lunch. She basically let me go from her quiet day at 1230 when i was due to finish at 1pm. After a lunch i was due to head back to the ward and finish the day. Well with an extended lunch i could have done anything. I went to the locker room's, stretched my sore feet. And sat in Silence. I wasnt sure what i could do. Go to computers and catch up on my shows? Go to the cantine and hope to see a fellow second year i might know. Read HST. Walk to trinity and back, either via red line or via james' street-Thomas street-dame street-college green. Or what i did.
What i did was. After nearly 20 minutes in a low mood silence and indicission was head into town. I was on "lunch", i had 2 and a half hour's of excuse to play with. So i went into town with a semi-clear mission. To head to henry street and sort out credit for my phone and educate myself on what mobile to sugest as a supplimentary for my birthday present. I found out that i could actually top up my phone, or at least via store bought credit not online, must try that again next month. And i also cemented my love of the idea of having the Inq Social-Networking phone from 3G. Free Facebook, best of both and it's many perks, skype and free texts till july. The shopper neuron's in my head, smaller in males, screamed MUST HAVE, MUST HAVE. It's a gadget, it's like shoe's for women, its irrisistable! Did that, good time left and headed back. Changed and went back on the wards.
But on my way home, i grabbed yet another Spoon. Yes i did something pro-active for my social-life. Well of sorts. I did something nice. I gave an invatation to hope to cook her dinner and catch-up and so on and so forth. Not much of an alterier motive other than doing something id thought of doing months ago and catching up with a friend. Sure i have pinches of salt for possibilities and idea's but that's my subconcious. Conciously i just want to be happy and talk to someone in a nice setting, what's so wrong with that...... Many things probably, but why overanalyse. It's a nice thing to do, it's a nice way to do it. And i have no set aims or expectations, just an action or good deed with a friend.
PG and the war against my own Thoughts:
Now, i have something else to say. But i really don't know if i should say it or not. You see i still have thought's about PG. Not relationship thought's. But regret, envy and anger. She deal's with her life just fine. She's moved on. But ive been in a rut of my own making for over a year. Im envious of the fact that she can be seemingly happy and i cant be. It's a terrible stupid selfish disposition to have. I hate having it. But it's how i feel. I have this feeling that my constant grief should be shared out in an more equal manner. Obsurd i know. It's a heavily incorrect notion that i shouldnt be suffering alone. Other people, mainly PG who have what i see as problems should also be down, should show the same weakness as me of being overcome and pacified by down moods, depreesed feelings and general mental illness. HEAVILY SELFISH. And so male.
It's bitter, it's wrong, it's just really really stupid. But i can't help it. That relationship was a joke. We were not meant to be at all, barely 60% compatable but it was rushed, and it was agony, and it was a fucked up miserable ending. And i doubt i have gotten over it fully at all. Because i have been unable to be succesfull with anyone else since that relationship and im very bitter about that. Shot down straight after it by Hattrick, then the verryberry situation, then Hope, then Cleo and then Daisy. The only positive one was Hope because it was far more real and i held back my neurotic nature. But still, i have had no success whatsoever and i am bitter to fuck. So much so i hate it. I hate my own viewpoint. How does that even work, i know it's wrong but i still hold it? It's still something i think. It's a negative thought i can't shut off. Why do i have it. Why can't i move on from something that was such a mistake? And why do i have to such a whiny bastard about it?
Hattrick was straight away. Merely a week or so after PG. Before i broke it off with PG i admitted to her i had a thing for Hattrick. Hell i had a thing for her first, i was flirting with her before i "settled" for PG. And it was still there at the end with PG, i was thinking of what would happen if i cheated or even i could. I was fretting over something that was only a dream. And i addmitted that to PG. And then i was shot down by a dream, realising she is not someone i could be with. Uncompatable but the mere Idea of her was so attractive that i was blind to actually getting to know her or liking her as person and not an Idea.
Verryberry, she may be my latest and nearly greatest internet friend, but she's tied too the real world too. She was spoken for even when i was still flirting strongly. And when she ended that relationship she was in limbo and was hurt a few time's. By that time i was over her but i still thought of the possibility. And i still do, but it doesnt interest me. I think were just good friends. We like so many of the same things that it just seem's like it would ruin our friendship or change who we are with each other if anything else were to happen. Like going gay with a best friend, it's just not right somehow.
Cleo. Uggghhhh, Cleo. One of those things i will always always regret. A partial friend of mine via association with Pg and our course. I barely knew her at all. And i always thought there was something interesting and mysterious about her. And i was right. She's one of my wetdream idea's. But like all dream's, they arent as true in real life. No, because despite a few charecteristics there is also the person and how we interact, and they do not gel or connect the same way. I went off on a neurotic obsessed tangent that i couldnt control or trust and i thought i had feelings for something completly false. There was nothing there. And She never, NEVER thought there could be. I should stay away from confused, fucked up people, but i seem to seek them out. Cleo has a lot of cloudy issues. Sexuality being one of them. She is definetly a sexual equal, maybe even surpassing me in some area's. But she has shyness and other issue's that make her unsure and uncertain about many things. She's still lost in finding herself in that world. I don't know what exactly she is, but it would not surprise me that she could be a lesbian. But other issue's that i "can't and haven't" mentioned before also stop that idea. Basically she's an enigma. A confused situation that my manic-depressive mind should stay well away from. She brings out the worst in my illness without even trying. The agony of her presance was just awful before christmas. I am glad i have barely talked to her since then. It has alowed me to get over those insane idiation's that mean nothing. She's like a catalyst for insanity and i need to stay well clear of her even if we are "friends". I never thought we were, i only saw her as a mystery i wanted to understand and possibly date. That won't be, or at least i hope it won't, it sounds very dangerous.
Daisy. Do i even have an informed or logical opinion of her? No i don't think so. She's a younger girl i really got along with. A lot of similar taste's, great report and good brief friendship. Something about her eye's nearly made my heart stop. But i knew nothing about her and i got a maybe and a rejection and havent talked to her in full since. She's best forgotten or given breathing space because i have no idea what to think or do. The reason for rejection was a need to study and lack of time. No hint of acknoledging anything between us. All of my thoughts were null and void because circumstance ment NO. I've talked about it endlessly for weeks and im still no closer to an answer or excuse for her. Best forgotten, but impossible to forget.
2 post's in 2 day's. Wow, self-reflective role. Mighty typing hand's i have! Nah not really. Placement's getting to me. On many level's. The excercise is flooding my mind with hormone's forcing manic idiation and analyse's of my feelings and i can't help but express them. That and i need to express them. No one listen's to even my trivial fact's at home. I've been in my room for most of my time since i returned home. I said nothing of consequence when in Aus, and i still say nothing. I can't even discuss the most binial thing's at diner. Soaps and other issue's interupt my attempt's to be sociable with my own family. In the car this evening i said dozen's of things commenting on the radio and my mother didnt even respond. I was met with hostility when i commented on the TV the other night too. My own distance must be making my parent's angry. But if attempt to open up i'm met with obsticle's and hostility. I can't help it. I was an imature young adult when i chose this course, and i was severly wrong. I've squandered and wasted 3 years of college and ruined my self-esteem and mental status because of a massive carreer mistake. Im a thinker, im imaginative and i need to express that. What im doing is destroying me and everything i touch because i have avoided this problem for so long that i didnt even know it existed.
Wow.... Eh, though conclusion there. I didnt know i had that one in me. But it's true. Damn, i really need to talk to the Parental's. But somehow it's not quiet right yet. Maybe after that meeting next tuesday. And all that help i have comming my way thanks to my CPC dragging the truth out of me last week.
Maybe more bloggage this weekend. But certainly more next week. Stay tuned, same manic-depression, same blog feed. Untill then, Toodle's.
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