It wasn't till the latter half of the week that i actually got to do things. I could bitch and moan about hospital stuff, like understaffed nature and all that hooha but why should i? It's boring it's not a story and frankly i don't want to rant about it because it's pointless.
No it's the stuff even less pointless than the state of health care for cancer patients that i would like to talk about. That is of course, Love life vs lack there of, strained supposed friendships, study, watchmen and my inaction.
Love life, or my sevre lack there of:
Of course this all stem's from a multitude of reason's. Lack of self confidence, depression, self loathing, shyness, poor social life, anti-social behavoir, rejection and of course the opposite sex being bitches sometimes. In all seriousness i can see most of my problems, but being aware of them doesn't mean you change. No have all of them mean's you pay attention to the negative's and not the plus's and each time you fail you believe you will fail again. And boy is hard to try and succeed at the whole love life thing. With so much rejection and failure and embarrissing obsession and mistake's since my failed first relationship this whole other partner thing is absoloute hell. It's by far one of the hardest things anyone can do in their life. I may have not experianced the full scope of the wonderful rewards but for fuck sake does the road to it have to be so difficult?
They say the Road to Hell is paved with good intentions. And the same can be said for the road to a relationship with members of the opposite sex. Now i know this rant is in no way helping my situation but it is a mindset i am stuck in for the moment. For a few week's now i've had no one specific on my mind and made no tentative steps towards pursuing anything. I've been busy, i've been lazy and inactive inbetween and i've been depressed. I also have with a minor social life and a fear of alcohol had less oportunities in life to express myself as other young person's do. I don't go about things the same way and i'm far behind in experiance and confidence. All these factor's and negative thought's make it harder to soldier on and see the worth of hurting myself in the pursuit of a significant other.
But i'm a young male and it is after all all i can think about. I see potential here and there. Girl's i'd like to know better. Girl's i'd like to share thing's with or breach the xxx certificate with but so far since my last outing there's been a lot of failure and missed chances and 1 horrible one sided mess. Recently i have caught my mind thinking of good friends and people ive tried to forget all in an effort for my imagination in that department to stay alive. And other than regular indulgance's i think my mind was screaming for new love interests to think about. Why else would it think of people i don't approve of think about?
1 week of placement left. And paddy's day to come so all's not so bad. There's at least 1 girl from my year i've had brief convo's with who seem's like an interesting new development. There's always Jade or Mystique slightly out of the box choice's, then there's of course possible society people, a blank page for Hope, a dying candle for Daisy and bizare thought's of aquantance's i usually wouldn't think of including one's i believe are otherwise orientated(if not really wierd).
Strained supposed friendships:
I think even with the wonderous decission of going to the society this year i still need more friends. My olde friend's are still possible to contact but i've seen next to nothing of them since i left my old year. Now of course i still have that dark rain cloud of PG hanging over me night and day ebbing and flowing inbetween hatred and acceptance. For more than a year since i've broken up with her i still have EXACTLY the same amount of contact with her that i had when we were dating, just of course less physical world contact. Most of our time together was forged in the evil world of IM and frankly she never left that part of our "relationship", she's still there, every day, even if we say nothing as usual, she's still there. I've resented it and accepted it many time's but it's still as unhealthy as our relationship was and sometimes even as a friend i'd just wish she'd just fuck off or act more like a friend.
For instance of late my unintentional bitterness slip's through my control filters and i come off as my grumpy self. But in trying to meet up my old gang of friends or just her on Thursday i was met with endless cryptic answer's and pointless questions. All i wanted to do was spend a brief chat with MY old friends. But some how it was all deligated through her stone walled answers to my unintended grumpyness and i ended up seeing no one. I forged my group of friends by following a girl i fancied and roping an male friend of mine in aswell. MY group may have been the shy quiet non-face's of the year but we sat consistently in the same place and spoke about very little. Then i dragged in PG and it was different again. The male friend was gone and my other interest in the group Budsey became my best friend. But it was all just a front. I knew feck all about half the group and had miss-giving's about others. It basically became just PG, Budsey and myself. And after i was gone i was left with one of the other memebers of the group also being with me repeating. A friend who i can't seem to understand and who's insesent talking seem's to suggest many thing's including a hint of opposite orientation.
All i wanted to do was see my old friends. Not to be but im trying to organise something for paddy's day. Budsey's not up to anything. Could ask what's left of the rest and Avril who i mentioned it to. Cleo is another possibility but i'm afraid of her on several level's, mainly because of my own actions. Pg was full of indicission and cryptic non-replies that led nowhere that just increased my frustration with the whole idea of even trying to be a friend to my friends. I was TRYING and it was just impossible for some reason to get passed HER because it was all through her. Some how i didnt go through MY own friends to even see them. It had to be through the ex-gf that i brought into my group of friends and then left there with them. Sure i wasn't close to them but they were my friends. I joined it because of sweetcheeks, then fancied budsey, stayed in it and brought PG in and now im left with just 1 member who can be annoying but is still a good friend who i still can't figure out. She talks a lot REALLY fast, she has a confidence issue's, she mentions her flatmate and sister a lot like im expected to diferentiate between the name's or know them and on top of that i can't figure out if she's gay or not. She never mention's anything gossip like about such things. It's just borring insecure hyper-fast ramble's that just boggle the mind.
In other friendships i have all the new society people but i still have my olde Mainstay's of Gammaman and DS. DS has been away in scotland for the past 3 years and ive barely seen him each time he's back but he is quiet possibly my best friend. I miss him the most of anyone and if i go into movies or tv or writing i'd drag him along for support as he's always shared my interest's and been there for me. In another more indirect way Gammaman has always been there for me. Origionally back in secondary school i distanced myself from him for a while as he got a bit annoying. I didn't vote for him based on the logic of some false-gossip and yet he's always been there for me at different points. He's a charismatic force that's always been helpful and the school play and the society being parts of my life have been thanks to him. But lately i do get the sense that i attempt to lean on him too much or whatever, and in a schmaltzy kind of way i realise i haven't ever thanked him enough for what he's done. But what also confuse's me is i never got an acknoledgement from him in material form of my birthday. Ok so very very very few of my friends and what i have left of friends acknoledged or even knew about it but to not got a larger nod from him was slightly odd. I was at his 21st and gave him an odd present and so on, and yet selfishly i notice i got nothing in return. DS missed out on giving me mine because of weather grounding his plane but why next to nothing from the rest of my friendships is difficult to think about.
I guess my own mental illness and poor action's over the years pushed people away. But sadly it is in some way's my own fault. But it still sucks big time that i got nod's from partial friends from secondary school and newish friends form the society but nothing from the girls i spent 2 years with in college.
Note to self, more pro-activity in friendships, and make more friends.
The Study monster:
I had a bit of a natter with a counsler who specified in it and i kind of gained some confidence about the situation. But then afterward's i did feck all. I slumped into my saftey net's and didnt do a thing. But i am informed as to what i can do and it doesn't seem as scary. I have the skill's now to work at it i just have to make those baby steps more adult steps and slap myself into action. Psychology poster, portfolio, essay and exam's all need to be worked on and it is well within my grasp and scope of ability to do them. Im just so fucking me that i did act after that act. I felt so proud of that meeting and emailing my tutor that i just rewarded myslef and didnt do much else. With placement the next day i did nothing. That evening i tried to spend some friendly banter time with Gammaman but something was off about it, he thought i intended to break secrecy about certain society things to inform myself, when all i wanted was to be share time with a friend. And today well i just did my usual, catch up on a dying izzie, a dying galactica and a reset button smallville. Not much study in sight with the exception of attmepting to format and fix my attempts at a screenplay for a Tv pilot. It went well-ish till i got bored and took babysitting a fire way to seriously.
Watchmen:
I loved it. It worked as best it could as a movie and i love the new ending. It's brilliant and i can not wait for the full super-edition which will stick in the Bernie's and all the other chopped stuff for the sanity of audiance's. As a reader of the comic i didnt even notice the lenght as a problem, i expected everything that came up, sure there were something that were pointless like a dream sequence taking too long or extending the prison sequence for action purpose's but it was all good. And the ending was supurb. I finally got some of the bit's just before the changed ending and it worked well. Slightly sad for a certain charecter but still brilliant. Considering 9/11 the ending did have to be bigger and it worked that way and i am happy to say i do not miss the squid.
As for my last point it was evident throughout. My conclusion from my ranting is that all of my "problem's" require me to act and to work at them. If i want my friends to be better friends, i have to be a better friend and be around more, do more things and talk to them more often. If i want a relationship i have to be socially active through my friends and in general in order to discover someone who will finally say yes. And the study i have to act at anyway, it's a given, i can see how i can be interested in my course i just have to work at it, i cant sit around saying wo is me about everything. Through doing i will grow all of these problems and they wont be so bad.
"You can either impose yourself on reality and then write about it, or you can compose yourself on reality by writing" Hunter S. Thompson.
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