Same old tune, just not in tune...

Well i have been meaning to write this blog for a few days. It is after all a really really self serving moan bag of a blog. Basically i want to discuss the year (academic) so far and what i've done.


I apologise in advance for negativity, rambling and self-effacing depressive sentence’s and so on. I'm worried about exams, i'm not exactly prepared and doing this seems like a good idea to do because i don't have many people to talk to while i sit here at a computer waiting for my afternoon exam,






In a spring like attempt to lift the mood of this post i will try and keep the description of the year as brief as possible, REMEMBER I SAID "TRY".



So back in 08 during the lack of summer i tried to study for supplemental’s. This was a massive failure on my part. I did little to know work. I avoided the problem. I was terrified, i was obviously not right in the head. Some days i would sit at college computers ALL Day long, without bathroom breaks, and then in pain rush to the bathroom before sulking home and saying very little. My failing was completely my own doing. So was the summer exams that had led to this. I wasn't happy then either and it just continued and continued.

Roll on failure and despite trying to voice how miserable i was my parents put them at financial risk and made me repeat the year. I couldn't do anything else. I couldn't switch course without passing, i have no work experience or want to work low wage unskilled jobs. I also have an unrealistic dream of being a writer or doing something creative. So back in i went. General nursing second year all over again. Lost and upset and now finding myself with a hell of a lot more free time and no friends in my course other than Chatterbox i turned to my old friend Gammaman. Despite an even more gruelling course than mine he had made a life on campus in the society and i put aside my old prejudice at the idea of "campus elitism" (i don't know what that was all about) and signed up. After the Colours debate i was hooked, debating was my new thing. I then in my spare time spent far too long reading newspapers and sitting on those glorious couches’ then wrapping my head around the course work i had done last year and cementing it in my head. I took part in 5 first rounds of the Maiden's competition. This was mostly because of my ever presence there and encouragement from Gentle Ben and curiosity in trying to hone my fledgling skills.

The trip to the republic. That was when the first blog started. I had my thing for Hope and all that. It failed miserably. I did a lot of lonely walking around Cork. The oddest part being liberating a 3 litre bottle of coke for supposed mixed drinks afterwards if necessary. But upon arrival at the hostel the whole Hope thing failed and I-T and her studied for a debate the next day. Jilted, or angry or just plain depressed i walked back to the pub. This didn’t last to long at it was there that i discovered i was the 5th WORST person in the competition. Possibly something to do with my partner being unable to speak english, but still REALLY bad.



Now the first part of the year flew by pretty quick. And i didnt really make any friends amongst the new year, mainly because i had all of 1 tutorial day. There was brief friendship’s during placement and that went well at the time. Daisy being an example of that, and Jade to an extent.

Somewhere during placement i had a slight bit of rekindling friendship with people from my previous year. PG of course being an ever present force in my life. Despite breaking up with her more than a year ago she still talks to me the exact same amount as when we were dating but unable to meet in person. That can suck sometimes. Now in my infinite wisdom i quickly became enamoured with Cleo. She was an enigma that i was very quickly interested in unravelling. And by unravelling i mean both understanding and sleeping with. She was obviously a bit on the oddball side. The quick and honest revelation of Bi-sexuality and partaking or having interest in a swingers party was shocking to say the least. But my LUST moved far to fast. She never saw me the same way and i just got really insane about her. To the extent that i skipped a day of placement after a party in PG's and went to Cleo talking about odd dreams i had and my feelings for her. I sat in her dingy and student grotto flat and slowly went insane. I couldnt stop my thoughts. She wasn't interested in me. She was distant. And yet my mind became disturbed and i had to run. If i didnt i might have assaulted her. I was terrified of my own head and had to leave that mess as fast as possible. And i did.


Then Australia. My sister’s wedding. This was all about the family and my sister. It was a good time had. It was nice to actually experience some summer for once. But i also became very introverted while there. I was after all bored senseless. I spent afternoon after afternoon watching comedy repeats and so on. I followed all the tourist stuff. We popped up to Sydney. There i was possibly even worse. On one occasion in the sweltering heat and bare skin of aussie female's my mind wondered back to similar thoughts as to when sitting in Cleo's flat. Every female that passed me i had flash's in my mind of different acts and so on. It was terrifying. As soon as i could i separated myself from my parents and hoped on the monorail. iPod and McD milkshake weren't enough. So adult magazine, curtens closed. And i guess that helped. I then took to the swimming pool in the building we were in several times. Back for the wedding and so on i still wasn't right. I wrote one or 2 blogs, but i was still alone, still barely saying a word every day. Even at the wedding i didn't dance. I sat at my table for most of the time. Reluctantly at that but i felt paralysed with negative thoughts and so on and i just felt awful.

It didn't improve when i got home. Back into study. Well i tried. I missed my first day back and did a mini-IV in the society. Joker's IV was great fun. But without a partner i dummied just as a helping hand. I wasn't exactly in the right state of mind to talk for 10 minutes on my own 5 times but some how i did it. I contributed fuck all to most arguments and especially the last one i just felt useless. It was anything but fun but the finale was amazing and i loved it, i did have fun, of sorts. Due to a mix up over my timetable i missed some lectures that day. The next day reading the Guardian i spoke with Chatterbox and realised i had class's to get to. Then the whole Daisy thing. I had grabbed a spoon as i put it before Christmas. Hoping that this girl that seemed like a perfect match, a possible sure thing, would actually be interested in seeing me. It was not to be, she had to study. So did eye but when i spent the best part of 2 months including her in the odd fantasy in my head it pretty much hurt.

My second placement was far more lonely. I spilled to my CPC that i wasn't really happy, with my course or in general. I went through several avenue's to get help and so on. I was also sick a lot. This was to do with my water bottle, stress, the wet winter and mental health. I still have a weak to pay back thanks to that. The second placement within that placement was better, i was getting back on form. I had gone through several counselling sessions and other discussions and felt i could get on top of study and get through the year....

This of course didn't happen. My study routine didn't materialise as i had planed. I became very involved in the society. First was the Youngling debate. I had seen the request by Lenn for the younglings to get Gammaman something. Gammaman is one of my oldest friends, he has inadvertently helped me through rough times several times. The school play in transition year, the choir in 5th year/chicago trip(nothing to do with him but similar spirit) and now the Society. So i took charge of that little quest. The discussion had fizzled out so i rallied the troops so to speak and tried to get shit done. It wasn't exactly working but eventually on the day of the debate Boop and Nordie 2 helped out. I was suffering from yet another cold. I was running on caffeine and drugs. I chronicled this in a previous post but i ran around like a mad thing for most of that day. I was sick and i still did it, like being a nurse i did all these things even with or without thanks. I also fluffed my "privileged" motion to give Gammaman his gift. I did that for him to show my thanks and the younglings thanks. This was in spite of the fact i was giving more to the society than i was getting back. Thanking Gammaman more than i needed to since i didnt even get a 21st birthday present from him, but i did it anyway.

I coasted along through lectures and mediocre study for the following weeks. I also continued to spend far too long in the society. The football match and then the elections and the initial steps for the Star Trek outing. I took some photo's for the match and had a good time. Although i wasn't that sociable and that pissed me off, i couldnt think of much to say, at all. I also couldn't make it to Boops house party because of circumstance being the real bitch. DS being stuck in town and Gammaman never being able to accommodate anyone at short notice. Then the election trail. I forged my friendship with Dona and that was good. Even came up with the Trek thing, although eventually that turned out to just be me.

Then the election. What had i put myself in for. It was harrowing. And i didn't even vote for myself. I had done so much for the Society and loved what i was doing. I knew, if i made it to next year, and if i was elected, i would be very Busy. Percy pulled this out of me and did seed doubts in my mind. It also highlighted how much i was there in the society but not exactly as well know as other people. I have many an acquaintance but not so many friends. I didn't vote for myself. Hence i lost. It hurt, it really hurt. But i still stuck around. I still popped over at lunch and still read newspapers. I also organised the cinema trip, despite the turn out i eventually got i was still happy i had gotten that to even happen.


Study. Wow. Eh. Yikes. Yeah, i need to study now. Exams haven't been too peachy so far. I answered a question on Diabetic Ketoacidosis without mentioning Insulin. I technically killed a patient with a fluffed and misguided line about a glucose iv. Yep i don't know how i did that but i did. I feel like an idiot and a failure. I have GIT and Liver stuff today. I have to cram that now. I hope. I should.

Study plan for the summer i think :-(