So here i am. My exams and assignment are done. Where do i go from here? Well i have 3 weeks of relative freedom, so to speak.
I have 3 weeks where i have to await the conclusion of my minimal and disappointing effort to save my academic career and get a degree and a profession under my belt as a reliable source of income. Here's hoping i did well enough?
In truth my studying was appalling. I attempted to get Gammaman to be my guiding work-buddy in that he would force to study but that petered out. In truth my lock out lasted all of 3 days and i was back on the internet and procrastinating. I spent at least 3 weeks reading and searching away at anything but academic work and i fucked up big time. I even emulated my failings last year by spending entire days sitting at college computers without even moving to go to the bathroom. It was embarrassing, it was awful, it was terrifying, it was pathetic, and it was down right my fault.
I most definitely have an internet addiction, or failing that a set of embedded and learned behaviors and habits that are self destructive.
I'm not a psychiatrist but i at least know that as well as Freudian child hood things, i also have behavioral and habitual (right word?) problems. I have a habit of avoiding what i should be doing. It's really seriously bad. I avoid anything really. I avoid responsibility. I procrastinate, doddle, doodle, stare into space and dream of greater things and put the most minimal of efforts in.
What's the most annoying is that i recognize my failings and problems and do very little to change them.
But i have a strength or two. The best one being self restraint and acknowledgment to avoid consuming alcohol as i fear i that my depressive and possibly addictive personality could lead to problems i would not be able to fix. I don't like the taste of alcohol as it is, but i hate loosing that control over what i do. I hate loosing my "hibitions" and inhibitions. I hate how alcohol makes me feel. It in low amounts can make me feel a bit giddy and open. But once i'm over about 3 beers or so, i'm not that knowledgeable of the exact level, i reach a point were i feel REALLY low internally. It terrifies me and reminds me of periods where i have been depressed and at all costs i want to avoid that ever happening. At all cost's i want to avoid alcohol making me feel that way. And so i almost never drink. I fear what it could do to me. I won't go into the full story but i have been gravely effected by alcoholism in my family and i don't want to ever let it happen again.
As well i don't like it's effects on anyone, happy drunk, sloshed, langered, shit-faced, or puking in a toilet. I know way do i appreciate the consumption of a poison that cause's people to act so brazenly or to exceed a tolerable happy limit.
People my age drink to become paraplegic. Now i have not seen it that often but that's the general consensus. They do not drink just to be sociable, they drink to damage themselves and have stories they wouldn't dare create without the influence of a intoxication and possibly other drug use.
All of this terrifies me. I struggle as it is in the normal world to trundle along and handle the shit pile of problems i've created by avoiding things. To just let rip and have no control at all scars me completely and i just couldn't do that to myself. I really couldn't.
It has taken a lot of will to overcome my own failings and the trouble life has thrown at me. I still haven't been successful, i'm nowhere near achieving my dreams but i would like to some how. In some way this requires a lot of Cojone's/balls/assertiveness/forth-wit/effort and over all WORK.
How i got here:
Formative years...
Where did it all start?
If i was to nit pick it breifly from a Psycological point of view.... I had an Au-Pair when i was a kid and spent all my time till i was 4 playing at home and being free. This freedom was then forced into School and i never really fully accepted it. I never made to many strong friends and was happier playing in my own head and at home then else where. Reading and school took away from this. I remember hating being forced to learn how to read. Now of course it is now an essential tool that i couldn't live without, but i sometimes think that time is my reason why i have always attempted to avoid the responsibility of work, education and being responsible.
Dreaming always seemed far more appealing.
Around the age of 10 i started having my biggest idea's. For some reason i said, "I want to be a Director". And from then on i kept creating idea's for stories, for movies, tv shows and other media where i could express my imagination.
But in secondary school this was kind of push to the side, i had to work. And i sort of forgot about it. I still slipped it in in English essays but i never perfected it. Avoiding study, homework and responsibility was a massive effort. So was home life.
I was bullied on off for the first 3 years of secondary school. All varrious levels and all from what in turn were slightly inferior people. People that themselves would latter be derided. But i was slim pickens for a while. But i eventually settled in.
I had Gammaman for a while, although his cleanliness on the 2nd year trip was off putting, he cleaned our entire room in the time it took for me to go to the bathroom, scary since i'm so messy! Well there were other reasons but i didn't have a strong friendship with anyone really. Not really putting in a lot of effort to it. After all this was the height of puberty and problems at home.
By 4th year i did have a far stronger peer, group, hell i had 2 or 3. A rocker group, a bit of a slacker group with DS and then the School play which was a massive moral and social boost to me.
But it was Transition year. And it was the ABSOLUTE height of problems at home and within myself. I skipped some 32 days of school. I avoided a lot. I Stayed at home and pretended to be sick. I was both miserable and experiencing an almost phantom constant pain in my stomach. This could have been due to damage from taking 6 vitamin tablets (recommended dose of 1) a day to prevent acne that wouldn't go away, but generally i felt really really low.
It was also the time that i had at least 3 disastrous internet relationships instead of real life ones. Including Lore. This obviously didn't help.
I then discovered music in the new year after all the mitching and slowly came around, with the play still to come and it's related socialising building. I also became a good friend of DS's and we frequently went to the cinema. Including ditching transition year charity work to go see Master and Commander: the Far Side of the World that Christmas.
Music became a big thing for me and MEST were my favorite band at the time due to their more "EMO" and punk leanings. They seemed to speak to me in my teenage angsty way. I had long hair, frequently unkempt and greasy, and generally i didn't get up to much apart from school, the play and movies.
LEGENDARY!!!!!!!:
The Post Play party was of legendary consequence. It was a great night, and the first time i ever drank more than 1 can or small sips. It was also the first time for another guy and i ended up nursing him at the end and talking about the weirdest things including faith for some reason.
The play had had 4 great performances and it was all over. People were getting shit faced left right and center. Anyone who was anyone in our the two years represented in the play were at the party and also the assorted girls and some of their friends from the Allied Girl's School.
I got drunk. And even socially smoked to some success. One of the guys from the "slacker" group had already arrived at the party rather drunk and by mid-party was being guarded by several people from puking like mad. At one rather disturbing moment, he actually attempted to drink his own vomit from a dish held in front of him to catch it.
I thought all was great and had kept a count of how much i had had, somewhere like 4 and a half beer cans, i think....
The night wore on and a large amount of us crashed on the floor. Needless to say i had gotten NO-Where near any of the girls i fancied and it wasn't likely i ever would have.
I ended up looking after several drunks that night and as i got more sober that seemed to be all i had ever done, look after drunks. It wasn't pretty at all, i saw less and less appeal in it.
Sure earlier i had though several people were great and that smoking was so much easier when drunk, but it just seemed to get ugly and hard to understand.
Sure some of the guys were giggling and falling about when said drunk guy was found passed out, pants down, comatose on the toilet. A photo was taken and people were in hysterics.
This same guy had at least 12 cans, had proposed to a girl that they spin a globe and stop it at any point randomly and go there, he also talked to me about god while i sobered and the Host's dad moped the floor of alcohol and adolescent sick.
As i headed home to suburbia i had breakfast, still tipsy, in McDonald's. Everyone still had a bit of a still pissed glow. I was with some Stoner types and slightly "hard" characters, despite their upper class status, and a rather bizarre Russian Immigrant student. It was yet another affirmation, that although all fun and hilarious under the influence, skulking home still tipsy just didn't seem right.
I laughed and smiled to my dad as i entered my home. I said i had had a good time, and still felt a still a little drunk, or tipsy, and scaled the stairs at 9 am and went to bed again.
5th Year, a year of music:
So i moved house after yet another bad summer of doing nothing. My sister had already been away from home for a year at this stage. We moved house.
My already weak social life took a massive blow by this, we had moved from Dublin, all the way to Clogher Head, County Louth.
I took up the guitar and joined the choir.
The choir was great. Although i wasn't exactly in it for the friends i spent most of my time with while in it. I slightly resented them, i thought they were holding me back, but it never really changed. I had to share a room with them in Chicago.
In Chicago, the choir trip, things reach yet another impasse. Girls were fully back into the fray as we all got to socialise A LOT more with the school we were allied with.
During a federal plastic food lunch in an American school we were visiting i had arrived late and started filling a table of my own beside the full choir one.
A girl sat with me who i had not seen around much in the choir much before and we got talking. We hit it off and things went well. After the choir performance there was another period of waiting around before we were to leave. Some people went with their American escourts to more classes and so on. However the African American i was with and the person that girl were with had a free period. The suggestion of a local Joint for Milkshakes came up, so we thinking we had plenty of time said yes. This was more about socialising with the Yanks, who thought it was odd that ALL of us Irish had Blue eyes. Every single one of them, not matter what their skin colour or mix there of had brown eyes. Interbreeding at it's strongest obviously, brown was dominant to our dainty little blue, and pale skin.
The Milkshake joint was ages away, a good 20 minute walk, and we went there indirectly for some reason. Inside it was very 50's retro, and the walls were stuffed with Ice Hockey players from some locale team. Simply the milkshakes were as amazing as promised.
We then rushed back to the school and me and the Girl realised we had been very late and were actually holding up the bus....
It also instantly dawned on me that the connection i was forming with this girl was also forming a bit of gossip that i had a thing for her, i was starting to have one alright.
Arriving back at our hostel we noticed a crowd in front of the Opera house and the girl i was with noticed it was a film shoot. We had seen trucks around our Hostel that morning, i had theorised it was ER doing street scenes. The girl however noticed that it was Keanue Reeves and Sandra Bullock.
I later found out that it was a shoot for that time traveling letter box movie they made.
Despite my interest and subsequent efforts nothing happened with this girl. I was a bit of a coward i guess. And i never acted on our connection. The two of us had clicked, i was sure of that, and informed such by my friends, whose experience with girls i now think was questionable, but i missed my shot and it never happened.
6th year:
It was all knuckle down and do my homework. Flat out for the leaving.
I even had to give up guitar, although i never got very good at it.
Socialising was mainly just film.
I recall i never voted for Gammaman to be head boy, i felt he wasn't up to the job. I was THE ONLY person who didn't vote for him. I was certain he would win, but i wanted to give someone else the chance. Considering that other person was his deputy, and eventually not the best, it was almost a wasted a vote, but i rarely tell him that. The positive and friendly intention of trying to spare him of the percieved burden will always be what i remember the most.
On a rather interesting new years eve i developed yet another awful crush, and frankly a insane one i like to forget.
That year i also had stepped up my lyric writing to get my thoughts and feelings across. I had amassed at least 150 by the turn of the new year.
I then discovered Fall Out Boy, and there positive, but brutally-honest lyrics have stuck with me ever since. What on the surface sound like melodic happy songs, but are laced with witty phrases and depressive leanings, it was gold to my ears.
At Some point in 5th year's "Careers" class i had set my mind on Nursing. I still have no idea why. I felt it was something i could achieve. I had already ruled out architecture due to my poor maths skills, and despite my English Teacher being a great friend and mentor to me i had Ruled out Film, English or Journalism due to the Perceived Writing effort that i would have to put in. This was a mistake, i loved the idea of it. My active imagination would have been re-opened beyond shitty little poems and feelings, but i had left it all to fester. I though Nursing was an easy option, i had been looking after people as it was, i was a nice kind person, it seemed right, and medical things did interest me. Another factor was that my Good friend Gammaman was aiming to be a doctor. Considering where i saw myself Academically and intellectually i though my run of the ladder was meant to be Nurse, if he was a Doctor.
So i left my choice at that. And despite confused by how i had reached this choice, i let it go that way. And the Careers person sent me that way, and sent me to talks and so on. I was the only guy. And none of it ever really set in. I just accepted it and saw, OKAY this will be me.
I in no way listened to my real dreams. My imagination, my multiple stories, the things that really brought me joy. Film, Tv, music, Transport, Architecture, Urban spaces and the vastness of the imagination and romantic idea's.
No i was accepting a role i thought was a "good enough for me" thing.
BIG MISTAKE!
COLLEGE:
So my leaving cert came. I wasn't beating myself silly to study. I was doing what was asked of me and being perfectly average and no more. Never really improving on what i was doing, despite now seeing what i could have done better. I knew i needed 360 points for my top choice of TCD for nursing. I had seen it's art deco building on Trinity open day and i was in awe of its beauty and the idea of studying there, anything, even if it wasn't nursing.
Aiming for 415 or slightly less points i felt i needed to be better safe than sorry with my result.
I got 390 and was probably the most content person there on the day. I was not over excited nor was i upset. I was content, it was perfectly average, it was more than enough to be accepted. I was going to college, and doing something i thought i could do.
So i started out. Made my new peer group, with one other guy and a slight Harem including SweetCheeks (nickname based on what i might have called her half asleep after a night out...), Budsey and Chatterbox. The guy was a good friend for much of First year and we had a strong Bromance going.
My debs came and went. I had wanted to ask SweetCheeks to go with me, but i ended up with a blind date at the last minute who was already spoken for, but knew some people there. A long story for that night, but over all another downer of other people being drunk etc.
In my Tutorial group in nursing i quickly developed a crush on one girl and it started to get a bit troublesome. After a night out i stayed at hers and witnessed two strangers go at it on the floor in sleeping bags while i also tried to sleep in the room. My crush on the girl had gotten pretty heavy, even though she was spoken for. I like all of that peer group, but i decided to avoid her, and thus being friendly with those girls fell apart because i was only there because the girl i liked had been friendly to me.
My first placement went well and i had a bit of a crush on a mature student who eventually left. Avril was also there but it wasn't till later on when i had to do a project with her and PG that we became friends.
PG:
After that bit of a failing with the spoken for girl earlier in the year i had still sat with a few other crush's. Sweetcheeks and Budsey really. But when i acted on my one for Budsey nothing happened, i was not aware at the time of what she was going through, but i now understand. So i still just went along with day to day college and then placement and i never really worked hard or anything. I just sort of coasted along....
PG initially frightened me. She was a bit strange, cookey, i thought, at first. Turns out she had a bit of a thing for me far in advance of me ever noticing.
We became friends over BEBO, MSN and the project we had to do.
Summer exams were close but i got by just barely. My male friend left the year and all i had left was PG and my Harem with Budsey etc
That Summer i was flirting wildly with Hattrick over bebo and thought she was really interesting and cookey.
But i also had my strong friendship with PG.
We had been to several movies during our study time and she even brought me a present from Spain.
Near the end of the summer i just though, fuck it, and asked her out.
Things moved pretty fast. She kissed me first.
We planned to hold off on certain thing but our lust overcame us really. We didn't allow much time to get to know each other that well.
Thus we dove in pretty quick and i hadn't enjoyed a lot of the early sex. A combination of the desensitisation of Condoms and the fact she had A LOT more fun than me while i couldn't finish.
It was frustrating. I had expected i'd be nervous and sensitive and be a premature kind of guy. Instead i was good at what i was learning to do but couldn't satisfy myself in a timely manner, that didn't exhaust PG from multiple orgasms. It was annoying to say the least.
I though in the history of men i must have been one of very few who was this successful at pleasing his GF but finding it really hard to please them self.
PG and i were never meant for each other. We were from different backgrounds, didnt some interests and ideologies, and most of all i was open about my feelings, she wasn't.
We went through a rough patch at xmas and then it wasn't plain sailing even up until Valentines day. The sex had improved but there was A LOT of animosity between us. I was miserable.
I admitted that i was fantasising about Hattrick and feared it was possible i would attempt to cheat and so on.
She accepted this but even admitting that i still didn't feel any better.
Our relationship was rotten as it was.
So in a miserable state, through a massive text conversation, while she was at work, we discussed how i was unhappy and the relationship wasn't really working.
It was over. 6 months, 11 fucks, at least 50 orgasms to 9 and nothing but misery on my part.
Around Paddy's day i tried to act on my feelings for Hattrick but she didn't get the message. She wasn't interested in dating, the first put down.
I was miserable for the rest of the year and subsequently failed my exams.
And in turn the Supplemental's when i sat in depression just staring at a computer and not doing anything.
Veryberry was a great new friend but i couldn't date her either.
Then this past year. All covered in these blogs. Hope, Cleo, Australia, Daisy, Society, cutie, Election, examblor, summer and Supplementals.
My study wasn't that good. I feel i might have let people down. And even myself.
Of all the things i've done this was my 4th chance to redeem myself. TO get a degree and have a staple in my life that i don't really want, and have no idea why i ever really chose it.
So what do i do next?
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