Sunday, July 19, 2009

All the little things

Not really a witty or smart tittle but i really couldn't be arsed, it is after all 10 am.


It's Life Jim... but we could always hit it with an inverse tachyon beam...


Damn the past week just seemed to fly by.

After all the week before i was actually doing hard labour. Well as hard as nursing can be, well even then it was quiet enough. Even for "quiet" days you'd still be knackered. Despite most people being more than capable of cleaning themselves you still have to pace up and down like mad fetching basin's and sponge's for them. Or stand over the slightly infirmed in case they need a hand.

Then there's the tediousness of tasks. Nothing but fucking tasks. I will be more than glad to take on more responsibility. Hell i know i'm not exactly a good nurse, but i'd be better if i was let to more so i could learn something more than doing this and that like a lap dog. The care of 1 or two patients would be nice, the less needy the better for the moment. I wouldn't exactly want to take on someone going down for surgery or just back or anything... that's more of a team effort...

No give me the cheery interesting folk that i have to berate to look after themselves and re-enforce that they have to get out of here so that more sick people or bigger wastes of space can take their "bed". I can manage those just fine. That and it's more entertaining.

Although interesting or risky patients are good fun. The old forcing of Oral Hygiene and close watching of more than a dozen extra vital signs and blood results. I have to say that's good to. Mainly with cancer patients as you have to watch so much.

Although even on experienced cancer wards you have to ask WTF? Even of experienced, or supposed to be, doctors.

Like an instance of a consultation over a patients high blood sugar. Not only was he NOT EATING, he was also Type one Diabetic with a large metastases on his pancreas. No matter what the fuck we did, even with an Endocrine consultation or Diabetic nurse specialist referral he would still have fucked up blood sugar. He was deeply sick. But yet a doctor goes ahead and ask's openly "what do we do". You're an expert in one field of a complex biological machine, YOU figure it out. Oh and he DOES, by the way, HAVE A SMALL CANCER ON HIS PANCREAS, so any diabetic control isn't exactly helpful.



Yeah, we nurse's get resentful sometimes. If anything it was a valid question. But the issue slowly resolved itself, or i hoped so as he left after that round of chemo.


As for what i have been doing for the past week. I actually don't know. Very little i assume.

I seriously need to start studying. I have it in my head that i need a schedule and all this hullabaloo.

What i also need is ALL my notes. A work ethic/routine. And probably some NEW stationary.

Every time i try and make a new study effort i get new stationary. Even if there's plenty of paper left in my last notebook, at this stage most are tattered beyond neat use.

So i have that in my head. I DONT HAVE PENS. I DONT HAVE MY NOTES. I DONT HAVE PAPER, INTACT PAPER! I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO FIRST. WHICH SHOULD I PRIORITISE? ARRRRRRRGGGGHHHHH.



It's a horrible world to know that every OTHER thought you have is wrong.

I "KNOW" a lot of things. I know EXACTLY what my problems are. But solving them or stopping them isn't exactly easy. I've tried many a time but i'm more than reluctant to. After all feckless selfish self gratification through avoiding my problems and being a sponging layabout is so much easier than ANY effort what-so-ever.

Now i no way will i ever try and justify my position. I know i must be fucking awful. But my actions speak louder than my thoughts on the matter.

And my main action is sitting on my arse.


There's a nagging want inside of me to actually do things. To be active. To make things. To do things. To socialise, something i am always inept at. To do everything I would want to do. Not what i always do.

I find i write blogs to quell the thirst to write. 5 years ago i quelled my nagging mind by writing lyrics. When i needed it most and was clouded by my first relationship and failed second year, i also didn't write. This year i wrote. I not only wrote here but i started 2 stories. One of which has progressed as far as 4 chapters. As always i still talk to myself. But not JUST simple comments. I play out story idea's to myself like i'm having conversations in the universe's i create. I even use hand gesture's and sound effects to indicate swooping spaceships and explosions. It helps.


The Drive to write is sometimes such an overpowering itch that it becomes unbearable. You have to do something. You have to burry you mind in music. In movies and television. In reading other people's blogs, or the odd time proper books. It's in the mundane calm of pointless Internet searching that i seemed to escape the positive drives within me.


Muse's:

For instance. On Thursday i went CRAZY trying to create my idea of a website.


This was nearly hurting me. I for no reason what-so-ever was growing angry and frustrated that i couldn't event a name for it that fitted my non-fixed idea and also wasn't taken.


I went through dozens of scribbled idea's. I searched google relentlessly. I then in frustration attempted to create it without a proper name. After much anger at names being taken i finally found one that let me through to the creation process.

It was here i got even more mad. It wasn't what i wanted. It just wasn't easy enough. It was so bloody basic that i couldn't fix every mistake, or just move the order of pages. It didn't have enough gadgets to add to it that would facilitate what i wanted. In essence i quickly HATED Google Site's.

I then tried others. But there isnt many. I was trying to do this for free. I had no one else working with me.

My Internet connection also kept failing on me. I SHOULD have been studying. None of my friends were available or interested or as driven as i felt.

I gave up on it. I sighed and just stopped. I was getting no where. I was being Irrational as it was. But why did i spend so much time on something that only angered me so much. It just wasn't working for me. And i didn't even have a set plan. I just wanted to get it done. To test it. To let it grow once i had it created. But i think i was being an idiot.




Writing:


As i mentioned before i have a story i've been working on for a good while. I started it after a dream way back when i was studying for LAST years supplemental exams.

It evolved from there into 4 chapters over 9 months. I know what i want to do with the book.

I even have a plan for 5 books. Which i seem to have now lost.

I'd love to be writing it but parts of it were frustrating me. I was writing dialogue i didn't think made sense or was to shit compared to the rest. I twisted it to make it look like a lie but then it made less sense again.

I then used the yWriter software i found to start over. I inserted parts of the 1st chapter into it and started cutting it like made. The paragraphs were so patched up from multiple edits that they seemed so unfriendly and stuffed with pointlessness.

What has annoyed me so much about it is that i have created a MASSIVE universe and somehow i seem to sell it all to soon and i don't seem to let much story happen. Less is more, but only when describing everything else. The story needs a bit of a lift. And why exactly i chose an Omnipotent Narrator is beyond me.

It means i have to jump into every characters head each time they do something. No matter what's going on i have to explain every thing. I already over explained the universe. Why do i have to give so much to the characters as well.

Basically it's a mess at the moment. But i fear having to go into yWritter again and chop the hell out of it. It seems like so much work. I'd rather keep going. But even where i am in the 4th chapter is annoying me and making me avoid doing it.


Grrr. Just grr.



Another rather fleeting idea in my head is that of the eventual adventure i have planned with DS.

Years ago, hell back in 4th year we provisionally planned a road trip across the States.


Now back then the date for it was 2010 or so.

Realistically 2011.

But now i'm repeating and he has an idea of a 1 year masters.

So that realistically makes it 2012. Because no matter what my misgivings about any form of work i have to work as a nurse once i graduate, that is if there is any work.

After all you can't do such a momentous journey without funding. A LOT OF FUNDING.


We're talking probably in excess of 4 grand per person. Even to do it cheaply you would need safety resource's. You would also need a couple of hundred for a brief stint in Vegas, a must for any road trip.


Now the route has NEVER been fully set. After all there are so many way's to go.

I90 from Boston to Seattle has been ruled out. Mainly because after Chicago/Milwaukee, there's FUCK ALL.

So the main route is to skim the Mason Dixon line and to dip in and out of the south as you go.

Depending on funds either start in New York, Charlotte North Carolina or somewhere in Florida.

Memphis, New Orleans, Baton Rouge, Phoenix, Las Vegas, Sacramento, Los Angeles, Sand Diego and maybe a day trip south of the border....

All relative musts along the way. This is of course if you leave out New England. But how could you really. After all NEW YORK is NEW YORK. And New England is TINY in comparison to the rest of the country. I think it is emphasised on the map, even with a tighter population it is nowhere near as large as the mid-west or any of that vast expanse that took 100 years to map.

After all Who DOESNT want to "LICK THE LIBERTY BELL". Or see the world's largest Ball of Twine. There are a lot of Road movie things that you have to emulate when crossing such a iconic and well advertised continent.


We also would need a sound track. On top of funding any good road trip needs a sound track.
This could indeed take 3 years to decide...


Also i know people in several states.


After all I have Rose my old Internet Friend in North Carolina. I can't remember if she's in Raleigh or Charlotte but she's in one of it's cities. And there is Myrtle beach to check out there.

Then in Florida, Hope may be there at that time. So that's a detour that could be worth making in the future.


There's also several bands i might want to chase. At least 3 in North Carolina. 1 in Missouri. And maybe a few festival's or parts of the INFAMOUS warped tour along the way.


Then of course I-T bound to either be at College in Illinois or back home in Texas. Austin i think.



Damn it really is a big place. And frankly i doubt it would be easy. And we may end up having to take other people with us JUST to afford it. And to add to the adventure.

It has crossed my mind of writing a blog and documenting it. Either just through a blog, Twitter, and photographs. But video also crossed my mind.


It also crossed my mind to write a book about it. Or a screenplay. 2 idea's:


Book:

A book using all the documented part's and just writing about the journey and the tourist-y stuff and so on. Giving my opinion and so on.


Screenplay:

Writing a screenplay based on the road trip. But it being about friends driving with a mission of bringing a Screenplay to LA, the Long way. And documenting their journey as they go in blog form. And as things happen to them the Internet lends a hand and so on. Ye know that whole "one tweet can make a difference" myth... Corny, probably. Maybe scrap that bit.

But road movies are a genre unto themselves. And if you think about it clichéd. Why does it have to be America anyway?

Why not all of Ireland Circulated. E1, across to cork, up the N17 or whatever and then through the North and back down the E1. Or do the UK REALLY SLOWLY.

Or even cooler, Cork To MOSCOW! Pity about the bits after Poland...


Hey maybe i could start a career doing Road trips... or just leave it with the states...


Sometimes i hate my idea's. I have so many. I have at least 20 or 30 years worth of Work in my head based on story idea's alone. How exactly would i fit road trips into it all to? After all i can't even study for these exams and yet i dream about a tomorrow i can't even give myself...


How's this for an idea, Inter-railing 2010. Trans-America 2012. Cork to Moscow 2014?



It sucks being such a hypocrite.







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